For getting rid of my chinese name

People change their names for many complicated reasons.

My Chinese sister in law is known to everyone here by an anglicised version of her name because few can say it correctly.

My mother when she came to England used her family pet name for decades. Everyone knew her by that name. She was shrugging off her past too.

@TheLoyalWriter

how lovely they will be bi lingual.

however, irrespective of all the other things, you are/would be doing your children a real disservice not speaking to then in Cantonese 'because the sounds needed to speak it are best learned as an infant, it's virtually imposing to form the sounds as an adult. Speaking Cantonese is a huge bonus in life and likely to be so even more in the future. Denying them this I think is very short sighted.

How you live your life is up to you, ultimately, but I think it’s sad for your children that they won’t have any connection to their Chinese heritage via a name and a language.

I have mixed race children and I wouldn’t make these choices, no matter how bad my relationship was with my parents. It’s setting them up for identity issues later on.

I disliked my father and changed my surname by deed poll to my mother's maiden name. My original surname was Cornish and nobody ever pronounced it correctly and I always had to spell it, so win-win.
If I'd had negative feelings for my mother as well I would have used the maiden name of one of my grandmothers.

One of our half-Brit, half Chinese nieces looks rather more Chinese than her sister, or her brother, for that matter.

What you call yourself is your choice , but you are making the choice for your children, to try to eliminate all their Chinese heritage . As they grow up, they might have their own feelings about what you have taken away from them.

There is nothing to stop you speaking Mandarin or Cantonese to your children when you are alone with them. That is what most bilingual couples do . Their English will be fluent anyway as their dad speak English and they will go to nursery / school here.

If you do this, you will give your children a great advantage in their education and career . you can always send them to Chinese Saturday school to improve their redwing and writing.

You are also giving them the means to explore their own cultural heritage, via their language. That’s opening up choices for them.

You can also give them a Chinese middle name , even if you chose it yourself and don’t ask your relatives to choose it.

I fear that you are taking away your children’s heritage to spite your own family, which isn’t right. You can’t alter your children’s biology or their history.

If they bullied you, wasn't it because they are them, not because they are Chinese?

It could be both couldn't it?

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain said

Family friends of ours, Japanese woman married a British (partly Cypriot) man with a traditional British surname. Their 4 sons are called a mixture of Japanese and Cypriot/Greek and look a bit like Anthony Quinn.

Despite being famous for playing Zorba the Greek, Anthony Quinn was half Mexican and half Irish so I think that's an excellent example of how genetics can present in surprising ways.

My aunt (by marriage) changed her name to a British name.

I felt a little sad when she did it, partly that she felt she needed to, partly because her original name was lovely and to me was part of who she was.

But then I realised it is her life and this was clearly something she wanted to do and I just felt glad she had the freedom to do it.

Live your life the way that you want to

It can’t have been easy moving to an entirely different culture as a teenager and a time you were forming your own identity. It sounds like your parents were strict and that it created obstacles trying to fit in. It would be a huge change and incrediby difficult.

You’re not wrong for wanting to do what feels right for you on this journey navigating your identity and two cultures.

I don’t think you should have to feel obligated to embrace your heritage.

I am half Italian and although my Mother was born in Australia she speaks Italian and her parents came here in their 20’s 30’s.

In saying all of this, my Italian heritage is something I can either use or not use. I don’t have an Italian name, I have an Aussie accent and so forth.

There was racism here even in my Mother’s generation. I don’t know if there is racism now because I don’t obviously seem Italian.

I will also say that the Italians my age that move here don’t consider me or people like me as ‘real Italians’ and when my Mother goes to Italy, despite speaking the language she isn’t considered a ‘real Italian’ as the dialect has changed etc etc.

I guess my point is that you aren’t crazy for wanting to just embrace a new culture snd blend in with your daughters. People will tell you it’s important to hold onto heritage and culture and character building - usually people that have a positive experience or perceptions and don’t have your set of experiences or feelings.

I don’t think you should feel bad. Life is short, it’s your life and you’ve made sacrifices to settle and thrive in a new culture, and even have a family here maybe you just want to feel 100% part of it & it’s symbolic for you.

