For getting rid of my chinese name

If you speak Cantonese, are your parents from Hong Kong rather than mainland China? Because obviously the cultures are very different (although possibly converging more as time goes on). If so, I think there are many things that you could be very proud of from your home culture - and I say that as a westerner raising my child in HK, by choice, since I don’t think the UK has anything to offer the young anymore.

It sounds like any thought of “Chinese culture” will remind you of the pain your parents caused, but they are separate things. Their abuse is not a “Chinese tradition” (though I do admit, Chinese parents can be much harder on their kids than westerners, I would imagine because with hundreds of thousands more in the population, everyone has to try harder to get a decent living, so it comes from a place of love, though it seems the opposite and gets taken way too far).

What I can see from living in a culture that is so vastly different from the UK is that the values are still absolutely admirable - for the average person, family is paramount, people are polite and genuinely want to help each other, old people are respected, crime is extremely low, there is no aggression or anger in the way there is in the UK, there is a sense of community - literally, where I live, you could forget your wallet on a table outside (in one of the many community spaces) and it would still be there in the morning, no one would take it.

Clearly there are political issues and massive imbalances of power - but how different is that really from the UK, with the crappy government and the royal family? I saw someone was arrested during the coronation for holding up a blank piece of paper. Not so different then.

I don’t think it is at all unreasonable to give your children fully British names, it will no doubt make their lives much simpler in the UK. But I would hope that you still teach them that they are part of the whole wealth of Chinese history and fable, it is in their blood and they should be proud! Mooncakes, shadow puppets, dragon dances, boat races, mid-Autumn festival, new year, lycee, rich Chinese and Cantonese cuisine, language, art, architecture, textiles, a population that survived a brutal invasion by Japanese forces (again, if HK) - if you can separate your heritage and what you belong to, from your parents’ abuse, you could maybe reclaim it with your children, and be proud of who you are without it causing so much pain?

Don't worry OP, you have no duty to speak your mother tongue to your DC especially since it seems to be associated with bad memories. People with happy childhoods can not understand this. Go ahead and teach your children to be kind, open-minded and curious, that beats a language every day.

I’m mixed race. Half white, half something else. My mother did exactly this and I feel completely cut off from half of my identity. I wish I could speak the language, have some cultural knowledge, know some people from my heritage - but I don’t.

I find it genuinely so sad.

You can cut off your family, but why cut off everything Chinese? Even if you don’t want part of it, you should let your future children know about Chinese culture, maybe they could do some language lessons outside the home. Find the things you love about it and celebrate those.

They may look Chinese and may always feel like they don’t belong in their own skin, like I sometimes do.

I think it's fine for you to change your name and give your children whatever names you feel reflect you and your family.
My DSIL is from mainland China, she has a dialect language as her primary language, then Mandarin, then later Japanese followed by English. My DB speaks English as primary language, followed by Japanese, Spanish, Cantonese, Mandarin then French. My DN therefore has been exposed to many languages in his upbringing and been to school in China, England and France. His two primary languages are Mandarin and English, but can get by in his mother's dialect. Not bad at French and German(from school).
He has a fully english name, looks mixed race and considers himself British through and through, but luckily able to converse widely with people when he travels. Currently he's mainly interested in Japanese and Japan, though never taught this language directly as mum and dad used it as "their" language!😁

You know as well as I do, OP, that the easiest way to learn any language, especially Cantonese, is to learn from birth. It will be very hard for your children to learn if they wait until they are old enough to ask, which will almost certainly be as teenagers or adults.

You are denying them a precious gift which could be a huge advantage to them in life, as well as a way of accessing their own cultural heritage.

You don’t get to determine how they think of themselves and their identity. In fact it’s ( ironically ) a much more Chinese than a European idea - that you can control and shape your children completely.

I suggest that you consider going for counselling, you are making choices that will negatively impact your children to punish your parents. Children should not be used as a weapon.

OP you'll be fine name wise. I'm BBC and officially have a western name and surname (husband's). I felt a bit sad about losing my maiden name and had considered all kinds of double barrels, or me keeping it and just decided not to. Likewise, kids have totally western names. One looks like me, the other like my husband. No-one blinks an eyelid.

