Need advice on complicated family dynamic

I think a gentle half truth about not being able to host this Christmas is enough for now to keep him away, tell him you can't do it in the circumstances. No need to apologise. Then I think your dd needs to know the truth about him. As you say, it's like a poison to keep all these secrets and your dd is old enough to understand. When and how you tell him is the real problem, but at the moment just concentrate on you and your dd and keeping safe from the volatile ds.

Does he have no family on his mum’s side?

In your shoes, widowed, I would tell him that his parentage was his parents’ secret and not yours. That neither you nor your DD are related to him. You have to be prepared to share DD’s DNA with him though (you can thank your DH for that) - and also be prepared for the results to show that he is, in fact, your DH’s son.

If you can’t stomach any of that, you’re going to have to just cut him out of your life and live with that in your conscience, as well as the possibility that you may well be denying your DD a half-sibling.

Did your DH leave everything to you? With it eventually to go to DD? Is that why he’s maintaining this relationship?

😱😱😱

He's his dad if he's on the BC and nothing has been done to contest paternity.

I feel extremely sorry for the poor man. I think I would let him come for xmas. He's lost the only father he's known and has no mother either.

I'd tell him. I wouldn't want anyone like that near my child.

do ancestry dna? act surprised

The first conversation you should have, is with your daughter @chasingsheep the whole truth.

Explain your concerns. He (the son) is not related to her etc.

Would you invite a stranger into your home just because they are aggressively pursuing a non-existent relationship?

Please protect yourself and your daughter.

I do understand your reticence wrt to a DNA test and all that entails, ultimately though, it will set you all free

Does the son know your late husband isn’t his father?

in all honestly if he does not. I’d not go against my late husband’s wishes.

That does not mean tho you need to play happy families, I’d keep the relationship at a long distance.

I think I’d email him, tell him the truth then block him on everything. Harsh but the easiest way out. He’s probably going to be very angry, with you as everyone else to blame for this lie is dead.

I’m so terribly sorry you’ve lost your husband, you need only focus on yourself and DD. You should tell DD at the same time if you think she can handle it. If you think it’s better to wait do that. Is she having any grief counselling? If so you could ask the therapist for advise on how to tell DD?

Did the not-SS get anything in DH’s will?

Ooh, how difficult.

I would tread very carefully if he's unstable. Very often we see one side of a person but it's important to remember that trauma can cause all sorts of challenging behaviour. No one knows what he has been through. They say, if it's hysterical it's historical....

Just say no to Christmas as you already have other plans. No need to justify. Other plans can be you and DD at home on your own.

You could suggest meeting up before or after for lunch. Set a time limit in your head and meet in a public place.

If your DD is mature enough I would tell her the truth and discuss how you can proceed going forwards. She may be able to help come up with a solution. If you tell him, it needs to be done gently with evidence. He's lost his Mum and now his Dad. That's tough for anyone.

I work in social care and some of the local family stuff that happens is shocking so take care.

Where does the son live? Is he likely to doorstep you?

How often did he see his "dad" when your DH was alive? What was thier relationship like?

I mean you could tell him the truth but there isn't any real way of proving it is there? No way to DNA test? He could refuse to believe what you tell him?

I'd be inclined to keep contact minimal and non committal and hopefully he just fades away.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

I think you've got enough on your plate for now and would simply respond to this man saying, 'I'm not up to hosting anyone for Christmas, having recently lost DH. We're not sure what our plans are at present - we might go to friends' and ignore any further communication about it.

What you do in the long term is up to you, but I quite understand why you don't want contact.

How ridiculous! Pay for somewhere and go and stay away from home! Just be truthful.

Was your husband on his birth certificate? Has a DNA test ever been done?

What’s your DD’s relationship with him been like so far? Has she seen him regularly/ does she consider him a half sibling?

I think I’d be guided by that. In time I think I’d be tempted to tell them both but sensitively however much of a dick he is. Something along the lines of you feel they should know the truth but obviously they can still have a relationship if that’s what they BOTH want and with appropriate behaviour/ boundaries.

For now you can still say no to having him for Christmas. Could you be away? It’s usually a good idea to do something completely different the first year after losing someone anyway. I wouldn’t do anything in a hurry.

This sounds very hard. Tell him that you are going away over Xmas. ( and go away).

You could gently tell both that there was a doubt about the parentage that was never confirmed, but DNA tests might be a good solution to clarify.

I don't see why you need to keep up with this man. However you do need to tell him the truth first.

Does the “DS” know that your DH is not his biological father? I’m not sure it matters after 30 years of parenting. He’s effectively adopted him. Doesn’t mean you have to host him though.

Has he always had a sibling relationship with your DD? How does she feel about him?

You are recently widowed, which is enough to deal with without entertaining people you don't like, “family” or not.
I’d do your best to put him off and concentrate on your DD and yourself.
I think longer term telling him the truth would be for the best, but don’t know how you’d prove it, he may just think it’s a lie. So sorry you’ve been left this unpleasantness at such a sad time OP.