Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not wish to reply when cancelled on?

245 replies

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 01/11/2024 00:23

A friend of mine from a previous job (almost 20 years ago) has cancelled on me a number of times this past year. She always has a family drama and cancels. It's always oh my DM needs me to call over, oh my DB needs this, etc. I have always sent a sympathic message but I don't feel a priority to this person anymore.

I knew she would cancel our lunch tomorrow and I was correct. I received another family emergency text. I don't mean to sound unreasonable but I don't want to reply again. I think surely you could fit a friend in for an hour to have tea..... I don't wish to sound selfish but I can't be arsed to chase her/sympathise anymore

OP posts:
ListToHunt · 01/11/2024 01:00

I've had this before - right down to the suggestion of a new date, which then gets cancelled too and the boring chain goes on.

A reply like this fixed it for me:

"Of course. Thanks for suggesting a new date - however you seem to have a lot on, so let's leave it for now and pick up again down the line, once things have calmed down."

TinkerTiger · 01/11/2024 00:57

Yes, just don't reply.

Original poster
ChimneySweepLiverpool · 01/11/2024 00:57

I think my insecurity has been playing up knowing she will cancel. I suspect she wouldn't cancel other friends like this

OP posts:
Couchpotato3 · 01/11/2024 00:53

I'd just reply OK and leave it there, so she knows you've had her message. Leave the ball in her court and don't make any further effort. You're right that you're no longer a priority in her life. Maybe the friendship has run it's course? Time to move on.

Hibiscussed · 01/11/2024 00:52

If she has time for them she has time for you. Plus she’s not unreliable consistently. Put her on a back burner.

Original poster
ChimneySweepLiverpool · 01/11/2024 00:48

Tomorrow's lunch was already a rearranged lunch from last month, which I think was rearranged from a time before 🥲

And I know she's very social, she's often out with friends

OP posts:
lovemyboyz247 · 01/11/2024 00:46

I understand how disappointing it must be for you.
Maybe just go back with ok. No problem. Unfortunately I'm not free on that day and leave it at that. Then as others have said try and distance yourself from her. You don't need to follow up on how her family are. Friendship is both ways and if it's always you making the effort then it's time to step away

Hibiscussed · 01/11/2024 00:46

She’s made you feel low in her priorities. Could you reply expressing surprise that anything had been planned and relief as you wouldn’t have been available anyway? Leave her to ponder and perhaps value you and your time more.

Cardinalita90 · 01/11/2024 00:45

If she's proposed another date in her message it's probably best not to use the thumbs up in case she reads that as you agreeing to the new date. I probably wouldn't reply either if I was you.

Original poster
ChimneySweepLiverpool · 01/11/2024 00:42

I always send follow up texts, how is DM now, how is DB etc in the following days and weeks.

I knew when putting this in my diary that it would be cancelled so it feels pretty shit to be right. The message does acknowledge that it keeps happening and offers an alternative day but I assume that will also be cancelled (and I'm genuinely not free that day)

OP posts:
goingdownfighting · 01/11/2024 00:41

Not much you can do about it but as PP says this time just avoid arranging another one. I'm sure it's disappointing but this friend obviously has a lot going on or is unable to commit for whatever reason so it's probably best left to be.

Unless you are able to do things more spontaneously with her.

kiana2015 · 01/11/2024 00:40

@ChimneySweepLiverpool unfortunately, people do lie about 'family emergencies' when they either forgot, have found better plans or simply can't be bothered.

MabelMora · 01/11/2024 00:39

I'd just reply, 'Okay.'
That's it.

coxesorangepippin · 01/11/2024 00:37

Yeah don't reply

doneandone · 01/11/2024 00:35

BrieHugger · 01/11/2024 00:26

Perfect scenario in which to just give a thumbs up

Agreed, this definitely calls for the passive aggressive thumbs up.
Let your friend make the arrangements next time, don't put yourself out for her.

Original poster
ChimneySweepLiverpool · 01/11/2024 00:33

I was worried I would seem heartless as sometimes it's sad excuses like DM being upset or DB being unwell. But it's happened the past four meet ups in a row now

I'm not always good with friends. I have a very small number of friends but I don't wish to feel disregarded

OP posts:
BrieHugger · 01/11/2024 00:26

Perfect scenario in which to just give a thumbs up

TurquoiseBear · 01/11/2024 00:26

I don’t think it’s selfish.
If it’s a common occurrence and you don’t want to reply, then don’t.
YDANBU

295bkq · 01/11/2024 00:25

I’d just reply sorry to hear that
and then not respond to any further invitations (certainly don’t make any invitations)
and phase her out

kiana2015 · 01/11/2024 00:25

I don't think it's unreasonable to not reply if that's what you want, if it was me I would just a message explaining how I feel and let them know I'm not willing to set time aside for them anymore as it's a waste of time

Swipe left for the next trending thread