If you find linking yourself to Chinese culture painful then give yourself the space needed. I can imagine how your parents may have treated you and the links to Chinese culture. I just cherry pick the bits I like (food, new year etc). If my kids showed great interest in Chinese culture I'd happily encourage and embrace it, but quite frankly, they don't!

OP has already said that Chinese middle names were out of the question.

Up to op what she calls herself and her children and there's no obligation to choose a name that matches your ethnicity.

My uncle chose French names for my BBC cousins. Neither cousins speak French as far as I know although my uncle and dad used to live in a French speaking country, so could be a nod to that.

On my birth certificate I have an English first name and a Chinese middle name, well that’s how it has to look but my Father was very much you have two names. I gave my DS my family name as a middle name. We didn’t double barrel it and because of what it is it suits as a middle name.

I was raised with a definite mix of Asian and English culture. Whilst Asian parents can be totally overbearing and I believe you the very liberal parenting of the UK can be too gentle. Somewhere in the middle was where I was raised. It’s probably like an old fashioned English upbringing.

The names of potential children will have nothing to do with how they are raised by you with whatever parenting you decide is right for your family. DS is mixed but has quite an Asian look but is very tall like his white Dad.

Y best friend and her husband are Chinese/Hong Kong born but grew up in the UK, they both have western names with Chinese middle names as do their children amd they interchange between both amd in both English and Cantonese, it’s very sweet. Can you do that?

You'll make your own choices and do whatever you think is best for your kids, and that's fine. People learn to live with their parents' decisions. They know it comes from love.

I was going to write a long rant, but the main point is that you can paper over everything except physical reality because mirrors and eyeballs exist. You will always be 100% of something, and your kids will always be 50% of something, and you will never understand how they feel about it. When you're mixed, you never perfectly fit in. And 100 percenters will never understand how we feel—not even our parents. I sympathise hugely with your kids. You can't try to whitewash over the Chinese part of someone's identity and expect them never to have any problems.

OP I know several people who have completely changed their names, sometimes borrowing their new names from other cultures, for various reasons: e.g. they wanted to dissociate from abusive parents; they felt their given names were never 'theirs'; they fell in love with another culture and preferred to name themselves accordingly; or they moved to a country where their given names were unpronounceable or connoted something rude, so they changed them. It's entirely your decision.

As a by-the-way, I visited Hong Kong some years ago and met many Chinese people with very English Christian names, mostly of the type that were popular in Victorian/Edwardian times, e.g. Winston, Gertrude, Cedric, Mabel, etc. They seemed happy with their names! And as long as you are happy with your chosen names, that is all that matters.

Gosh this is a complicated situation. With names, I think you should do whatever feels right and most comfortable for you.

Would you like to or want to separate your heritage from your parents behaviour? Or are they so wrapped up together they can’t be?

My DPs rejected their religion and culture completely after their experience of it ruling and wrecking every aspect of their lives until they left home. We were brought up with no cultural knowledge or the very basics about what our religion was about. As adults we feel sad our culture was kept from us . For some reason none of us feel British or as if we blend in here. We don’t know where we fit in at all. But as I get older I feel more connected to it in many ways even though I zero belief in the religious part.

I think kids deserve to know what their heritage is even if they later show zero interest. It is part of them and what came before them and how they fit into it. I included very simple things from our culture into my kids lives and they do with theirs. Whatever our parents shit experience with it, it’s still part of us. I don’t know if that is something you could or would want to do. Just the very basics - where you are from, what it looked like, looking at pics online, foods, what any traditional clothing is like, kids stories etc. obviously if all this sounds painful or not what you want for your family that’s totally ok and your choice but it does seem sad your parents have the power to taint your relationship and your kids relationship with their whole heritage. I’m so sad you went through that. It sounds awful.

So am I. 🙂

Most people really don't think about it.

Then they get a weirdo like me who after knowing them a few years goes "How come your name is x but your heritage is y?"

But then again I have had people speaking to me in various languages once they have seen my last name.

YANBU. Once a person reaches adulthood, they get to decide what they are called. It's no one else's business.

What does it even matter.

It's not a business of your family, it's your life.
I got rid of my Czech name, purely because I don't want any connections or memories of my emotionally abusive parents and the place called "home".
Lots of people like this.

