Need advice on complicated family dynamic

Oh yes. Buy a 14 year old an ancestry DNA kit and let her find out by stealth. Way to go.

And when it turns out they’re related after all? What then?

Personally I find it hard to believe that a woman would tell a man the child wasn’t his and still let the child believe he was, even though they weren’t together any more.

And what kind of man continues to lie to his children and expects his wife to keep up the pretence.

I think the OP needs to be careful what she wishes for, because I have a feeling things aren’t as the OP hopes.

The thing that massively stands out here is NOBODY knows the truth if a DNA test was never carried out.

You can't just tell him he his not a biological son when it is equally possible that he is a half brother.

This is a terrible position for the OP to have been left in but the sooner this is resolved one way or another will be better for anyone

This is the best answer.
Honesty is best, always, but there is a time and place for telling the truth.

Gently put him off this Christmas, but no need to say anything else just yet.

How often would you normally expect to see him? If it is only a couple of times a year, carry on as normal and hold fire for now.
In about a year, when the bereavement is not so close in time and raw, discuss the situation with your DD, and get her opinion of him - it will be affected by how much time they actually spent together. Ask her not to tell him as you will do that. Warn her he may want a blood test from her.

If you would normally see him more frequently, you may have to shorten this timetable.

Very soon after speaking to DD, promptly arrange to meet him and tell him the truth about his parentage, face to face. He needs to know.
But don't say anything at all in that conversation about his behaviour or about no longer seeing him.

Give it a further several months, keeping a bit of distance and minimal visits if you must. After that time, you could talk to him about his behaviour, if you think that will help or if you want to. If you still really don't like him, a gradual fade out would be best.

Meanwhile, as another OP said, check with a solicitor about your will and whether your DD inheritance is safe, or whether he could have any claim.

@chasingsheep why not buy him an ancestry dna kit for his christmas?? then one for your daughter? quite innocuous and a normal gift to give.

Op said her dd isn't keen on him.

I think it's obvious this man has been through the mill but so has op and he has a right to know but he may lash out or get violent who knows??

Maybe that's way off the mark but I think op needs to think about her own safety and her dds first.

Then gently tell this man the truth whilst profusely apologising, strongly reinforcing it's her dh descion etc.

This is great advice. Too much emphasis is put on blood relations. If your husband had adopted him would the situation be any different?

Poor man has recently lost his dad (who cares if not biological) and your dd is his only real connection to him.

How recently did your husband pass? Is this the first Christmas without him? Where did the son go before?

There was another thread in a similar line to this, OP. The point I made there, I will make here
Today so many people do their family tree, many then do a DNA test to find relatives. If, in the future, your DD or this young man go down that route and discover that they are not related, then it opens up a real can on worms.
For now I would put him off an Xmas meet up
But I really think that you do need to tell him that there seemed to be a doubt about who was his biological father. At the end of the day he should know the truth.

The last couple of messages have ,made me think
Completely putting aside what's right or wrong

Actually we don't have to have anyone In our life who we don't want in it .
Relative or not .
Plenty of people cut of relatives for not being nice people and not getting along .
If your Spidey senses say you don't want him in your life or your dds you don't have to ..

In reality OP you don't really know either way. I would suggest that your DH acted as the father figure and in that, he was his dad. Whether he is a blood relative or not seems to be a good 'excuse' for someone you find hard to deal with.
You could decide to be open and honest with him about what you know, but the relationship your DD has is about ties, not blood. She may or may not decide to pursue this.

Either way, you are free to decline his company at Xmas

Are there any other family members that can support you/ DSS in this? Did DH or DSS’s mum have any siblings?

I would stop keeping this family secret from everyone. Your duty is to your daughter only. Tell him in the best and kindest possible way. And tell your daughter too.

Everyone deserves to know who their biological parents are or, as in your step son's case, who they aren't.

And do not tell your daughter. Telling this son the news you have will do no good to him, none. It will only harm him. And your daughter. You say it wasn't your secret and you wish you hadn't kept it, but you did. And long enough now that telling it would be more damaging than before. It would be entirely selfish and unnecessary

The fact your husband left him a inheritance shows he was a good man. Sorry for your loss

It's an awful situation that many people are finding themselves in. He may need to know in the future for medical reasons so even though there is difficulties between the two of you please consider telling him, preferably face to face so he can ask questions.

The actor John Simm has just been through something similar, although his mum was still alive and the one to warn him of the possibility when he told her he was filming for dna journey. He reacts well but for some it can be soul destroying. Might be worth watching that episode to see how he reacts.

Crikey. No matter what you think of him, he has lost a father even if not his genetic one. Don't make it worse at this time - for him, for your daughter, for yourself. Not after ALL this time.

