Birthday AIBU

Actually I would be extremely upset if I was you. Birthdays are always a big thing in my family - not necessarily spending a lot of money, but definitely making an effort. The birthday person always has a birthday tea or lunch either on the birthday itself or in the next available weekend. They get to choose what they want to eat and what kind of cake they want and NEVER have to make their own celebratory meal.

It is my birthday next Friday. My youngest daughter is visiting for the long weekend. I will be having pastries for breakfast (frozen and baked in the day) and I will have my presents first thing. My birthday lunch will be on Saturday... DH is cooking, and he will make my birthday cake. My other daughter and her family are coming over and I will open their present (s) when they are here.

It is the only day of the year when the birthday person is the most important person, so it should be special.

I agree you should reciprocate for all three of their next birthdays. (as long as kids are 16+).

Immediate family are often selfish and entitled, it's not intentional, it just is. You run round every year and facilitate all the niceties in spite of your own job, busyness and tiredness to make sure their event is celebrated. It becomes expected.

It's good your husband apologised, but his excuse is just that - an excuse. I'm sure you've found the bandwidth at past birthdays to manage all the usual fal-de-ral in spite of whatever other demands you were juggling. I'd still be very tempted to reciprocate. May depend what Christmas brings!

These threads always baffle me. DH and I have been together 11 years and never once had a birthday come out of nowhere. Weeks before we're discussing what we want to do for our birthday, where will we go for a meal, are there any specific presents we want etc. We don't make a big deal with decorations or extravagant presents but there's no way it could be forgotten or ignored

Wanting to feel appreciated and seen is perfectly fine. I would be upset too if that's all my family could manage for my birthday. It's not even about money, it's about thought. A small present would have been better than nothing.

If you want to be treated a certain way on your birthday, you need to explicitly tell your DH & family that. Whether it's right or wrong that you need to do so. But it's the only way to guarantee you won't feel disappointed on your birthday. Glad you've had an apology now.

You know what standard he expects on his birthday then

Yes - I would drop that for starters.
Being taken for granted by your husband and kids must be very upsetting.
Very unattractive trait.

In our house everyone gets the same- pressies, cards, cake. Dd will often put up banners.

I would be ok with flowers and a card but the fact that they left it until the actual day and someone wandered to the nearest supermarket and got flowers and a card. Complete lack of thought and care.

I would forgive kids as they would expect dad to lead on this.

Dh next birthday he would be getting a card and flowers (or equivalent ) in the evening and called a diva if he complains.

I think in these situations you have to match the other persons energy. I would also save the money I would have spent on dh for my next birthday and treated my self to a massage or similar.

Stressed/distracted by work ffs. Remarkable how you manage to remember family birthdays despite also working full time.

That is good.

I'd be upset too but birthdays are a big deal in my house. I think everyone else in the family would find it odd too if it was someone's birthday and we did absolutely nothing all day

For everyone's birthday I make a fuss.. always get banner balloons cake etc and thoughtful gifts

Hopefully this is a thing of the past and you do for them now as they've done for you. That's when it will really hit them.

It's hardly spoilt to expect immediate family to remember your birthday ahead and plan SOMETHING. I'd be even more annoyed at putting it back on you.

I'd maybe make a 'joke' of how lame they are at birthdays and reciprocate on their birthdays. Also, consider just disappearing next birthday to do your own thing because they were "so lame last year".

At 47 it's time to realise if you want something you have to ask for it.
Eg:
I would like breakfast in bed on my birthday. We will go out to dinner and you will pay, you will remember it is my Birthday and make a fuss and I will be grateful and graceful throughout!

Once I realised that (I have a decade on you) I stopped being disappointed.

Ps Happy Birthday! 🥳

Then from now on this is all they get in return. A card and a generic thoughtless supermarket gift in the afternoon.

I don't think it is unreasonable to want to have other people make you feel special once in a while, and to treat a birthday as a special day for you, and preparing for it to do so, is an obvious opportunity to do that.

You want to feel like you matter.

I find threads like this a bit odd because it suggests that the birthday and the celebration just wasn’t mentioned in the lead up.

DH will say ‘oh your birthday is coming up - what do you fancy?’ Then we’ll discuss whether we want to go out or do presents etc.

Then the week before it’ll be a conversation - eg ‘Is your mum still ok to babysit?’ Or ‘do you want presents before or after work?’

And so on. It’s definitely not a big deal but expectations are very much laid out beforehand.

@loulouwho1 YANBU - unless there are significant financial issues then that seems very lacklustre. I’d be disappointed too.

If you buy presents and make a fuss for his birthday - then yep you have every right to be annoyed - especially if you go the whole hog with banners, balloons, cake. The least you could expect is a cup of tea in bed with some cards, hugs and kisses, and a present or two - and like you say a take-away and a chance to be 'ruler of the remote' for an evening.

Just do the same thing back to him on his birthday. See how he likes it.

Outrageous that he's calling you spoilt too....say to him- 'I think the words you are actually looking for are; I'm sorry'. I've said this to my own DH a few times when he's gotten super defensive/going down a bit of a gaslighting path about something and it's worked.

How old are your kids? Because if they're late teens (over 16yrs) - I'd be tempted to do the same to them too and when they complain say 'what goes around comes around'. There's a life lesson to be had.

It's one day of the year and in this day and age where you can order anything from Amazon for next day delivery, or same day delivery from Argos - there's really no excuse.

Shitty shitty behaviour OP.

Happy birthday anyway. Hope you can do something nice for yourself this weekend.

You're right to feel as you do. I get spoilt on my birthday. There's always a boyfriend (+potential boyfriends) hanging around with cards and presents, hoping I'll go somewhere with them as a "birthday treat", and to not have that little thrill of men fighting over me would be disappointing.

Do bugger all for their next birthdays. Enjoy the reaction.

I'd be disappointed too.
Or rather I am disappointed every year that my birthday goes totally unnoticed by all my family. Often not even a text from my mum or siblings. and the kids couldn't care less.
I put a lot of thought and effort into other people and it hurts that they don't give a stuff back.
So yes, maybe if the flowers and card had arrived first thing in the morning with a cup of tea. And a 'where would you like takeaway' at dinner. Yes great.
Flowers and a card that arrive because you have had to mention it, whilst you cook the dinner. No. What's the point. They might as well not have bothered.

I'd be pissed off too.
I know on MN adults and birthdays are seen as something unnecessary. But I like birthdays.

You should be made to feel special on your birthday by those who love you. It's not the gifts but the thought.
Even if your birthday is on a busy day, they can arrange fun for the weekend.

I'm sorry its been a crap birthday. I hope you do something enjoyable (with or without the family members)

Next year, OP, give your DH a card and a token pressie (garage chocs?) when you get home from work. Given his attitude, that should be more than enough.

A card and a Happy Birthday first thing would have been nice...