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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it OK for him to comment on my body?

58 replies

Fayruh · 01/11/2024 20:23

I'll start off by saying I'm quite a slim woman and have few curves (borderline underweight but not). I definitely have some bum though and wear a size 8 clothing. The guy I'm seeing but not formally dating for a long while has expressed he loves a woman with curves and would love it if I gained some weight & got a bigger bum etc. as he loves curvy women. He didn't say this out of the blue as we were talking about fitness BUT it has deeply upset me, as I'm not naturally curvy and dont put on weight easily. He has said this in the past but in a respectful way where he has also expressed how he likes skinny girls too & hasn't made me feel like absolute shite. Now he's just made me feel insecure and just not good enough as that is a standard I will never be able to meet. Tbh I wouldn't have mind it if he said it in a gentler way as I'm trying to gain weight anyway.

AIBU to think that he was being unreasonable to say that?

OP posts:
VWT5 · 01/11/2024 23:31

You could smile and reply along the lines of - yeah, I like men with waxed firm chests, flat abdomens, peachy bottoms, smooth backs, strong arms…..and walk off (is what I would do).

Jumpingthruhoops · 01/11/2024 23:26

Now he's just made me feel insecure and just not good enough as that is a standard I will never be able to meet.

Size 8 is often considered to be the gold 'standard'. If this guy doesn't like your body how it is, I guarantee hundreds of others will.

randomchap · 01/11/2024 23:20

It sounds like he's trying to make you into his idea of the perfect woman, rather than appreciating and loving you for the person you actually are.

Do you want to be with someone who is trying to mould you into something else, or do you want to be with someone who simply likes you

healthybychristmas · 01/11/2024 23:12

You are letting a man tell you that your body isn't good enough for him. There is only one thing you should do and that is get him out of your life. For what it's worth you sound like you have an amazing figure but that actually is nothing to do with it. Don't let him tell you how you can improve yourself to keep him happy.

Garlicpest · 01/11/2024 22:54

Fayruh · 01/11/2024 22:42

@Garlicpest hmmm i appreciate that but to me it came across as more like he would love it if I were curvier... And no show of appreciation for my current physique lol

Sorry to hear this. However great his other qualities, then, he's got a massive flaw! Telling someone you'd prefer them to be different is really not good. I hope confronting him works - but do keep an eye out for other criticisms of who/what you are. You don't need to be around that.

Original poster
Fayruh · 01/11/2024 22:42

@Garlicpest hmmm i appreciate that but to me it came across as more like he would love it if I were curvier... And no show of appreciation for my current physique lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Fayruh · 01/11/2024 22:37

@Opentooffers my reason for posting this on mumsnet is to get other people's opinions before I confront him about this

OP posts:
Original poster
Fayruh · 01/11/2024 22:36

@Opentooffers I don't love him, he is a friend though so yeah I care about him. It's not okay for him to say this to me, let me make that clear.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/11/2024 22:33

Oh dear, so you Love him, but he has no intentions of making you official? Sounds like you're settling for less already, so he's worked out that he can say anything and you'll still 'see him'.

Original poster
Fayruh · 01/11/2024 22:31

Thank you @verycloakanddaggers I didnt know about negging, it certainly looks like it...

OP posts:
Original poster
Fayruh · 01/11/2024 22:30

@Opentooffers that's true wouldn't be hard... but he has so many good qualities & is such a great person, this just threw me off 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Fayruh · 01/11/2024 22:28

@Gettingannoyednow thank you!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/11/2024 22:28

If you're just 'seeing him', it shouldn't be difficult to get out of. Go find someone who does appreciate the way you are.

Original poster
Fayruh · 01/11/2024 22:27

@BigFatLiar thanks for your comment, I always appreciate his honesty as he's very honest and open with me which is what I LOVE about him. HOWEVER I thought this might have been a step to far and him asking me to change might have been attempt to undermine me. If you see what I mean...

OP posts:
loropianalover · 01/11/2024 22:25

Tell him you wish he had a better hairline and then scarper.

Original poster
Fayruh · 01/11/2024 22:23

@Overtheatlantic thanks 🥹

OP posts:
Original poster
Fayruh · 01/11/2024 22:22

@TimeForTeaAndG good point although he told he thought me that skinny women are also nice... And now this 🤣

OP posts:
Rescue2024 · 01/11/2024 21:50

That’s a him issues
not a you issue
don’t forget that!

Mum2jenny · 01/11/2024 20:56

Ditch, he’s not a keeper

September1013 · 01/11/2024 20:56

I agree with PP that he’s probably negging you. Either that or he’s wants you to gain weight so there’s less chance of other men being attracted to you.

Nothatgingerpirate · 01/11/2024 20:54

Yeah, no.
Fuck him.
Any such comments relating to your body, slim or less, are unacceptable.
I grew up in a different culture and time, no problem with weight and so on but boy,
am I getting pissed off at these things now.
😁

BPR · 01/11/2024 20:51

Dump him and don't look back.
Not nice.
Not normal.
It's him, not you.
You shouldn't tolerate this for a minute.

Edingril · 01/11/2024 20:47

I wouldn't feel insecure I would feel he has the issue not me

MassiveOvaryaction · 01/11/2024 20:47

You change this then there'll be something else. Or you've put too much weight on and why aren't you like you were when we first met? You've let yourself go. (That's him saying it, not me btw, in case it's not obvious).

Bin him off. You deserve better.

Garlicpest · 01/11/2024 20:40

I voted YANBU because anything other than appreciative comments on our bodies is a minefield. BUT ... but, but ... could he be letting you know he'll still appreciate you if you gain weight? So many women get upsetting remarks from men about needing to lose weight. He must be aware of this and, perhaps, wanting to tell you he wouldn't do it.

I dunno - you were there, I wasn't!