I despair of these MILs

It's standing joke that my child's partner gets a say in what care home I end up in so I'm always nice to them. It's not hard though, they are awesome and I couldn't have picked a better partner for my child

I desperately wish I had a nice one. My ex fiancé’s mother was an angel and we are still in touch, I wish she was my mil, she would have been a very treasured member of the family. Not my DH’s mother, the unhinged fishwife.

This 👆🏼

My mil expected to be the matriarch and control every part of our lives , where we lived, our engagement party, when we announced the pregnancy, where we spent Christmas, wanted to babysit a breast feed baby, but it was some very nasty stuff she said and did and not the stuff I’ve listed here that made me go no contact.

She is a nightmare and bil has lost one girlfriend already because of her and now probably the second long term girlfriend because no one wants to marry someone with a mother like that.

I can only speak for myself, but none of that would bother me. I don’t mind questions (even quite personal ones) or differences of opinion. What I do mind is my MIL being verbally abusive and interfering in our marriage and intruding in our home and on our holidays.

I know what you’re saying though. Some people can be incredibly touchy, especially around anything to do with their children, and that must be hard to navigate.

It is essential on MN that you have a truly loathsome MIL. It’s almost impossible to fit in on here without one.
😉😁😁.

Threads on here have me terrified and second guessing myself all the time. If I ask my DILs about their jobs, am I being nosy, or is that being concerned? I almost daren't say anything just in case it's too much or not enough - one DS is getting married shortly and I am a bit afraid to say anything about the wedding in case it's a touchy subject. I'm hoping that the fact that all three of my DILS (one actual, two to-be) seem to like me and will happily chat to me or hang out with me means that I'm OK as a MIL, but it does worry me!

I have been curious about this too and my conclusion is that women who have a close bond with their own mothers have a strong need to have their own mothers closer to them before during and after child birth, I think it has something to do with vulnerability during a very big life change that is birth.

Everyone is different. There is nothing wrong or wierd about this, its natural due to life changes, hormone imbalance etc etc.

Some bit not all MIL put up some really big objections to this and attempt to crash through the boundaries in ways that are absalutely horrendous, think its something to do with the way babies grow and change so quickly from birth onwards. It could also be a strong need to have a close bond with their grand child and fear of losing that. I am not justifying their negativity, its bloomin awfull what some ladies go through and I know this because of what I read on here.

To give MIL some access to their Grand babies on the mothers terms, communicating, good and positive attitude, acceptance of the situation and meeting each other in the middle could all help families stay together snd most of all be at peace with each other, so little ones want this too.

When we change the way we look at things the things we look at change.

Agreed.

Where is the drama in a "I love my MIL thread"
🤣🤣

For what it's worth, I liked my MIL and I appreciated that she welcomed our adopted child with open arms and treated him no differently to any of her other grandchildren. I will be forever grateful to her for that.

But she irritated me too at times. Different attitudes, different life experiences. But we rubbed along and I was genuinely sad at her passing.

But that's not interesting 😁

Very few people are going to start a thread saying I have a perfectly ok relationship with my MIL, or I really love my MIL. So we probably only get to read about the really shittily behaved ones.

@DinaofCloud9 I think most women want and get "their own little family"?

The difference with over bearing mils is that they don't want them to have their own little family, it's their way or their highway.

You can have your own little family and have a wonderful respectful relationship with the aider family as well.

How do you know DILs usually want to make a good impression and get on with their partners parents?

Some do sure but some aren't interested at all. Some only want their "own little family"

But it’s not MILs. It’s not even women. It’s people. Some are lovely and some are not. And there is everything in between.

There will be lots of new mums on MN that turn into those MILs in 40 years because there will always be a spectrum of arseholes, weirdos, narcissists, bullies, perfectionists, bigots, snobs etc. and that’s without factoring in family dynamics between sons and who they hook up with.

Exactly. What are you on about OP, what a silly generalisation to make. You've read a few bad posts maybe, because people tend to bring questions on problematic relationships here. Glad to hear you will be an oh so cool MIL.

I’m lucky, my MIL lives 25 miles away and my husbands relationship with her isn't brilliant due to a traumatic childhood leading to a messy divorce. The children were asked by the judge who they wanted to live with, all 4 of them chose their dad.

@DinaofCloud9 yes and no.

A
Mil being older and established in the family has more power and sway than the new members of the family eg dil.
Dils usually want to make a good impression and get on with sons parents but the clashes come when mil won't let them do things their way and give them breathing space.

Of course many mils are fabulous! But why post if all is well?

The problem is when you get a "baddun"... They can wreck a marriage, make day to day life utterly miserable and turn dc against you.

I agree op some of these mil and fil are beyond disgusting.

My MIL is difficult likes to be in charge and get what she wants when she wants.
When DS was born she kept asking for alone time and critiqued many parenting choices including my choice to breastfeed.
She now wonders why I chose limited involvement- and she’s never had alone time as insisting on this with a baby is a massive red flag.
Its sad though because my mum has a fantastic relationship with my SIL and her MIL and I would’ve loved that. But her relationship with DH is also tricky so I think it’s more her rather than the MIL/ DIL dynamic.

My MIL interferes in our marriage, invites herself on holiday with us and says horrible things to me when my husband’s back is turned. There are a lot of jealous and unpleasant MILs out there. It’s good that you’re aware of what can go wrong and that you’re going to try and do better. My MIL would never have the awareness or the emotional intelligence to try and do better.

Most of the time it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

MILs aren't perfect but nor are DILs. In fact none of us are.

This is real life, people can post their true thoughts on this anonymous forum. Hate when people say stuff like “that only happens on mumsnet, not in real life” it’s so ignorant

To be honest, I despair of a lot of DILs on here too. Fortunately, RL is very different.

…another MIL thread, just what we needed.

The reason the MILs in the threads sound so awful is, much like any other post, people want to portray a particular narrative. They want to show themselves as the very reasonable & accommodating victim, of the terrible other person. Then everyone pipes up that the other person is horrible and terribly unreasonable, thus confirming the OPs narrative.

I believe about 50% of what is in any post. Quite a lot of it is so open to question .. things like “she is always rude to me” really ? She’s rude, or you felt her behaviour rude?, or she’s just not you with your background, experience and norms?

The advice on here is often so unhelpful in these situations “block” and “grey rock” based on very little, and routed in other peoples “trauma”

In short, a lot of the threads are written to garner a specific response that confirms the OPs views, with scant regard to the truth of the situation.

I think it’s generally true that there are three sides to every story - and on MN, when the DIL is telling the story, we only get that of the DIL. I’m sure there are plenty of MIL-DIL relationships which are tense for all kinds of reasons, but I doubt that it’s solely the fault of the MILs in the majority of cases.

I was always told not to speak ill of the dead, BUT if someone was an arsehole in life they don't suddenly become a saint because they've died.