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AIBU?

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Original poster

Habit of talking to random women on social media?

32 replies

LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 22:12

My partner does this but not in a sexy, come on way.

He's on a few different platforms and he gets friendly with random women (and some men occasionally) about hobbies and things quite often.

Like today a woman posted a Halloween video with a dog on Twitter and he replied how cute it was. She replied again and he sent back a big paragraph.

Meanwhile, I got 2 sentences out of him today online.

I mean.... we're in our 30s so we're not kids. AIBU to find this behaviour odd? He's made it clear he doesn't cheat in relationships but it makes me feel like he's looking for something extra sometimes

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TriangleLight · 03/11/2024 23:06

I chat with random people on my Twitter, men and women. It’s not unusual

NoisyDenimShaker · 03/11/2024 23:02

LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 23:42

Its possible. He always says he an introvert but he's very sociable so I'm doubtful of that.

His work has meant not getting out much lately so probably something in that.

Show quote history

There's such a thing as an extroverted introvert, just fyi. I'm one of those - quite outgoing when I'm around people who are like me and who get me, and it's either one on one or a small group, but don't like large groups and gatherings. Maybe he's like that. I'm quite isolated and I also talk to random people online.

Volumedelachanel · 01/11/2024 03:36

LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 23:43

I think part of my issue with the messages I saw today was the volume and excitement/energy in them.

It reminded me how he was with me when we first met. I know things can stay that way forever necessarily, but I'm not off looking for that new feeling anywhere.

he should be investing that energy and enthusiasm into his relationship with YOU. I would be having a very clear conversation about boundaries.

Sugarysugar · 01/11/2024 03:27

You sat he wouldn't cheat.
I feel there are different levels of cheating.
Obviously there is the physical affair and the emotional affair.
But on a different level your partner is " window shopping ". He is looking at all the nice attractive women out there and looking them up and down and complimenting them. Perhaps that is as far it goes, although how far it goes in his head and imagination only he knows. But that is a form of cheating because it's attention he should be giving to you.

Blossomingx · 31/10/2024 23:51

Whilst I hear that he is focused on you in other ways, I also hear that you are not comfortable with it.
I would try and raise this with him in an appropriate way at the appropriate time so he doesn't get defensive. It isn't fair on you to be left feeling uncertain and jealous by him reaching out to other women in such a way. Some men do enjoy female attention but when you're with someone why the need?
Take care of yourself x

HonestPayforHonestWork · 31/10/2024 23:45

He’s definitely getting a kick from it. The only women he interacts with are attractive? That’s all you need to know about his motivations.

Original poster
LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 23:43

I think part of my issue with the messages I saw today was the volume and excitement/energy in them.

It reminded me how he was with me when we first met. I know things can stay that way forever necessarily, but I'm not off looking for that new feeling anywhere.

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Original poster
LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 23:42

NoisyDenimShaker · 31/10/2024 23:26

Maybe he's just an extrovert and doesn't get out enough.

The curly hair thing I understand. I have wild curly hair and those without it don't understand what a challenge it is. He might have been talking to that woman about their hair because it's not really a conversation most would have with a man.

Its possible. He always says he an introvert but he's very sociable so I'm doubtful of that.

His work has meant not getting out much lately so probably something in that.

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lilacpeach · 31/10/2024 23:27

@LilacWriter hate to say it, but I thought for a long, long time that my ex was not the cheating kind, until he was.

To me, these little interactions show him to be attention seeking and insecure in himself. If he wants to pass time by chatting to people online about specific interests/hobbies, or even anonymous chat like Mumsnet or Reddit that's one thing, but the striking up random chit chats with attractive women is just unnecessary. You're allowed to feel weird about it, because it's not an outlet/ego stroke that most happy and fulfilled people need.

My current partner has a number of female friends he chats to regularly, and old colleagues that are women who that he meets for coffee/dinner from time to time - this doesn't bother me at all, they are all lovely. I like that he has normal platonic friendships with the opposite sex just like I do. But neither of us feel the need to interact with hot randoms online - there's just no need!

NoisyDenimShaker · 31/10/2024 23:26

Maybe he's just an extrovert and doesn't get out enough.

The curly hair thing I understand. I have wild curly hair and those without it don't understand what a challenge it is. He might have been talking to that woman about their hair because it's not really a conversation most would have with a man.

TwoNinetyNine · 31/10/2024 23:19

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Original poster
LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 23:16

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No I haven't because then he'll know I've been creeping on his social media! But if I see something recent I can say it appeared in my feed and raise it that way.

He gets plenty of attention from me. Maybe for some it's never enough. Or he just thinks nothing of it.

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TwoNinetyNine · 31/10/2024 23:10

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Original poster
LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 23:08

@TwoNinetyNine hard to say.

For a start it's more visual. I'm yet to see him chat to an objectively bad looking woman.

Complimenting hair and appearance things are rare but still not nice for me to see. I suppose it does feel more personal too. I might be jealous though.

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TwoNinetyNine · 31/10/2024 22:58

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Original poster
LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 22:58

@lilacpeach 1.5 years.

My ex also did this and he was a cheat. I don't think my current guy is a cheat, but he clearly gets a little frisson or something from these connections.

He's friends with his ex of ten years and there was no cheating, and he said he hasn't before. I believe that but it bothers me.

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LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 31/10/2024 22:57

lilacpeach · 31/10/2024 22:28

I had an ex like this. He needed attention from lots women to feel good about himself. It's weirdo behaviour.

Same, my ex doesn't have 2 dogs or I would wonder if it's him

lilacpeach · 31/10/2024 22:53

How long have you been together @LilacWriter? I don't doubt that my ex loved me, he was great in many ways for good while - but his need for little ego pick me ups from other women was a serious flaw.

Original poster
LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 22:40

He threw me a birthday party last week and put in loads of effort, I know he loves me. But yeah - it's odd.

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whatatodoaboutnothing · 31/10/2024 22:39

How strange it’s only other woman he interacts with….

Original poster
LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 22:39

Sorry, I'm not saying I feel he isn't focused on me in person.

I think I am still his main focus but I don't know why he needs this too. I just scrolled through his replies and the one I actively didn't like was a month ago telling a woman she has nice hair.

He's got very impressive curly hair and hers is a similar texture so they were discussing it. Should be be telling random women on Twitter that she has nice hair?! I don't think they're going to meet up and shag but it's odd.

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lilacpeach · 31/10/2024 22:34

@LilacWriter I honestly didn't mind at first - it was in the earlier years of social media where it was more common to chat to randoms so i rationalised it that way. But over time it did become more inappropriate and I wish I'd seen it for the red flag that it was. If it feels off to you, it is!

Sugarysugar · 31/10/2024 22:33

I think it's worrying behaviour.

You are supposed to be his partner and you would expect him to interact with you and you to be his primary focus. Of course it's normal to have friends. But to spend most of his time interacting with other women would indicate he isn't particularly interested in you.

Perhaps he is on the look out for someone new. But even if he isn't I wouldn't be happy about him preferring random strangers to interacting with me.

Original poster
LilacWriter · 31/10/2024 22:30

@lilacpeach it's hard to put your finger on isn't it?

Because it isn't cheating. But it's still something that feels off.

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lilacpeach · 31/10/2024 22:28

I had an ex like this. He needed attention from lots women to feel good about himself. It's weirdo behaviour.