Feels like I'm losing the kids

What ever the financial cost it will be worth it.

If the rages get too much you can always get the police involved

If he has shown he cannot control his temper might you be able to go for supervised visitation at a contact centre

Remember that any parental alienation needs to be reported.

I stayed, mine where young , omg I wish I’d got out sooner
please get them out of this .
stand strong with the kids , being away from your H will help them
its not love they are trauma bonded to him , that’s what kids do
it gets worse as they get older trust your gut
they will come back to you when you are out of the toxic environment

100% this.

They are cuddling him to save their own skin.

They know if they don’t then they face the same abuse

It isn’t love it’s survival

I think file for divorce and go for parental alienation

he's saying 'fucking hell what's wrong with you' etc

Have you ever turned around and replied

”What’s wrong with me. I am married to a man who thinks his salary shouldn’t be spent on bills, or putting a roof over his dc’s heads or food on the table and is making out he is the big man of the house and trying so hard to get his dc to love him when he doesn’t love them and only makes a show of loving them to wind their mother up”

Op can do all that from a refuge or similar then she cam return to the house. If that's right for het abd she's going to be safe etc. If she tells him to leave and he says no . She will then feel powerless

OP ask him to leave. If everything is in your name, ask him to move out. Tell him your relationship is over and he will need to find somewhere to live while you go through the process of separation and eventual divorce.

You do not need to use a solicitor for the divorce itself, only for drafting financial arrangements really, and if there are any court proceedings it’s better to use one.

The divorce itself is a few clicks on gov.uk and paying a fee.

You cannot force him to leave the property but if he becomes abusive towards you the police can remove him.

You are dying inside trying to keep a happy home and you will be better out of it and however it turns out, your kids will be better with you out of it too.

You mentioned debt. Has he coerced you into taking out loans etc? Has he fraudulently taken out credit in your name?
Get some help from the CAB.
See what benefits you get if you leave.

Do you have anywhere you can go and stay with the kids? The sooner you do it the better. Don't worry about them preferring him over you, kids are fickle and in a couple of years they won't even remember this time and hopefully they will see him for who he really is when they grow up.

I really hope you can find the strength to leave.

I can guarantee if you leave the boys with him he will start treating them the same way. I wouldn’t be surprised if he already is when you are at work, shouting and screaming at them. You need to take the boys and escape this abusive bully asap.

Speak to women's aid, speak to your health visitor, get some support, you need to leave.

This is so damaging to you, and even more damaging to your children.

This is domestic abuse. Living in a home where domestic abuse is happening, which is what your children are doing, is an adverse childhood experience. This is worsening their outcomes and will impact them into adulthood.

Their ability to form and maintain positive relationships will be impacted.

Currently your children are facing emotional harm.

You have to leave for your boys.

He doesn’t own you
he doesn’t have the right to try to bully you for making the changes that lead to freedom from his abuse
he doesn’t own the kids either
As young adults they will not necessarily look up to a parent that isn’t big enough to admit his own failures and uses cruel bullying to get his way

you don’t try to tell him. You quietly seek advice on how to leave with kids safely. And if he starts you don’t react, you grey rock him And quietly do what you need to do.

get advice about how to safely leave from Women’s Aid or from solicitor
Are you considering contacting women’s aid or another organisation for support? Don’t do it alone. Seek support

Show solicitor this thread to explain the extent of his controlling behaviour, how he is bullying you in front of the children in his efforts to shut you up from standing up for yourself
It’s in his interests that he keeps you there to support his lifestyle and keeps you paying his debts.

So
He is going to rage and do what?
Be safe eg lock doors
Call 999 get him arrested

His rage his problem
Not for you to manage just get away and be safe

I'm in a similar but not quite so bad situation and i share your fears (there are other reasons I can't leave)
My DS is now 10, DD 13 and they would feel dreadful for their dad if we split even if they are closer to me, they would worry about him and DS would choose to live with him I am sure.
It gets much harder to leave is what I'm trying to say.

Do not say anything to him.
Just play the game and go along with what he wants until you’ve sorted yourself out.

Make sure you try and get physical evidence of his behaviour.
You could even record his outbursts and then email them to yourself before deleting.

What are the dynamics, do you both work?

You say he’s good with the kids and so you have to do what’s best for them.
If you think they’d be better off staying with him then you can still have access, especially if you have physical evidence of you having no choice but to leave.

Once you have got yourself sorted with somewhere to stay etc then get someone to watch the kids and then talk to him.

Play to his ego and tell him that as this was your decision you don’t want him having to take time off work to look after the kids etc and so you can take them with you and he can have them on weekends.

He may like this idea, or he may not and you may have to go to court but if you have evidence and your own money then you will definitely have court ordered access to them.

He is probably nice to them so he can use them in his abuse against you. Leave and take your children with you, he is not a good dad, he will cause them emotional harm and they deserve better. They are too young to have a say in where they live, decisions need to be made for them in their best interests. If you carry on in this relationship its likely he will grind you down leaving you with serious mental health problems. When it gets to that point he will have the ammunition to take the children from you and they won't have anyone putting them first.

Maybe it’s best to plan to leave without telling him so you don’t have to deal with him escalating his behaviour ? Don’t bother trying to inform him when he is all about undermining you This may protect you and the children from dealing with more of the same with him escalating his behaviour.