I can confidently say I don’t have identity issues. I’d say my Mother who speaks the Italian language and has an Italian name and feels neither 100% Australian nor 100% Italian has more confusion than I do.

I don’t really get these comments about your kids resenting the loss of their Chinese heritage. Do I have to walk around in a kilt and eat haggis because my Pop has Scottish heritage ? Like how far do you have to keep it going for ?

These kids haven’t been adopted out from China, they’re living with their biological English Father & Chinese born Mother whose spent her entire adult life and more in the UK.

I’ve never read such ridiculousness.

Do what makes you happy, OP. It's your name and you're the one who lives with it.

Yanbu to want to pick. Your own name, but maybe worth more introspection on the way you feel right now and whether it’s really your parents rather than Chinese culture that you dislike.
wanting to erase your genetic heritage seems a bit self hating ( it’s you and that’s unchangeable) . Tbh, Parts of your narrative offend me too as I’m also of Chinese heritage but trying to stay impartial here…

ps I have a close relative ( bbc ) who grew up here and did the same, because she was brought up in a slightly racist area and made fun of for having Asian heritage .…

My mother buried her past apart from the odd visit. One for my aunts wedding when I was eight. I met so many relatives and was made a big fuss of. I adored my grandparents, who also adored me.

My mother fell out with her sister at some stage, she had also come to England. Luckily mother had a phonebook. I copied down the number. When I married had my own phone I called her. She was thrilled. I had cousins which was wonderful.

Eventually mother found out, she went nuclear. I was defiant, my house, my phone butt out.

Weirdly she started speaking to her sister again.

So @TheLoyalWriter your issues may not be your children's, so be prepared.

I have thought about this seriously.
Not on my behalf but my children's.
As half Chinese young adults now I wish I'd registered them with a double barrelled surname, not just a Chinese surname.

The first reason is that Dh is concerned in the future that there will be a lot of anti-Chinese feeling if/when China attempts to retake over Taiwan.

The second is that Racial discrimination over jobs exists.
I've never experienced it because I'm English but it exists in our very tiny rural market town. Dh experienced it badly in Australia in the 70's.

In my experience Chinese Culture is very powerful. Especially food-wise!
I wouldn't want them to deny that. But at times they've said growing up they feel like they don't quite fit in anywhere.

This is incredibly complex and nuanced. I don’t feel I know enough about your culture to give a balanced answer.
I’m UK born half Chinese with Chinese last name. I do find people have preconceived ideas of my based on my name which is especially noticeable when I’m job searching and meet new people at work. Mostly it’s just genuine interest, it doesnt bother me, however I’m sure sometimes there’s some bias which may be negative.

The only advice I would offer, which is relevant to anyone. Keep your children’s options open. Be honest and clear with them and don’t close off ideas which don’t align with your own. And if you can speak Chinese to them growing up so that they can become fluent, this would be an amazingly invaluable gift that could benefit their future selves. You owe it to them to educate them about their heritage, and through their upbringing trust that they will make informed choices and follow the path best suited for them.

sending you lots of love. It’s tough putting feelings aside and trying to make decisions that are uncomfortable but for the greater good x

The mixed race Chinese person I know has a very English name. I don't think you are being unreasonable in having an English name, and choosing one for your children.

There are many many benefits to your future children if you spoke to them in Cantonese, even if they forget it all as adults, it will still help them. Google the benefits of being raised in a bilingual household. With French not being your mother tongue it'd be harder for them to learn than Cantonese.

Attempting to erase half of your kids’ cultural
identity is wild to me. Particularly when it’s accompanied by things like this My children will be half British so will not look conventionally Asian.

Genetics don’t work like that. What if they do look 100% Chinese? Will that be a problem?

Please also read about the issues in transcultural adoptions, where people grow up without any knowledge of their heritage and report it having a marked negative effect on their sense of self and wellbeing. Most of those people DEEPLY resent it as adults. This would be different, but possibly worse - as, unlike the adoptive parents in these cases, you’d be doing this wilfully.

Abandoning thousands of years of culture, depriving your kids of a language and whitewashing your names isn’t required to ‘fit in’. Modern British society is multicultural. I think you should embrace that and let your kids celebrate their heritage.

I also think you would benefit from counselling, as there’s a lot going on here.

Signed,
Another immigrant