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Original poster

Paying for holiday

62 replies

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 00:50

I’m going to try to keep this short. I have recently moved abroad and my wife’s brother and wife have come to holiday and stay with us for a week. We have 3 kids and they don’t have any. We have been out for 3 meals so far - each time my wife asked would you like to stay home and she would cook or go out and they want to go out. Each time the bill comes and they don’t make a move to pay and let me pay the bill. Is this normal? I was expecting them to pay what they consume…

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2024 03:58

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 03:01

I’m sorry that was your experience - your disposable income is your own to spend on what you see fit. My wife feels she is the one that needs to have that conversation as it’s her brother.

Show quote history

Thanks for your response. In the end I sent an angry email to a complete leech telling her we’d spent thousands entertaining her when she and her bf would just drop in on us etc always empty handed and she paid us back by disrespecting our home. It would have been a bitter pill to swallow. But totally true. She was part of dh’s friendship group in the Uk but had coincidentally moved an hours drive away from one of the places we lived for a few years. As a result, the whole group rounded on me and that was that. No great loss really as they weren’t a respectful bunch at all.

Does your wife have time to rehearse and plan what she will say to her brother? I would be tempted to down tools and suggest you’re all tired snd suggest a takeaway that they pay for. If they refuse, I would just sort yourselves out and leave them to it. IE Match the same level of care they’re showing your family.

Delphiniumandlupins · 02/11/2024 03:53

If you and your wife are uncomfortable addressing this with them get your forthright MiL to talk to her freeloading son!

Kitkatcatflap · 02/11/2024 03:48

All this 'maybe they assumed you were offering to pay because you asked if they wanted to stay in or go out' is really not taking into account they turned up with nothing. Who goes to stay with someone for a week without taking gifts? Drinks, stuff you can't get - a few sweets for the kids. They are are duck arse squeaky tight. Your wife needs to make it clear that it's home cooked meals they are welcome to join as you won't be buying a anymore dinners out.

Out of curiosity - did they pay your wife back for the activity?

Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 03:33

Tourmalines · 02/11/2024 03:31

They are cheeky . I would never dream of leeching off family or anyone like that. Stop paying . If your wife has to cook and feed them the rest of the week so be it , but I don’t think I’d like to have them over again .

Good advice - I think that’s where I am at

OP posts:
Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 03:31

BlackToes · 02/11/2024 03:30

Surely you just say ‘we will put x in and you can put the rest in’

Can? yes - comfortable to is a different story.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 02/11/2024 03:31

They are cheeky . I would never dream of leeching off family or anyone like that. Stop paying . If your wife has to cook and feed them the rest of the week so be it , but I don’t think I’d like to have them over again .

Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 03:30

Fireworknight · 02/11/2024 03:22

Maybe they thought as you suggested the meal out, and are hosting, that you were also offering g to oay.

Don’t give the option and cook at home.

Maybe - will see if they pay for the activities or if we have to force it.

OP posts:
BlackToes · 02/11/2024 03:30

Surely you just say ‘we will put x in and you can put the rest in’

MumChp · 02/11/2024 03:25

Stop paying. Simple.
If you go out pay for yourself.

Fireworknight · 02/11/2024 03:22

Maybe they thought as you suggested the meal out, and are hosting, that you were also offering g to oay.

Don’t give the option and cook at home.

Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 03:14

MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 03:09

I'm not saying they were (although they might have been but too polite to say anything) just pointing out the different ways people can view hosting

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good to see other perspectives - but don’t think in this specific circumstance that was the case my wife and her mother are very close and my mil - is very open with her so she would have been honest - she’s honest with everything else - don’t think she would stop there

OP posts:
MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 03:09

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 03:03

My in laws were not offended at all.

Show quote history

I'm not saying they were (although they might have been but too polite to say anything) just pointing out the different ways people can view hosting

Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 03:03

MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 03:00

Some hosts would be mortally offended by you bringing your own groceries as it implied you didn't feel they would feed you enough. They invited you to stay and that includes all the expenses like food, water, electricity being part of the hosting.

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My in laws were not offended at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 03:01

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2024 02:53

If you wife told them the cost, the implication is that they pay. Are you going to talk to your bil? They are being incredibly rude. We lived abroad for a decade and had some real cheeky fuckers. They were jealous of our lifestyle and disposable income. When we visited friends, who lived in China at the time, we always took turns to pay for the food. These days we wouldn’t be able to keep up with that tbh. But we would be discussing that and asking to cut our cloth accordingly.

I’m sorry that was your experience - your disposable income is your own to spend on what you see fit. My wife feels she is the one that needs to have that conversation as it’s her brother.

OP posts:
MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 03:00

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:58

Thanks for your input - my wife and I were raised in we pay our way “no ifs, no butts, no coconuts” as my daughter likes to say 😂. Have stayed at my MIL and FIL many times (as they emigrated once they retired) for a holiday but never did I “allow” them to pay for us. We also brought in our own groceries. So really taken by surprise by the situation. The thought of someone paying for my meals out when I’m already living in their space, using water, gas & electric would have never crossed my mind as something acceptable.

