Need advice on complicated family dynamic

I agree. Time and 'distance' will help you see your path more clearly.

Best of luck to you and DD. I wish you peace in the New Year.

Hold up, so your dd thinks he’s her half brother? As does he? Nobody told him what his mum said? I would hugely discourage any relationship, tell your dd the truth (and him, he deserves to know, he can do the DNA test if you allow your dd to do the same for proof if necessary) and drop contact. He’s not a child, he’s not your problem/stepson.

Im very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how hard that is. You definitely shouldn’t be hosting someone for Christmas, let alone someone you can’t stand.

Can I just say to ALL the posters saying, 'Poor chap, have him over for Christmas' or just 'Have him over for a little while on the day' etc that the OP has lost her DH and probably doesn't feel like hosting visitors - particularly unwelcome ones.

Why on earth should she? She and her DD are grieving. If she is going to put someone else first, over her own needs, it will be her 14 yo child - not an adult man she has a poor relationship with and doesn't like much.

Can we please remember that the OP is probably the one struggling the most with this loss - this is the person she was married to and who shared her life on a day to day basis. She shouldn't have to be dealing with this shit or people making her feel guilty that she finds this man intrusive when she is struggling.

Put aside whether this person is actually her DHs son or not - she doesn't have to spend a Christmas Day slaving over a stove and hosting other people shortly after a bereavement. I can't actually believe that anyone thinks she should be martyring herself to this extent!

It wouldn't be suggested that a man did it if he had lost his wife.

I agree with this, whether or not he’s your DH’s biological son, he’s just lost the man who has been his dad for 30 years. I’d fob him off about coming for Christmas, concentrate on getting your new normal with your DD and kick the can down the road a bit longer before going for the nuclear option.

You may find him obnoxious but he has now lost both parents, poor chap.

To be now told that your DH was never his father, in the run up to his first Christmas without him, is beyond cruel and would absolutely devastate him. I think it could actually push him over the edge and you would have to live with that.

Have him over for Christmas Day - it's just an afternoon/evening after all, and make the poor guy feel welcome.

A lot can happen in a year and maybe by this time next year (or ideally before) you can find the right time to tell him the truth.

Like it or not, he is part of your family

Youve said he’s overbearing and obnoxious- but I really don’t think that’s a reason to be cruel.
He’s only thirty and has lost both of his parents.

Personally I don’t think it’s your secret to tell (I say that as someone who’s adopted myself). Is there anyone who is close to him on his mums side (a grandparent or aunt) who may be better placed to do so - who would be doing it without malice.

The poor guy has experienced loss upon loss and is going to experience loss again.

I lost a parent this year. It would be the epitome of cruel in my opinion to deliver this potential news before someone has had real significant time to come to terms with grieving their loss properly. After that he may be able to see it as a phase of life with a man who was wonderful and kind to him and be curious about potential other relatives siblings with whom he shares traits with.

But a few months or a mere year is nowhere near enough (as I'm discovering) to put the death of his 'father' (and it still may be his actual father) in context, emotionally. To do it now...I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Poor bugger.

I think you need a meeting with him and DD before Christmas to say this is what you heard and do a DNA test on both of them to check they really aren't related. He then has a chance to find his own family. Can you meet him for a walk somewhere over Christmas but not have him to stay

Health reasons is a good reason to tell him. He might be able to track relatives/dad down via ancestry if he's told. He might blindly be telling doctors your DHs info.

And once you're gone (sorry), your DD would feel this continuing burden of fake blood to her grave. Don't we all have that terrible relative who we feel obliged to invite or care about?

How long has it been since your DH passed? If it's going to be under 6 months at Christmas I might leave it til next year, otherwise tell him. Or at least tell your DD.

I think more information may have given better responses. It's important really to know how much contact there was between your late DH and potential DS and some examples of his 'obnoxious' behaviour.

I agree both with cutting him off if he's abusive and cutting him some slack if he's been involved all this time.

Either way I think he needs to know there's some doubt about his biological father and offer to help resolve that. But not now. I wonder if you could use a mediator or therapist?

He needs to know for health reasons. Does he have no family at all? It's really sad. His life is going to blow up 😥

BTW there is an item on the BBC news today about 2 women who have found that they were accidentally swapped at birth in a hospital. How did they discover that? Because another family member did a DNA test for genealogy purposes and found a full sibling who they didn't know existed. The woman who he thought was his sister was no relation to him at all. Both were born in the same hospital a few hours apart.
Today these sorts of things can be found out.

@chasingsheep

The DS is a nightmare. Very bitter and destructive and obnoxious.

Those three words can have a plethora of meanings from insulting someone to punching someone in the nose . Do you mind saying/giving examples of how this 'manifests' itself?

I quite frankly want nothing to do with him but he insists on contacting DD as it's 'his family'. DD isn't that keen but it's not top of her priorities at this age I suppose.

She's 14. She deserves to have her 'say' but you have the final word. If she wants to see him you facilitate as best as you can as long as he behaves appropriately to her and politely to you. If she doesn't want to see him or if you feel it would be detrimental to her then the answer to him is "Not at this time, maybe when she's older".

Anyway the DS has asked to come for Christmas.

No need to lie. You politely tell him that you and DD are spending a quiet Christmas, just the two of you, this year. No need to tell him where or how or say you're 'going out of town' if you aren't.

