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Original poster

To just not wish to reply when cancelled on?

245 replies

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 01/11/2024 00:23

A friend of mine from a previous job (almost 20 years ago) has cancelled on me a number of times this past year. She always has a family drama and cancels. It's always oh my DM needs me to call over, oh my DB needs this, etc. I have always sent a sympathic message but I don't feel a priority to this person anymore.

I knew she would cancel our lunch tomorrow and I was correct. I received another family emergency text. I don't mean to sound unreasonable but I don't want to reply again. I think surely you could fit a friend in for an hour to have tea..... I don't wish to sound selfish but I can't be arsed to chase her/sympathise anymore

OP posts:
yukikata · 01/11/2024 09:03

It's not unreasonable that you feel that way, but personally I would just tell her how I feel instead of being passive aggressive. You're a grown up.

SunnyHappyPeople · 01/11/2024 09:02

I had a friend organise a meal and a few people confirmed. On the day, she said lets just go for coffee and then asked who was coming because she's obviously forgotten. When I confirmed, she said lets cancel today and rearrange for next week, to see if more people can come. She sent a message on the group and all the people that were meant to meet confirmed they could come the week after, except me. I found it so rude that I didn't even respond. Our friendship has certainly changed. She decided the people that were attending weren't obviously good enough for her.

Oh and she went for a coffee alone anyway. Just unbelievable.

MadamAlf · 01/11/2024 09:02

I would reply but I wouldn't suggest a new date.
It isn't impossible that these things which are happening in her life just happen to occur when she has arranged to meet you. I've had a similar situation where toothache, then a dental appointment, then a late minute holiday, then a funeral, then a cold, all fell on the same day of the week for seven consecutive weeks when I was supposed to be at a club.

MissHalloween · 01/11/2024 09:02

I’d send a mini thumbs up, an OK or nothing.

VimFuego101 · 01/11/2024 08:56

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 01/11/2024 08:38

Next time send a message a couple of days before via WhatsApp with a poll entitled ‘I am cancelling this time because’

And use her top 5 reasons for cancellation.

She won’t even need to think of an excuse then and can just tick a box.

Brilliant!

5128gap · 01/11/2024 08:54

I'd go with a simple 'ok' so she knows you've seen the message and observed the minimum courtesy of acknowledgement.

BunnyLake · 01/11/2024 08:51

If it’s on WhatsApp I’d probably just press that button which pops a little thumbs up sticker on their message. It acknowledges it without you having to make a direct response.

Suzuki70 · 01/11/2024 08:50

The frustrating thing is that these people are nearly always the ones doing the arranging in the first place.

1983Louise · 01/11/2024 08:47

I think friends ebb and flow, most people have things going on in their lives, I could write a book about it at the moment. I'd reply with sorry you've a lot going on, let's meet up in the new year once things have hopefully calmed down. If you want to give her one more chance, book another date, if you don't, then don't bother.

commonsense61 · 01/11/2024 08:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

guccibag · 01/11/2024 08:40

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 01/11/2024 08:38

Next time send a message a couple of days before via WhatsApp with a poll entitled ‘I am cancelling this time because’

And use her top 5 reasons for cancellation.

She won’t even need to think of an excuse then and can just tick a box.

😂

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 01/11/2024 08:38

Next time send a message a couple of days before via WhatsApp with a poll entitled ‘I am cancelling this time because’

And use her top 5 reasons for cancellation.

She won’t even need to think of an excuse then and can just tick a box.

NoTouch · 01/11/2024 08:35

Reply to say - I'd love to see you but until you family circumstances improve, making plans in advance isn't working for either of us. If you are free at any point try texting me in the morning and if I am free too we can do a spontaneous meet up, hope you dm/db is ok and we can catch up sometime soon.

Mnetcurious · 01/11/2024 08:33

Just don’t reply at all.
If she’s socialising with others but always cancelling on you then you’re not a priority for her.

Don’t arrange any further dates, you’ll continue the cycle of feeling bad about yourself when she inevitably cancels. Let her be the one to make the going - if she wants to see you and follows up with another date suggestion even after your non-reply, then maybe respond with something like “let’s hope we can actually make it happen this time 😅” . Then in your head let it be her last chance - if she cancels next time, that’s it and you won’t bother anymore.

GoldenLegend · 01/11/2024 08:31

I had a friend cancel on me the other week and say ‘I’ll let you know’ because her mum is unwell. She lives two minutes’ walk from her mum.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/11/2024 08:31

BlackOrangeFrog · 01/11/2024 07:46

I'm an arsehole and pretend not to have seen the message as you can read it without having the ticks gone blue etc.

So wait until after we were due to meet and then reply going "oh no, I'm here now! Only just saw this... "

That's great actually.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/11/2024 08:30

What's the real reason she's cancelling?
Is she depressed or extremely shy?
I don't understand cancellers otherwise...

ChristmasCwtch · 01/11/2024 08:28

I think the term “she’s just not that into you” applies to friendships as well as romantic relationships. Other things/people take priority for her.

Pull back, don’t be available, focus on other friends, leave this one in the past.

Take yourself out for lunch tomorrow, potter about the shops, buy yourself a treat, go to the cinema on your own. Hope you still have a nice day 🌷

GiftWrappedSuburbanDreams · 01/11/2024 08:24

When is the last time she arranged something with you?

If it's always you making the effort, it does sound like it might be time to move on from the friendship. I'd just reply with something like 'No worries, take care.'

SurelySmartie · 01/11/2024 08:18

I would just reply: Ah sorry can’t make that. Speak soon.

LlynTegid · 01/11/2024 08:12

Friendships end, this seems it should be one of them.

BabyCloud · 01/11/2024 08:12

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 01/11/2024 00:42

I always send follow up texts, how is DM now, how is DB etc in the following days and weeks.

I knew when putting this in my diary that it would be cancelled so it feels pretty shit to be right. The message does acknowledge that it keeps happening and offers an alternative day but I assume that will also be cancelled (and I'm genuinely not free that day)

Since she has acknowledged it I would reply that you think it’s best to leave it and not make any further plans while she has so much going on.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/11/2024 08:11

Yea, the thumbs up is now used too often as an actual thumbs up so it’s confusing now. Used to just be purely passive aggressive IME!

Yes! I was using it in all sincerity to mean "Yes, great, totally agree!" until Mumsnet informed me I was accidentally being obnoxious.

guccibag · 01/11/2024 08:11

Whilst you are wasting time on this shit friendship, you could be making other great friends

Exactly this! you are wasting precious time on this person who clearly isnt invested in keeping in touch and doesnt care when that time could be spent on others who really do and will care

User364837 · 01/11/2024 08:09

I think a thumbs up emoji is handy for this sort of thing!

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