Is this all just friendly, or am I being paranoid?

@Theyuu4 I don't think your original name has been used. I agree with your decision, you don't need to know what's going on in his head to know that keeping things professional and boundaries very strong will benefit you and your career. I've had to do this before and it's just easier once things are very clear from your end- no need to take nice long lunches with him spilling out his problems, people will not say anything about the 'two' of you- on your part it may have just been a friendship and mentorship, it's better to keep it that way.

Thank you, everyone, for your comments. This situation was getting a bit too much for me, so I decided to withdraw from it and become more reserved with him. I think a bit more professional boundaries are needed here, and while I still respect him and appreciate his support, it’s for the best to make it much more professional.

I agree with this but honestly can’t help suspecting the sexual interest isn’t MORE on op’s side. No one obsesses like this over a platonic dynamic - and it isn’t him posting…

No, don't lean in to this. Your 'friend' has feelings for you. He is married and those feelings will be threatening his marriage. Just because he doesn't message you out of work, he's not switching off that level of interest, he's thinking of you when he should be present in his family. As people at work have noticed, he is also making a fool of himself, and by extension his 'poor wife' who has become the stereotype of the unsuspecting spouse who's husband sniffs round a younger woman. By leaning in you will be encouraging his foolishness and exacerbating the risk to his marriage. And while that's not your responsibility, I'm sure you'd rather not add to harm if you could help it.
Also from pure self interest, you are unlikely to come out unscathed. Its highly likely your 'friend' will escalate (he is already) and will either declare feelings, or worse make a physical move. This could put you at best in a very awkward situation (his career will not be the casualty) at worst at risk. You need to distance yourself and give no encouragement at all to the personal stuff. If he oversteps you need to telk him straight that it needs to stay professional. Good luck. When senior men do this, it takes some navigating.

There's nothing confusing here. If this was a straightforward case of two colleagues work well together and have a platonic personal connection you wouldn't feel the need to post about it. The fact you have made this post means you know full well there is more to this relationship than that.

I don't know if the unacknowledged sexual attraction is only on his side or if you reciprocate it but it's faux-naive to pretend that it doesn't exist.

Head in the sand springs to mind OP. Are you not embarrassed to be engaging so closely with this married man. He would never be on the phone to you for an hour unless you were engaging in the conversation. What's wrong with thanks for calling .... appropriate excuse....I'll speak to you later. He'd soon get the message.

It’s been like this for years…

Gosh, is this still going on? Just nip it in the bud already and distance yourself. It won't end well.

It feels all controlled, as we only see each other in the office occasionally; there are certainly no meetings after work or over the weekends. He is very supportive at work and will go out of his way to help me if I ask for his opinion. But he calls a lot now, and those calls are getting longer, although again centred around work issues; I noticed he says to contact me anytime/I know it’s hard/and I feel angry on your behalf/I can support you on it. I have other close friends at work, but none would call for an hour chat. It’s not that kind of place.

There is no interest on my end in an affair or anyone leaving anyone.

He's married,I wouldn't encourage him. If he leaves his wife that's a different story. If his intentions are to have an affair with you ask yourself if you want a man who cheats. The more you engage with him the more he is going to push the boundaries of what should be a working relationship. Does his wife know how 'close' you are? If your worried just back off but you have to want to do that. It takes two to tango.

You sound besotted op.

I am often surprised by some very and deeply personal stuff he tells me—the stuff you would share with your closest friend or wife. He calls often when we are WFH, and these calls are work-related but have a lot of personal sharing elements. It could be that he’s very comfortable with me.

Well, when you put it that way…it could be he’s just a caring person.

I am often surprised by some very and deeply personal stuff he tells me—the stuff you would share with your closest friend or wife. He calls often when we are WFH, and these calls are work-related but have a lot of personal sharing elements. It could be that he’s very comfortable with me.

I think he is doing a lot of creepy stuff: remembering what you said a year ago, coming to your desk to say he’s glad you look happy, chatting for ages, pulling you into his work when it’s not your work… honestly it sounds a little stalkerish.

definitely has a soft spot for you , enjoys your company and likes you /is attracted . But reigning himself in as he is married and possibly waiting for a cue from you (which you haven’t given) . Your intuition and nagging feeling is right . As long as you keep your boundaries are clear and he is a great colleague and support nothing wrong per se . If you feel at any point it’s getting too personal you can always take a step back .

If he tells you deeply personal things then he has questionable boundaries, and is being unfair to his wife. Whether he knows it or not he’s trying to get personal needs met by you.
i suspect that he talks about you a lot at home and that’s why he didn’t want you to meet his wife. Maybe because when she sees you she’ll be suspicious?
work colleagues aren’t your friends. Keep it professional and if he overshares tell him it’s not appropriate.

If he tells you deeply personal things then he has questionable boundaries, and is being unfair to his wife. Whether he knows it or not he’s trying to get personal needs met by you.
i suspect that he talks about you a lot at home and that’s why he didn’t want you to meet his wife. Maybe because when she sees you she’ll be suspicious?
work colleagues aren’t your friends. Keep it professional and if he overshares tell him it’s not appropriate.

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I had a very good friend/work colleague like that but he was gay and if he hadn't been I would have distanced myself quickly. I think there's more too it but if it's helping you and you don't let it cross the line I.e. more than work go with it. Just remb he's a married man.

To me it just sounds like a very good work friendship which has stood the test of time.

I have had a few such male friends, they have been very special friendships but never in an inappropriate way, and at times with married men who genuinely value and care deeply about their wives. I remember one colleague whose wife was very ill for while, he was desperately worried about her and needed someone to talk to as he clearly couldn't burden her with all his worries while she was ill. Our talks were deeply personal but I believe he felt supported enough to be a strength to his wife, and fortunately she pulled through. We remained friends for some years but they are very much a happily married couple.

I do wish that, as a society, we were better at having close friendships with others without it having some other "meaning" attached. Surely you have close, sharing friendships with your married female friends without it being a problem to their other relationships, why not with a male friend? You said yourself it has gone on for while, always only at work, never inappropriate and no texts outside of work. Sounds perfectly ordinary to me.

Enjoy a true friendship for what it is. If it ever started to become inappropriate, well, then you would start to say "I've appreciated your support over the years but I'd like to keep our friendship as it is". But I wouldn't shut a supportive friend down 'just in case' they might not be!

I have learned the hard way, if you feel confused, self-doubting, maybe paranoid - then something is up.

The fact another colleague has pointed out to you they've noticed this man's attentions is another clue something is up.

By the way, namechange fail.

I worked with a man more than twenty years ago who sounded so similar. He was married too. But we had a great work relationship and we just clicked. He was kind and supportive. I left the company but we stayed in touch. He divorced - very amicably. And we’re still great friends. Just friends. He’s just one of life’s really nice people. It’s rare - especially in corporate business!

I’m getting Love Actually vibes