Please talk me down I am going to lose my shit

@Merryoldgoat that's so great to hear. I just can't see it happening for DD, she's in year 10, an EHCP could take till the end of the year, she's very against changing school but I think she just needs time. Which living in Kent and with them being notorious for refusing, she just might get..

@ImRonBurgandy it's worth a try. I get all information my snooping her tiktok, or up until a year ago, checking her phone. That's when I found out yesterday that her trans friends at school had been excluding her (she's thought she was trans or non binary for about 3 years) when she realised that she's lesbian and had thrown herself into being who she wanted to be, growing her hair, wearing feminine clothes. They've dropped her and have made it really difficult for her to be at school as I think they gave her a bit of an armour against all the stuff she finds difficult. She'd posted about it on tiktok...I think today is partly a reaction to that as I told her I knew.

She sometimes communicates by WhatsApp but not much. She'll just ignore it if it's too much to handle. She is situational mute too so it's really bloody hard work. I know teens are but this is another level.

@mathanxiety thank you, yes I know, I keep an eye on it. I am drinking a bit too much but I don't think it's out of control or anything.

If it's not in the house it's not an issue and I mostly do weeknights with no drink at all, if I'm getting into my work tasks I actually quite enjoy that, plus I'll have a bath, or do some drawing or something. It just takes motivation, once I've started I really enjoy it. I'm going to join a thing called sketchbook circle this coming new year, you swap sketchbooks through the post with someone, it'll give me a deadline to be creative which weirdly I need. That'll help. Busy hands and all that.

That's a breakthrough I guess! I hadn't considered that, I'll think about that, could be part of the issue. It's like getting blood out of a stone with her though.

@Arran2024 thank you, it's so nice to hear about your DD. I can see progress for her sometimes, but days like this it's hard. It's nice to hear about adults who are doing well.

Unfortunately her diagnosis came too late to help her with school and she refuses all offers of help. I'd planned a few hours at an animal sanctuary today where they have volunteers to maybe help her make some new friends, but she just couldn't. I plan things all the time and she just refuses, it's so hard, I just have to let her choose her own path. Sometimes she chooses things she knows will help, like today having a bath was a really good choice, but sometimes it's restricted eating and SH.

I definitely think I could have ADHD and be autistic, I struggle with people, although I love social things I can't cope for long without drinking and I get very tired, I struggle with noise, planning, routine...I think being in school helps as the day is planned for me, I find the holiday hard. I procrastinate a lot and find starting task hard, I take on information really well though and I've got an excellent memory,...I've started noticing it all post menopause. I struggled with school too but I moved around a lot for thought it was that. Also since DD was diagnosed with hyper mobility I've realised a lot of the pain and fatigue I have is probably due to that. Struggling mostly with skin picking at the moment, because I'm exhausted and anxious.

I probably would get a diagnosis if I tried but I can't face it at the moment, I'm still waiting on DS to be assessed (although 99% sure he is, been waiting 3 years and they've said wait another 2.5...)

It's just endless. Paperwork, form filling, meetings. Just trying to get DD help is full time at the moment.

Thank you all again. I agree, it boils my piss when people (an ex teacher @ZippyDenimBear , thank fuck! I know you're trying to help but it's teachers like you with limited understanding of what SEN is that make my children's lives more difficult, I'm sorry but it is) but when people don't understand that it's not a line. Some days DD can manage to tidy her room, bring plates down, eat with us, eat out, enjoy a meal with people, heck, even order her own food, but done days she can't even speak she's so overwhelmed and exhausted.

It's not a line, she has a profile, I still really don't understand most of it, but communication, social situations, self care, reacting to demands, it's all difficult, but she fits in, she does her best, so I have to let her do nothing sometimes.

But just because I know that, doesn't make it any easier. We've had rough patches before and she takes it out on me. Currently she's going through being socially excluded at school by the only friends who could help her navigate the school day and it makes my heart break to see her like this, I've been on high alert for weeks and I think it's catching up with me.

If I were to make her bring her plates down, it would go one of two ways: she would either flat refused, or if I pushed it, she would hurt me. Physically. Wouldn't matter how tired she was, how much pain she was in, she would find the strength and the anger to hit, bite, kick and scratch me. Or she'd go into meltdown, breaking things, screaming, hyperventilating, sobbing and eventually crashing into a heap for several hours, not able to move.

That's the reality of a 14 year old who masks her autism, is highly intelligent, creative, kind, funny, clever, a lovely sibling to her 9 year old brother, but who cannot cope with a single demand when she's having a bad day.

Her brother is starting to do the same, can be non verbal, lays on the floor, goes rigid and cries and smashes things (mostly lego at least) when things are going exactly as he needs them to. At school he's clever, funny, a good friend, he's intelligent, knows all the facts about animals you could ever want to hear (or not!), but he hides it all for everyone but me.

Consequences don't work, star charts and rewards don't work. Trust me I've tried everything.

So yeah, I do everything. It's shit.

I don't have it as hard as some, I can't imagine having a child who is mostly non verbal, it must be so hard...but they are overlooked because most people they meet think well they're fine, they make eye contact and can read and write.

I wish it were that simple. I'm just on high alert all the time, I'm hyper vigilant for every stressor, every situation that might cause them pain. I do make them so things they don't want to do, I try to let them experience disappointment, and the word no, but it can only be done sometimes.

I'm feeling calmer now, the most urgent thing was clearing up the mountain of Lego I kept stepping on and tripping over, I've done that and I've emptied the dishwasher. DS managed to make something we lose in Lego he was happy with and is now watching shite on YouTube, DD has surfaced for a bath and is getting stuff ready for her dad's, where she will probably be a model child 🤷

I've cried a bit, I just worry about tomorrow, the future, all of it. I'll be expecting a phone call all weekend that they're not coping with the new environment at their dad's girlfriends house and that she's bringing them back, but hopefully that won't happen.

I'll go into DDs room tomorrow when she's not there and stop it being the site zero for the new strain of COVID tomorrow briefly, all I can do.

That'll do for now. Just have to actually get some school work done when they finally go to sleep at some point tonight (usually around 11pm, with about eleventy billion requests for less itchy sheets/socks/pjs, a specific part of a story on repeat, a noise from a plug thats being weird, or a random owl outside to stop, a drink, more food, etc..) and then I'll drink too much wine and be up at the arse crack of never with a hangover because apparently the little fuckers don't need any sleep to do it all again.

But thank you for the solidarity, it helps.