Do no harm. They are two children and it sounds like the DS has not had an easy time. By all means don't spend your Christmas but consider that he is probably alone now too. And perhaps he sees your DD as the only person he has a chance of a reasonable relationship with.

His feelings about yoh are unlikely to be about you! And more his dead mother. To be honest, I think you're making this all about you and not two children who have lost a father.

This is tough and I sympathise with the OP just wanting a clean break. But I think this man's paternity is actually a red herring. You've been in his life for over two decades. Your daughter has known him all her life. The relationship is there even if the DNA isn't. I personally don't believe an actual blood relationship makes a jot of difference to the bonds we form as humans. (I'm coming at this from the perspective of an adoptee.)

So I guess a few questions I have are:

-You say he's destructive and obnoxious. But is he dangerous, or potentially dangerous? If the latter, you can cut him off without a second thought (even if he is actually related to your daughter).

-What kind of relationship would you have with him if you didn't cut him off? Are we talking about a duty visit a couple of times a year? Or would he push and encroach for more?

-What kind of support network does he have where he lives?

-Most importantly what does your daughter feel about him? She's 14, that's definitely old enough to know whether you're happy to have someone in your life or not. Is she also wary of him? Or do they have some common ground?

I would do as a PP suggested and hold off making any final decisions while you're still grieving. You can make excuses about not having him for Xmas and you can keep him at arm's length for now. I would also tell your daughter the truth and be led by her feeling on that - it may be that she wants to preserve a relationship regardless, or it may not.

If you do end up washing your hands of him, I wouldn't tell him that the reason is "he wasn't your real dad". That's a bit of a body blow to someone who's lost both their parents and is now being told that people he thought were family want nothing more to do with him. And it's also not quite the truth. Because if he was a pleasant and amenable man it wouldn't matter that he wasn't your husband's son - he'd just be a welcome addition to your life. You should feel able to tell him that it's obnoxious, destructive behaviour that makes you want to cut him off.

I agree with this. And also, what difference does it make whether he's related or not? Would you be acting the same if this man was your DH's son? If someone adopts a child and then decides they don't like them, is it ok to abandon them?

I do understand why you wouldn't want him around your DD although we only have your description of his character. Obnoxious, destructive and bitter are quite subjective. And now you've enlisted loads of people on here to validate your feelings and your behaviour.

You will have to tell him the truth, but DNA tests would show they are not related, if he doesn't believe you.

It’s your job to safeguard your daughter. If he was your husbands son it would still be fine to say you don’t want a relationship with him - you don’t get along and I wouldn’t want him to visit at any time.

Awful of you to keep this secret as the years go by there is more chance of his bio dad dying and a reconciliation to be impossible
so unfair to deny him a chance to find out who he is
send him a DNA test asap and get your daughter one asap
he needs accurate medical information for his health and his children’s health !
outrageous of all of you to have kept this secret he should have been told from birth

after telling him you do not have to have any contact with him and teach your daughter she does not ever have to tolerate people like him ever, it weird that he thinks he can have a relationship with her and not you

^ absolutely this 100%

Very few people seem to be able to put themselves in someone else's shoes.

It takes a special person to treat someone they're not very fond of with compassion during difficult circumstances. Much as you don't like him, he's also mourning the man he thought was his father. He may not like you because your presence put a block on your DH ever getting back with his Mum. Who knows. People don't hate people for no reason.

As a PP said, I would approach this from the stance that his Mum told your DH that he wasn't the Father but he decided to stick by him regardless because he loved him and thought it was the right thing to do. I'd say it was her word and not confirmed so he may want to investigate. It could be that there is a family out there somewhere which may be of benefit.

How would you like this handled if you were him?

I don't for sure how DNA works
But if the daughter and possible son sent of their DNA , surely a 50% link would show ,or some connection..

I think it depends on how sure the husband was that he wasn't his dad ,and how much time dd and the son have spent together,and how often the husband had the son over .
I mean if the son came over every Christmas,and now he's told no ...that's not good ...
But I do think a DNA test should be done ,so your DD knows if she has a brother or not .
If he is her half brother ,it's not really on ,for the op to cut him out of her life
I read it originally...and understood it to be that he definitely is not the husbands son..but if there is a chance he is ...then DNA should be done ,if for no other reason than for her DD to know the truth..

The dad was told that he wasn’t his son.

If there was no DNA test there’s no way of knowing this for certain.

You’re a good person for recognizing this. You really have been left in a horrible position by your DH. It would be easy for you to not face this until you, too, take it to your grave. But you leave your DD with the same conundrum if you do.

It’s a very difficult situation. I would make my excuses for this Christmas and then address it next year.