If he doesn't accept your decision, then you may have to take 'further steps' to make him understand. But again, these decisions should be made with your DD as the 'centre', not him and not your dislike of him.

As far as the issue of his paternity, leave it, especially as you would be doing it to 'end' any relationship with you and DD and to 'get him out of your life'. There's no point in destroying, for him, the memories of the relationship he and his dad had (as difficult as it was). The time may come when it is right to tell him, but that time is not now. It's all too fresh.

When did DH die?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't do anything rash for at least 6 months. Grief clouds the mind and big decisions are best left till later.

Tell him you have other plans this Christmas and leave it at that.

It's natural he feels an affinity with his now only surviving family - your DD. He's grieving as well. It's a very sad situation and you can't be certain that DH wasn't his dad really. Down the line Is there anyone else in the family you could tell- somebody who cares about him? They might be better placed to break the news.

Exactly. Totally agree. Absolutely horrific timing and information to come out after they are dead.

People banging on about mentally unstable- but OP has been clear this is a her issue and he is obnoxious not a sociopath!

Ffs. OP I'm sorry about your DH but this is a you problem not your DSS.

I think I'd be inclined to say that in view of having lost your DH you don't feel up to hosting anyone this Christmas. If he then contacts you again in the New Year, I would tell him that he's made it clear that he's never really liked you, and while you feel for him, having lost both parents, you think it's better if you don't to remain in contact, as in view of his past behaviour (assuming that it's been that bad) you have no wish to encourage a relationship between him and your DD.

You can't tell him now. Not now he's just lost his dad. Personally I'd say you're not up for hosting this year as grieving and you might go away for a bit. Or something like that

It’s okay to say no. My dad had a son with his first wife (mentally unstable, died quite young) who is 16 years older than me. He is my actual biological half brother. He’s a bit of a arsehole though and caused no end of drama when my dad died (I was 18 so bit older than your dd).

I literally have no seen him since our last solicitor appointment dealing with dad’s estate. Walked out of there and I was like piss off. And that was 25 years ago now.

He is my actual (half) brother, but you don’t get to choose your family. You can say, sorry, not for me, thanks. I don’t think you need to be unkind and blow up his life, but just say, you aren’t invited to Christmas and give him a hard fade. I think in time writing him a letter perhaps about his background and giving him the chance to see out his family is a kind thing to do, but it may be something to do in stages.

This is awful you've been left in this situation but the harsh reality is that it needs clearing up quickly. Even if you liked the bloke (who has been dealt a bad hand in this) he needs to have the full facts at hand. Definitely get your DD up to speed as well, she has a right to know this 30 y/o man who thinks he's related isn't blood. I know that sounds a bit like a magazine headline but whilst the truth is awful it needs to come out.

I think the ancestry DNA could be a good way. Tell your daughter first though. Give them both the kit as a present. You could present it to him as a way of him maybe tracking down some cousins or long lost relations . Tell him he could have more family he’s unaware of. You do need to support them both through this though and be prepared that he could actually be your late husbands son. Try not to let your dislike of him as a person cloud your judgement. Even just purely for the fact your husband loved him, how would he want you to handle this ?

This is a really difficult situation for you to be left in, on top of dealing with your grief and your daughters. I do think it seems very cruel to tell him the truth now, when he has just lost his dad, especially when it's been kept a secret for this long. Are there any other existing family members who you could discuss this with? It's a lot for you to shoulder on your own and I'd want to discuss with someone close if at all possible. I'm guessing he wants to spend Xmas with you and Dd as he sees you as his only remaining family so his feelings are maybe different than yours. Very difficult to navigate.

Did you DH talk often about not being the bio dad? Or was it a one off convo early in the relationship? Did he pay maintenance?

Is your DH the only person to ever tell you this info? No one else to verify?

The reason I ask is because (and this sounds strange) your DH could've lied to you, be the dad and never been told he's not the dad. Or he could've been told once he'd not in a bad argument with the ex and clung onto it for some reason.

I say this because my friends partner told her that his DD wasn't really his but raised her as his own and that no one else knew. My friend thought he was great and amazing to take on a child not related but still pay CMS and have EOW etc purely from love and duty.
He came across as a noble man of honour.
Many years later she had an argument with his ex and my friend said 'i can't believe the complaints you make when DP doesnt even have to do any of this. Despite your behaviour he's acted like a dad to that girl for over a decade' or something along those lines. Anyways the ex was like 'wtf you on about?! He's DDs dad?'
Turns out he was the bio dad and her DP made up that lie early on in the relationship after a few drinks. He said he doesn't know why he said it but after he did he couldn't really take it back the next day. So he basically had to continue it forever. He never mentioned it to friend again after that night and swore her to secrecy at the time and to not speak of it. But really it was because it was a lie.

A bizarre lie told in the first few weeks of dating. To what end who knows? Make himself look good? Or like he had no ties/baggage as friend had no kids? Fuck knows. But he said it and tried to gloss over it for the next decade. Meanwhile friend thought she was harbouring some huge secret. So I could see similar happening to her if he had died but actually the reserve being true.

People make up strange things sometimes. Not saying that's happened but i wouldn't be 110% sure he's not the dad. Id Def want a DNA test if you decide to tell him his dad's confession for all parties.