Show quote history

Some hosts would be mortally offended by you bringing your own groceries as it implied you didn't feel they would feed you enough. They invited you to stay and that includes all the expenses like food, water, electricity being part of the hosting.

Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:58

MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 02:52

I'm saying I can see how asking the question "do you want us to cook for you or should we go out?" could be taken as the offer of food from you and the choice being given. I don't necessarily agree with it.

Some would see it as the host's "duty" to provide the food during a stay so wouldn't offer to pay because feeding your guests is expected.

Of course it's polite to bring a gift to thank your host, regardless of anything else

Re booking the activities. No, I wouldn't expect that to be included if it's something they wanted to do, especially if you've confirmed the price with them. I'd be clear in communication beforehand though. "Oh you want to visit Local Stately Home? I can book the tickets for you as its easier to book from in country/I have a discount. It will cost £X, please transfer it ASAP. Thanks". If you offered to take them somewhere, it might be a bit hazier on paying but I would still offer.

Show quote history

Thanks for your input - my wife and I were raised in we pay our way “no ifs, no butts, no coconuts” as my daughter likes to say 😂. Have stayed at my MIL and FIL many times (as they emigrated once they retired) for a holiday but never did I “allow” them to pay for us. We also brought in our own groceries. So really taken by surprise by the situation. The thought of someone paying for my meals out when I’m already living in their space, using water, gas & electric would have never crossed my mind as something acceptable.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2024 02:53

If you wife told them the cost, the implication is that they pay. Are you going to talk to your bil? They are being incredibly rude. We lived abroad for a decade and had some real cheeky fuckers. They were jealous of our lifestyle and disposable income. When we visited friends, who lived in China at the time, we always took turns to pay for the food. These days we wouldn’t be able to keep up with that tbh. But we would be discussing that and asking to cut our cloth accordingly.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 02:52

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:43

😂 my wife is a great cook thankfully! So in your opinion if you went on holiday and stayed at someone’s place for free - asking them what sort of plans they want/have is sort of implying we are paying for the duration of their stay? They have also said they wanted to do specific activities which my wife kindly booked after confirming prices with them sayings ( €100 per person she said in the text message) - is that also implying we are picking up the tab?

Show quote history

I'm saying I can see how asking the question "do you want us to cook for you or should we go out?" could be taken as the offer of food from you and the choice being given. I don't necessarily agree with it.

Some would see it as the host's "duty" to provide the food during a stay so wouldn't offer to pay because feeding your guests is expected.

Of course it's polite to bring a gift to thank your host, regardless of anything else

Re booking the activities. No, I wouldn't expect that to be included if it's something they wanted to do, especially if you've confirmed the price with them. I'd be clear in communication beforehand though. "Oh you want to visit Local Stately Home? I can book the tickets for you as its easier to book from in country/I have a discount. It will cost £X, please transfer it ASAP. Thanks". If you offered to take them somewhere, it might be a bit hazier on paying but I would still offer.

Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:43

MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 02:38

Idk I can kind of see how "should I cook or should we eat out?" Can sound like "we are providing the food, which way would you prefer to receive it"

But constantly chosing eat out feels cheeky, unless your wife's cooking is truly awful

Just stop giving them the choice

😂 my wife is a great cook thankfully! So in your opinion if you went on holiday and stayed at someone’s place for free - asking them what sort of plans they want/have is sort of implying we are paying for the duration of their stay? They have also said they wanted to do specific activities which my wife kindly booked after confirming prices with them sayings ( €100 per person she said in the text message) - is that also implying we are picking up the tab?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:39

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 02/11/2024 02:37

So they just sit and wait for you to pick up the bill? For how long? Where do they look? Do they say thanks?

Edited
Show quote history

No thanks so far - not sure where they look but they keep conversation as nothing has happened.

OP posts:
MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 02:38

Idk I can kind of see how "should I cook or should we eat out?" Can sound like "we are providing the food, which way would you prefer to receive it"

But constantly chosing eat out feels cheeky, unless your wife's cooking is truly awful

Just stop giving them the choice

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 02/11/2024 02:37

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:35

No contribution to groceries - they are staying for a week.
no gifts - they did bring some of the stuff we had left behind as we didn’t have enough luggage space

Show quote history

So they just sit and wait for you to pick up the bill? For how long? Where do they look? Do they say thanks?

Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:36

olympicsrock · 02/11/2024 02:32

Next time the bill arrives play chicken and don’t pick it up

I honestly have considered this 😂 - but feel bad as it’s 5 of us and only 2 of them. They also had alcohol at every single meal so drives the bill up a bit

OP posts:
Original poster
Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:35

coxesorangepippin · 02/11/2024 02:32

Yeah they're taking the piss.

They are stopping at yours for three weeks (are they contributing to groceries?) then not offering to pay when you go out for food??

Have they brought gifts/wine/stuff for the kids etc??

No contribution to groceries - they are staying for a week.
no gifts - they did bring some of the stuff we had left behind as we didn’t have enough luggage space

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 02/11/2024 02:32

Next time the bill arrives play chicken and don’t pick it up

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