To think I'll never have sex ever again

I don’t want a Ferrari and I’m not miserable that the chances are low that I’ll ever have one. If it’s bothering you I think you need to be honest and listen to your feelings, that you actually do want sex and a relationship at some point in the not too distant future even if not right now.

You have no idea how you'll feel once your DC has grown up and moved out.. you might have a whole new lease of life. Right now you're bogged down with work and lone parenting. Circumstances change.

Read 'it's not you' by dr Ramani and 'love life' by Matthew hussey
Ask for help with weight loss from gp or join a thread here

BFF was in your frame of mind 11 yo. She met a man at her local pub quiz and 2 months later was having the wildest most fulfilling sex of her life. You never know when you'll meet them, and when you do it's chemistry not hair and make up that makes it work.

@Notanytimesoon thanks for your post - I understand the feeling of being on the outside looking in and the feelings of loneliness this causes. I am also capable of socially isolating myself and at the moment I am mainly working or with my (grown up but at home) dc. I also lack confidence.

In my worst moments - and this includes when I was still married to exh but we were basically estranged, I feel that love is just something that happens to other people.

I suppose the reality however is that a lot of people remain single after divorce and some people never ever find a partner or have the families that they want to have in the first place.

Why do you think that your children are not having a good childhood? I am sure you are doing a lot better than you think, and it takes a lot of strength to go through a divorce.

While married one of my drivers for getting divorced was that I did not want my dc to think that my loveless non-relationship was normal or an example or any kind.

They may never see me in a loving and functional relationship but at least they know they can get out of a terrible one.

Maybe the first port of call (for me too) might be rekindling and building social relationships generally?

I'm sorry but you can change being fat. It's also not a lot of effort to do make up.

I've been through many periods of drought over the past ten years and not through choice as I adore sex! But I find it very hard to find men interested in me.
However, every time I think it will never happen again it eventually does. Do you do online dating? That's where I've found mine. They never amount to anything but I love the sex so it's worth it for me.

Oh dear please cut yourself some slack OP you've come out of a marriage to a man who sounds like he was pretty awful for your self-esteem. I bet he's no prince himself, how often did he put in the effort I wonder. You sound pretty great bringing your kids up and keeping shit together, that's no mean feat, genuinely!

Focus on what is important to you and learn to like yourself. Treat yourself sometimes, you have no doubt earned it. Go for the occasional pedicure (or do it yourself) there's nothing like sparkly toes to remind you that you can have nice things if you want them. Also, bear in mind that when people fall for each other they find things in each other that are beautiful even if you don't see them yourself. My OH loves my laugh - but honestly, I hate it! I snort like a fat hairy hog ffs. Just because you can't see your beauty right now, don't assume that no one else will.

You're not fat and ugly, you're just not feeling like the woman you used to be. Also your ex is still whispering in your brain.

You'll get there sweetie you really will. As you say, you're in the thick of it, but this doesn't last forever I promise. You are beautiful, funny, loved and kind.

Is that all I said? Did I say it was the answer?

There is a lot for OP to unpack here, I suggested therapy and self care/prioritising herself as starter points. If OP feels more secure, settled and sure of herself she can then consider a relationship which suits her.

Also, good vibrator never hurt anyone!

Stop trying to argue with strangers on the internet 😘

How old are your children?

As they get older, your options open up.

Also, how long ago did you split with your (arsehole) ex? It can take a long time to unhear the things they said or unsee the things they did. I spent best part of 5 years feeling like you did. Now I am older, wiser and the kids are older, so I was able to open up my social life a bit, then a bit more.

Oddly enough, now I can date etc, I dont want to! I was in a relationship that I ended a few weeks ago and I dont miss it. Dont miss him. Am happy, happier than I have ever been in my whole life.

Maybe just for now find time to do one thing to make you feel better. Hair cut, new outfit, get to an exercise class, any one thing you're missing that's not impossible to sort out.

I feel the same way @Notanytimesoon - I am also a single parent and also divorced, but I am in my 50s (I got divorced at 49).

I was very shy and had never had a boyfriend before exh. Now that I am divorced I have reverted to type basically.

Mostly I don’t care (ish), but if I occasionally find someone attractive it can be quite painful as at my age anyone I might like is invariably unavailable.

The pain is to do with the passing of time and feeling sad that my one experience of romantic love so to speak was in a marriage which was awful for many years 😔.

On the other hand when there is no one around to feel sad about I feel okay, if slightly cut off from life in a way. And I also think that being single means I avoid a whole array of potential crap. I have enough problems of my own without taking on someone else’s flaws and manipulative behaviour.

I think what I probably find hardest is wondering what is wrong with me… why have I always been so shy around men and what is it about me that means that in any setting I am in I am often in a very small minority of people who are not in a couple…

But compared to being married to my ex being single is a continuous source of amazement and joy to be honest.

I honestly don't think you should even be thinking about it at all. Concentrate on yourself, and healing.

In a year, two years, five years, you could find yourself in a totally different place. I think any woman going through a seperation had a crisis of confidence. I know my friends did. One had a full-on breakdown, but she's happy many years now into her second marriage. Another is just regrouping a year and a half after her split. They were married for 25 years. Be gentle with yourself and don't think too far ahead.

You can learn though - when you're ready. It doesn't sound to me as if you are anywhere near ready.

Look after yourself x

Well the first thing that needs to happen is rebuilding your sense of self and your self esteem. You should never get involved in a relationship when you don't love and value yourself. Taking care of your physical and mental wellbeing is essential when a single parent and carving out pockets of time for you is important.

Regular haircuts 4 times a year even if you don't colour it, it'll look better and neat.

Clean hands and nails, hand cream kept next to wherever you sit so you remember to apply and a slick of clear varnish once a week same with foot care, keep Flexitol in the bedside table to slather your feet before bed to keep painful cracked heels at bay.

Basic skincare to protect from the weather even if it's a £6 Oil of Olay moisturiser. Moisturise your body when you get out of the shower a couple of times a week. Nivea shower moisturiser in the shower is great and the big blue bottle afterwards is good for ongoing moisture.

Dental appointments - like gold dust here but booking a hygienist appointment is possible even though there are no dentists

Do these things for you as it is preventative of sore skin, or painful teeth etc.

Hobbies, tricky when at home with small children.
I like doing dance workouts on YouTube, it increase physical activity, is quite fun and gets some endorphins going and you can make it as high or low impact as you like

Take up something as a new skill - learning something builds self esteem and faith in your own abilities, crochet is great for beginners. I'm always a bit embarrassed to mention it but turns out 4 other women in my dispersed team do it and we often swap patterns etc.

I like theatre so started taking DD at a very young age to tots shows, she's a teen now and it's very much 'our' thing and it's always given me a bit of 'me' back.

It might not be hard to have sex, but if your self esteem has taken a big hit, and you are feeling ‘unloved’ and unattractive, it’s probably not the best idea to jump into casual sexual relationships with people who don’t care about you.

If you want sex it's not hard to find as a woman.

"Buy a vibrator"

Wow, absolutely fantastic advice 🙄