Paying for holiday

Sorry but they are cheeky fuckers. My brother lives 3 hours away so sometimes we go stay with him. He has 3 kids we have 3 kids. We don't go out for dinner but we take turns cooking and I will always go and pick up groceries while I am there and bring wine or treats

CF = Cheeky Duck, but starting with an F 🤪

After the first meal out, if they had suggested going out again, I would have said something on the lines of 'Eating out regularly is expensive and only something we do occasionally. We're cooking tonight, and you're welcome to have dinner with us, but if you want to eat out instead, that's fine, we can spend some more time together tomorrow'.

And in future if you are ever eating out with them again when the bill arrives say "shall we split the bill"

I would have expected them to treat you to at least one meal since you are hosting them.
Then allowing you and/or expecting you to pay 3 times is unreasonable.

I wouldn't make a deal of it but I wouldn't be going out for any more meals either.

Sorry, but you sound like complete doormats.

When the bill came for the FIRST meal out you should have asked them for their share.

Just a slightly different perspective to most I've seen here... I have a good friend who lives across the country - when she comes up to visit me, I see it that she has paid a couple hundred quid on a plane ticket plus the inconvenience of travelling (normally using some annual leave from work to allow it) so we can spend time together. I therefore treat her to meals and activities and this feels like a fair way of distributing the cost/effort of the weekend together.

There's obviously a sensible limit here - we might go out for a dinner plus a casual lunch/coffee and a low-to-medium budget activity. She is always very respectful and offers to pay which I refuse but appreciate, and doesn't take the p* by ordering anything excessive beyond what I'm having. We've never explicitly discussed the arrangement but there's absolutely a mutual understanding. If we do anything more expensive, she is more insistent on paying and I accept.

I'm not necessarily saying this is completely comparable to OP's situation - there's absolutely a level of CFery going on there regardless of how you look at it - but could the guests have in their minds that the meals are somewhat of a justified reciprocation, if they have paid to go spend time with OP and it's not somewhere they would otherwise normally go?

You've paid for 6 adult meals and booze so why don't you think they should pay next time. They really should!
We recently stayed with friends for 3 nights, took wine, flowers. Cooked in twice and went out once, we paid the bill. Least we could do.

The ‘rules’ are based on family tradition, but as your wife is upset, your BIL seems to have invented one!

Personally, I would only think it normal for you to pay if you were very well off and the other side wasn’t. In my family, the rule is the higher earners take it in turns to pay.

Sounds like BIL might just be a CFer though…

Yep.
They know what they're doing. Of course it isn't normal! Just tell them it's their turn.

Oh so would I! That’s what is making this tricky for OP, she wasn’t ready for this.

Even if you are eating in they should be contributing. They are being proper cheeky. Nip it in the bud!

If i was staying in someone's house i would be more likely to pay for their meal than expect them to pay for mine

Nip it in the bud or this will continue for years. My DM is from a different country, with a huge family. They have been visiting her for decades, and most of them don't pay a thing, they expect all activities, travel, meals out paid for and come over in groups of at least 4. When she visits her home country they give her somewhere to stay but as she's not there as a tourist there are no dinners out etc.

She has suggested I take on hosting the younger generation now - no way!

It’s hard because the visitors have not indicated that they are expecting to share the bill. They think they’re being treated by their hosts. I’ve been in that position and it is very hard to change the expectation without humiliating your guests. Much easier to cook at home from now on.

Indeed. When we host friends or family, we mostly eat in (we meal plan for the stay and cook nicer meals than we'd have if itvwere just us two) and in all cases, the guests have stated they want to take gs out for dinner on one of the nights they are with us. If we book daytime activities, we pay as the hosts - but the guests usually insist on paying for coffees, snacks etc when we're out.

I'm astonished at regular intervals by the CFs that pp on here endure as house guests!

Bill arrives
It's £X
Our comes to £Y with the kids meals
Yours comes to £Z
I really don't get why this is so hard

How horribly embarrassing. They are taking Would you like to go out as an offer to pay. I would stop offering and start cooking inexpensive meals at home. If they suggest going out say Oh thank you that’s very kind.

This is very odd, when I stayed with some friends last year, they paid for a takeaway the night we arrived from the airport, we treated them to a really big dinner with posh wine that they tried to pay for, they paid for a brunch out and we split other things. Next time I’d prefer some sort of kitty though, not that it wasn’t fair but because it takes away should we pay for all of it, half of it etc?

If they suggest visiting - say you can recommend local B&B's hotels in the area.

They are being incredibly rude. I would never invite them again.

At breakfast tomorrow, or whenever you're all sitting down together (so they can't easily move away) just casually say " we need to sort money out today, as I've paid all the restaurant bills so far, as it just seemed easier do that and sort it between us at home.I'm running low on money now til I get paid next, and I've worked out your share so far is £x amount. It'd be great if you could transfer the money before we go out today as I've got a large direct debit due to leave my bank today. if you get your banking app up, I'll give you my bank details" And hold your phone in your hand til the payment shows on your app, to 'check it's gone through'....
Don't forget to add on the cost of the tickets your wife paid for!