Feels like I'm losing the kids

I left for these reasons. I have a great relationship with DS (who still
worships his dad). One day, he’ll know the full story of why I left (if he wants to).

You will damage your children FAR more by letting them grow up watching their father verbally abuse their mother than you will by leaving him. You cannot let them grow up thinking it’s normal or acceptable for a man to speak to his partner in such a disgusting, aggressive, and disrespectful way.

That's why you get out asap sooner rather than later. And take your kids with you. Refuge can help you with all the things your worried about

Get out as soon as you can. I used to babysit for a family with this dynamic - the two little boys mirrored dad’s behaviour towards mum 😢😢. She divorced him obviously but not sure she was quick enough.

@HandOld
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Please look at this op.

Op please go to the local council or contact womans aid and get you ( and) the children into safe temporary accommodation or refuge. You don't need to stay to sort stuff you can do that from else where.

What he's doing is parental allination. This is a form of abuse not just to you but your children as well. Do not leave them with him.

Children are not silly they are most likely sitting with their father to have sweets /hugs etc because they know they are meant to. They do similar as you do. To keep the peace.

presumably that's exactly what she's (or has been) living with, apologies if missed something...

This. Adults need to sort themselves out, and not involve the kids in all the drama.

https://lundybancroft.com/kids-who-side-with-the-abuser-part-1/

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/352996008_Why_some_children_want_to_stay_with_their_abusive_parents

But that does not mean op should not leave
She should . to show them what a good parent is. And lessen the damage.
And much better to leave and provide a safe calm home even if a court orders contact with the other parent.

Research shows children bond with abusive parents in dysfunctional way

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3574772/

I'd read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?". There's a free pdf here.

It's not just about physical abuse, it's all types and discusses how children are used, how to get out safely etc. I think you might find it really helpful and validating.

You have highly intelligent children who are currently in survival mode in my opinion.

Many kidnapped victims also positioned themselves as the person who adored their perpetrators.

What if your children are just trying to side with your H to reduce the fall out onto them?

You are their safe parent and can take this domestic abuse but their survival is based on sucking up to the abuser.

You can leave (you drive, you have work). They rely on the abuser to live.

Hugs op. Your kids are young enough to leave and show them a normal and healthy upbringing. He's an awful bully and you need to get them away. Being with him 50% of the time is better than 100.

Ypur post has made me feel so sad OP. I hope you find the strength to leave this awful bully.

Your children do love you, they love him too but he probably scares them, in a way they can’t articulate as they are so little. My mother was a horrible, aggressive shouty monster when I was growing up and looking back, I’d be extra cuddly towards her when she’d been at her worst as a sort of survival tactic- she wouldn’t lose her shit and scream at me if I was “good”.

I understand that fear that you have, I felt the same with my toxic abusive ex regarding our children at times, but you need to get out of this relationship and take your children with you. Their father is toxic and it sounds like he’s weaponising them and the love you have for them, against you. Realistically, there’s a very good chance that in the future he does to one or both of them what he’s doing to you right now. That’s how these types of people are.

Get advice from Women’s Aid. Plan your departure. Leave when he isn’t there. Take them with you. He can apply to the court for contact. Do not communicate with him except to give him one email account for all messages. Only respond to messages about the children. Discuss nothing else with him. Do this for your boys. xx

I don’t agree with that, many people hate their parents.

OP, I am so sorry you are married to a bully. I can tell you are a strong woman and you will get through this. It’s definitely time to leave this looser but in the meantime please assert yourself and don’t let him talk down to you. Stand your ground and show your children how to behave with bullies.

good luck on Monday with your appointment, you will look back in a couple of years and feel proud that you managed to escape.

He is their dad. Dc will always love him .
Accept that.
Dc love parents regardless. They too young to understand.
It does not mean you losing them
But plan to leave.

Sorry correct insta is @anniestoykov

I just want to hop in and validate your feelings. Parental alienation is a real thing, seen it in my own family, and mums often come out worse, since the dads can be very much Disney dads and often have more money, or generally feel more stable (less emotional).

You should check out @anniestoykrov on Instagram who talks about this a lot. She also has 2 boys and is out the other side having left and divorced. She has a subscription only Substack blog which I think you'd really benefit from reading.

So sorry you are going through this. It is very scary to feel you could absolutely lose your kids in this way.