To ask how people manage not to let others extract information and use it against them?

OP there is (or should be) a point in your life when you learn that, for the most part, you colleagues are not your friends. Sometimes proper friendships happen with colleagues but it time and trust.

Don't share personal issues with a workmate unless you are 100% that they are trustworthy. You are entirely free to take an evasive approach these people and to use white lies if necessary.

If it is your family, work on the understanding that when you share anything it will be around the family within 24. Here's an example, I have a cousin, lovely woman but we're not inclose contact. She three kids. I know lots of details of their lives. This is because her Dad and my Mum (siblings) speak every week and share everything.

If there is something you aren't comfortable with others knowing, don't share it, even you think you are doing it on an individulal basis, with anyone else.

If you feel like someone is bearing down on you wanting a deep conversation with you say you need the bathroom, or some air, or to talk to someone elsewhere in the room.

"Feels uncomfortable" reads to me like it may not be them as much as you - I'm not having a go, just wondering if it's less their words than your interpretation of them. Feeling uncomfortable doesn't itself mean something was being used against one.

This could be a clear cut case of a petty competitive colleague trying to diminish you to make themselves look more committed, but it sounds like there could have been jealousy on their part too.

NOT that I am in any way blaming you for what happened, as in an ideal world a friendly chat should simply be a friendly chat and you shouldn’t need to be careful!! 😄

It’s just that another lesson I’ve learned the hard way is not to share positive news or plans with people I don’t really know, in case it makes them jealous (for example, if you told your colleague you were looking forward to an upcoming holiday, they might have felt annoyed because they couldn’t afford to have a holiday). Some people (not all!!) are really bitter and will create exaggerated narratives about your life in their head based on very limited info… not knowing about the rest of your life or what problems you might be facing, they might assume you have an easy life or are full of yourself!

Of course, jealousy is all about the jealous person’s issues and not about you, but it can cause some people to want to sabotage you. So in my experience I try not to share details of either fortunate or traumatic experiences with people I don’t know well.

I think you can't avoid them doing it at least once - if they are that kind of shite person, but once they've done it once, you have their measure.

My ex SIL and BIL once seemed to be being very polite and enquired when my holiday finished, so I told them. It was just a way of finding out if I would be available to look after their kids for 4 days while they went on a jolly. I learned to be vague and cautious after that - oh I'm not sure, why do you ask. If they said there was no reason, then I just didn't answer. If they said oh I wondered if you could ... I would say I was doing something with my mum (and then quickly ring her to back me up if necessary - she always would, bless her heart.)

Keep yourself to yourself more. Give people no ammunition.

I can relate to this as I had undiagnosed ADHD all my life (I only found out I had it in August!) so I often made the mistake of over sharing at times, or telling people about personal stuff I’d been through too early on in a relationship/friendship before getting to know them well enough!!

In my defence though, I only shared personal stuff if the other person shared vulnerable information about themselves too, which gave my naive younger self the impression that they must trust me, so I could trust them too.. and on so many occasions I later regretted this!! 😄

Unfortunately I learned the hard way that many toxic people “fast forward” friendships or relationships to create a false sense of intimacy/security, so that they can take advantage of people.

Another lesson I learned the hard way was to beware of people who always gossip negatively to you about other people, because 9 times out of 10, they will gossip about you too!! ☠️

As a result of my bad experiences I have trust issues and am now too much the other way… I have a small circle of proven trustworthy people, but outside that, I just have very casual conversations in which I mostly make small talk about shared interests. I have a bubbly personality so lots of people want to get to know me better, but I feel so damn awkward giving vague answers to questions about myself because I don’t feel comfortable revealing things!! 😄

It’s something I’m still working on (finding a healthy balance), so I don’t have any great advice for you, but I hope it comforts you to know that you aren’t the only one struggling with this problem! 🌻🌻🌻

Part of it is being able to tell which people are wankers - like your coworker. It’s very difficult.

I have this problem with a neighbour, she saves up information to try to catch you out. I don't know what her problem is and I don't care, its nasty.

That's understandable in a work environment with competitive arseholes - how does it apply to friends and family? Are you really surrounded by people like this?

That sums it up, if you think this happens with everyone that is one great coincidence

Yeah urgh I have this at work. Innocuous questions which all add up. Now I have two people doing it who are old friends. Goodness knows why !

I am going to try to be vague and turn any questions back to them.

no didn’t do much at the weekend how about you ?
yes son doing ok at college how about yours ?
oh busy busy ! How is your day ?

Only divulge anything on a “need to know” basis.

If you feel the enquirer is being intrusive and prying just say “why do you ask?”

Be economical with details. Hold back if you are unsure. Practice, practice practice being discrete.

I just keep things bright and breezy. I have only a few friends but each of them are utter gems who I can be completely open with. I come from a pretty toxic family and am quite guarded and boundaried around those I don’t know well and even amongst those i am related to but just don’t trust (in-laws and sister). It’s not paranoid, just being discerning.

I've had this loads! It's frustrating. The answer is to be very vague with people - Not my strong point

Is it about the type of information you’re sharing?

At work, ‘how was your weekend’ should be answered with ‘nice thanks! We loved the latest Strictly!’. Not ‘I did a shed load of spice, screwed a 21yo and slept in a bin’. Whichever is true.

Equally, if someone asks you how you’re finding the job you say ‘busy but interesting’ not ‘I hate Sarah, Im job hunting, and it’s me who keeps blocking the toilet’.

What? How are there so many terrible people in your life? I haven't had people try to use personal information 'against me' since I was a young teenager in a terrible friend group.

This has literally never happened to me.

I don't really talk about my background and if someone asks questions I don't want to answer I change the subject.

I've never really experienced this. What sort of information?

In my personal life I would have nothing to do with anyone who behaved like that.
When I worked i would keep work conversations clear and factual.

What sort of info are you talking about? How is it used against you?

Can you give an example?

You sound a little paranoid?