MIL upset that we're not speaking to SIL

@GottaLoveABiscuit the problem with excluding SIL is that it is going to hurt your ILs and for that reason I'd include her

I'm not saying she is entirely in the right - she could make more of an effort socially probably but having worked in that field, doesn't mean she needs to provide more care.

And respectfully, it sounds like FIL gets a fair amount from social services already - more so than I knew any of my elder vulnerable relatives to have received.

And again, respectfully, we all have our limits in what we can feel we can do for others.

I also have an autistic child and my family immediately accepted this means I'm limited in what I can do for the others. Sometimes I'm so worn out, I don't make much social interaction at gatherings either.

Honestly, in some ways I could be this SIL. It's not lack of caring about people either.

Who get on perfectly fine?
You need to quote people when you're replying, OP.

I think how you feel is understandable OP, in terms of how she didn't show any care or concern for you or your DH.

I don't know how much you know about being a social worker, but it's incredibly demanding. SWs are usually harassed and overworked and have to do a lot of being nice to people who often aren't very nice to them. Social work, and indeed other helping/caring professions, can leave you with very little energy for your outside work life. I know when I was working FT in CAMHS and my dad fell ill, I couldn't provide anywhere near the level of support the family expected. Caring for an elderly or sick parent after caring for your clients all day is effectively doing a second shift. My family seemed to think I could just take time off at the drop of a hat - that's really not how it is when your job involves being there for vulnerable people. Yes, you can get carers leave, but that's usually unpaid, and it's there for emergencies to put arrangements in place, not necessarily to provide care yourself. I'm not sure what your expectations of her were, but if you were thinking she should pick up the slack simply because she lived closest, that's not always a fair ask.

I guess the other thing is, what's her relationship like with her father, as that will be a factor in how much an adult child may feel able to visit/do. There may be aspects of their relationship you don't know about.

If you simply don't like her and don't get on, then of course you don't have to have her at any functions you host or organise, but it would not be fair to ask MIL or other family members to exclude her from anything they are organising because you don't get on.

I can see the difficult position MIL is in here, and if you have a good relationship with her, it would be wise to ensure that you don't put her in a loyalty bind. Address any issues with SIL directly and allow MIL to remain as neutral as possible. You can't expect her to be happy that you are excluding her daughter, even if there are justifiable reasons.

Not sure what the timeline is. I mean if she's a selfish horrible person in general I wouldn't expect that to change anytime soon.

Maybe she isn't keen on her father's second wife?

Yes. However, maybe she senses their disapproval over her refusal to take on the burden of care.

I'd consider the care thing as something separate. The fact that she takes no interest in either of you is what would make me not want to bother.

Hang on. Is your FIL's wife her mother os stepmother?

Could there bad blood there as to why?

Anyway, probably sensible to not burn herself out with further care.

You obviously don't know much about Parkinson's as how is someone who sometimes can't walk or dress himself supposed to care for someone else?

Obviously he wouldn't be able to do any caring himself.

But he has no right to be annoyed that his sister has drawn boundaries for herself.
That is her choice, and she's entitled to make that decision.

Yes. Clearly, @Lovelylilylane has never had the relentless burden of elderly care placed on her shoulders, just because she's a relative, and because she's there, and because she's female.

@Lovelylilylane I am curious to why do you think this a joke post?

...........the irony of it is that she is a social worker who, until a couple of years ago, worked with the elderly

Which is precisely why she decided to step back and not become the default carer for her father.

She knew, from experience, how that pans out.

It isn't a joke post.

Middle-aged women frequently destroy their own health caring for elderly parents, often at a time when they still have children at school, and full-time jobs of their own.

@GottaLoveABiscuit it's a bit rich that your husband is furious that his sister didn't drop everything to become their father's carer, when your husband also didn't drop everything to become their father's carer.

I realise that your husband is disabled, and lives a long way away, but did the pair of you offer time and money to arrange private carers for your FIL?

I also see that FIL's wife and her DD did some caring.

Is it a tradition in your family that only women can be carers, or only women are even expected to be carers?

I’m assuming this is a joke post? Who on earth doesn’t look after their own flesh and blood? How ungrateful!

I agree, I've spent 30 years not liking my SIL..I'd say in my 20s I positively hated the woman...but I think we did just rub along together in our 30s onwards. It seemed a wasted energy to be "off" at weddings, parties, christmas, funerals etc. It was the only time I saw her and I'm an adult, I know how to pleasantly pass the time of day. We both knew we didn't like each other but we both knew how to play the game.

I adored my MIL I got on very well with her. As now a MIL myself, I realise how difficult it must have been for her. this is her own DD we're talking about. She never made me feel bad or wasn't gracious about it to me and really she could have been really quite off with me about it.

I think if you're asking MIL to pick (I didnt) but she's always going to pick and defend her own kids.

Elderly care is complicated and it's never as simple as not helping makes you a bad person. Not everyone is cut out to be a practical carer and social services were involved. With siblings I think you have to accept that just because you want to care for your parents it doesn't mean you can expect the same from siblings that might feel differently.

Hmmm.

I have a severe disability following an accident.

None of my in laws reached out to me at all following the accident - except that FIL says I shouldn't take painkillers because they were bad for me (for context it was a bad accident and as a result I can barely walk despite endless physio and use a wheelchair).

You say your DH was furious she didn't help with the parents. I do think that's pretty unreasonable. The standard advice to people with elderly parents is that they can drag you in and they'll rely on you rather than develop independence. So it's better to be at least a little detached.

Why didn't you and your DH help? I see you say you have fibro and osteoarthritis and he has Parkinson's but presumably you are therefore better aware of the system to get help and could have offered advice at the very least. I speak as someone with severe disabilities myself.

It does read a bit as if your DH is furious because he expected the women to step up while doing nothing himself. I hope that wasn't how it was.

I would not be cutting off a relative in these circumstances. I suspect your DH and to some extent you feel that caring is women's work and are pissed off she won't play.

Yes.

I'd love to hear the SIL's side on this one.