A name is important too there’s research hirers judge foreign names on resumes. Nobody would force you to wear a burka and show the world you’re Muslim if you wanted to dress in Boden instead & blend so why judge you for wanting an English name.

Do what you wish, but get some therapy to deal with your feelings towards your parents and then decide. If they bullied you, wasn't it because they are them, not because they are Chinese?

My dh’s grandfather is from a different Asian country and my fil anglicised their surname and gave dh and his siblings very classic English names - they also had a very British upbringing. I do find it a bit sad that they so thoroughly rejected their heritage, it was done to protect them from racism though and has mostly worked, so obviously I understand. You must do what feels right to you.

This sounds so hard.

I don’t have any personal experience but I would say you should do whatever makes you happy.

I do think your Chinese heritage belongs to you and not just to your parents though. It’s something that is part of you, and doesn’t have to be tied up in your feelings for them.

Anyway I'm not trying to badger the OP. I think I've said enough on the thread now so I'll leave and hide the thread. Goodluck with everything, OP.

I don't think changing a name you find traumatising is a problem. It's acting like every name in your heritage isn't good enough unless you change to a western name. Would every Thai/Chinese name cause issues too? That's where the excuse lies. Again I bring the example of a white person deciding to change names but instead of to another white name, they go for a different race/ethnicity.

It reminds me of women who claim they hate their birth surname cos it sounds ugly, etc and took their husband's last name, as justification of changing their birth name. Meanwhile their brother's wife or husband's sister would be saying the same things about the same names they hate and love. It's all excuses. Doing it isn't the problem, it's just best to own it as what it is.

I think it's OK to reject your parents but I don't think it's a good idea to reject your culture. My daughter in law is Chinese and was born here and has never even been to China but she does celebrate being Chinese. I think it's important for the children but I can see how abusive parents might put you off. I hope you can find a middle way one day.

Genetics isn't quite that simple, features aren't dished out on a 50/50 basis from parent to child. One or more of your children could look if not 100%, then certainly, very like you.

I had some friends with one Chinese heritage parent and the other very stereotypically 'Celt'. One child looked very like his Dad, ie, Chinese heritage.

The other did not. When he went to University he got a knock on the door from representatives of the University's Chinese Society (presumably based upon his suname). They were surprised when a boy with blazing red hair and green eyes answered. He did join, of course.

That notwithstanding, you should do exactly what sits best with you. But if your children are keen to explore their Chinese heritage I'm sure you'll support them.

Yes, I would. Lots of people change their name - some by marriage, some by deed poll - because they feel it doesn't reflect who they are or who they want to be. In life, there is very little that is intrinsically 'yours', but your name is absolutely yours and you should be happy with it and feel that it represents you and how you see yourself.

Slightly different perspective here. I'm Anglo Chinese but adopted by British parents so grew up in the UK.

My birth father was from Hong Kong and a drug addict who got my late birth mum addicted to heroin, hence my premature birth and subsequent adoption.

I had the surname Pang before I was adopted so I'd have had a Chinese surname if I'd never been given up. But as I associate that name with my birth father (whom I've never met), I'd probably have wanted to change it too.

I understand how you feel, OP. It's a very personal thing.

I think do what makes you happy. My mum is from Thailand and dad English. I was born here and have a western name. My husband is British and our children have common western names. However I still feel very much connected to my Thai culture and our children are learning about it too, we visit regularly and they are young but have learned a few words. A name is just a name, if you feel more comfortable change it. Your life your choice. It doesn't mean you have to necessarily cut off your Chinese heritage all together.

I think you should give your children a tiny piece of their Chinese heritage. It's not up to you to decide which part of their DNA they should identify with.

I am saying this as a non British person. I am no contact with part of my family and there is no way that I would introduce DC to this branch of my family. (It's complicated)
However, it's part of their heritage and DC have every right to pursue this once they are adults. I have given them middle names from my gand & great grandparents. They do carry the important family names if they ever want to pursue this.

If it’s to fit in I don’t think you should have to and dh works with a lot of people who embrace their names. You did say it was as much because of how you feel it was used in your youth so in that way if you think it’ll help go for it x I know someone who’s changed their name because of assumptions made and he’s happy with opportunities he thinks it’s given him (sadly it probably has), but I can definitely get regret and sadness from him when he speaks of it