Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL upset that we're not speaking to SIL

60 replies

GottaLoveABiscuit · 31/10/2024 13:31

I'm probably a bit old to be still lurking around here as my son is now 23 but he is autistic and still lives at home. We all share many family issues so am looking for some advice. Apologies for the length but this is the abridged version!

My SIL has never been the best communicator and I have always said that she is the most self absorbed and ungrateful person I have ever met. Over the 40 years I've known her this has largely been ignored by everyone and if anything her parents still make excuses for her.

For context we live 200 miles away, I have fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis everywhere and my husband has Parkinson's disease. We do what we can and it's safe to say that we spend more time in FIL's house than she does.

Last year DFIL (85) became very ill for the second time in 6 months resulting in a lengthy hospital stay and the involvement of social services and carers. She only visited him once in hospital for a whole ten minutes and never offered any help at home. His wife, who has health issues of her own, managed everything with the help of her daughter who lives an hour away. DH was furious that she never offered any help at all - the irony of it is that she is a social worker who, until a couple of years ago, worked with the elderly.

Jump to February and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was fortunate in that it was the 'good' kind and it was dealt with by surgery and radiotherapy and due to the wonders of the NHS the cancer is gone. I now have one boob significantly smaller than the other and I'm on drugs for 5 years with crap side effects but obviously it could be worse!

My sister in law has never once asked me how I am or how we were managing. No phone calls or even text messages to either of us. My husband went to pieces when I received the diagnosis and that got worse until I had my surgery. That seriously affected his Parkinson's symptoms. It was a very trying time while we constantly waited for test results and I struggled to decide whether to have a lumpectomy or mastectomy.
On the whole we learnt that people are very kind and supportive, even people we hardly know.

Back in September we were at a family party and she didn't speak to us at all, never mind asking us how things are. My husband then decided that that was her last chance and he no longer feels we should make any effort with her or include her in any plans.

With Christmas approaching we have made arrangements for meals with the rest of my husband's family but not included SIL. We have already 'missed' her birthday which seems to have passed without comment. MIL (who spends a lot of time with her - holidays, Christmas etc) wants us to invite her and thinks we are being unreasonable.

We just feel that out lives are challenging enough without having to bother with someone who clearly doesn't give a flying @@c@ about us. Are we the ones in the wrong here?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Miaminmoo · 05/11/2024 23:58

I used to have a SIL similar to this, my MIL would constantly make excuses like ‘oh she doesn’t think’ ‘she’s just so busy’ - as if that makes it OK. So I stopped ‘thinking’ too. She just sounds selfish and you shouldn’t have to spend time with her if you don’t want to.

VitaminSubtle · 05/11/2024 20:29

TheShellBeach · 31/10/2024 14:25

You obviously don't know much about Parkinson's as how is someone who sometimes can't walk or dress himself supposed to care for someone else?

Obviously he wouldn't be able to do any caring himself.

But he has no right to be annoyed that his sister has drawn boundaries for herself.
That is her choice, and she's entitled to make that decision.

I think that’s perfectly fair.

JollyZebra · 05/11/2024 20:17

You and your DH are facing your own difficulties. From what you said you are providing emotional and some practical support at a distance of 200 miles. Your SIL has not met your expectations as regards her level of care and support - there is nothing to be gained by brooding over this, don't waste time or energy. She may have her own reasons for this and her relationship with her father may not be a good one.

Winterjoy · 05/11/2024 20:11

she just never gets in touch at all

When was the last time you got in touch with her for a catch-up, to check in on how she's doing etc?

pinkgirl2018 · 05/11/2024 19:34

Is the autism on your husband’s side? Is she autistic also? I just wondered

Lovelylilylane · 03/11/2024 21:16

TheShellBeach · 31/10/2024 14:22

Yes. Clearly, @Lovelylilylane has never had the relentless burden of elderly care placed on her shoulders, just because she's a relative, and because she's there, and because she's female.

Show quote history

Huh? I’m looking after my elderly and immobile mother. Why are you being so rude to a stranger? What is your problem? Grow up!

SallyForf · 31/10/2024 17:35

It's like reading Wolf Hall, all the she she she's. No one has a clue about which she is which.

Citrusandginger · 31/10/2024 16:37

GottaLoveABiscuit · 31/10/2024 14:42

In this case she has one adult child, a part time job and a retired husband. It is not the caring that is the problem it is the fact that she doesn't seem to care.

They get on perfectly fine and she was certainly happy enough to use her for childcare in the school holidays and have her clean and cook meals while she was there

I'm confused. Is MIL/StepMIL doing childcare for the adult child?

FictionalCharacter · 31/10/2024 15:47

My word, you’ve been through it 💐
Ignore MIL. No need to let what she thinks affect you.

And come on people, I knows this is AIBU and it’s customary to wilfully misunderstand what the OP said and go off ranting against her, but she absolutely did not say that the SIL should have become his carer.

NiftyKoala · 31/10/2024 15:36

She made her bed she can lie in it. You have way too much on your plate for her bs. Wishing youband your dh the best. My df had Parkinson's and stress definitely is awful for it.

TheShellBeach · 31/10/2024 15:16

Was your MIL the OW?

Terrribletwos · 31/10/2024 15:16

I mean the useful bit.

Terrribletwos · 31/10/2024 15:15

GottaLoveABiscuit · 31/10/2024 14:55

Its not about the physical caring as that is all dealt with - its about the fact that she doesn't actually care about them. There have been no family issues, no falling out, she just never gets in touch at all. It used to be very differnet when they were useful to her and there the list is absolutely endless...

Ah, would love to hear about that!

SpudleyLass · 31/10/2024 15:11

So to clear things up, MIL is bio mother of Dh and SIL

And SIL has never been invited to the Christmases you attend with in laws "because it evolved we don't get to spend Christmas with either of them".

Sounds like there is strife between FIL and MIL and SIL is as caught up in the middle as you all.are, only more so as she hasn't actively been invited to family events?!

Lavender14 · 31/10/2024 15:04

I understand your mil being upset... of course she wants all her children to get on and to be able to spend time with them all together.

I think ultimately this is your dh decision given that its predominantly his family issue and I'd be supporting him with whatever he feels is the best way to proceed with that.

CrazyGoatLady · 31/10/2024 15:04

GottaLoveABiscuit · 31/10/2024 14:55

Its not about the physical caring as that is all dealt with - its about the fact that she doesn't actually care about them. There have been no family issues, no falling out, she just never gets in touch at all. It used to be very differnet when they were useful to her and there the list is absolutely endless...

I'm going to bet on there being stuff in the relationship that hasn't been evident to you. Things aren't always what they seem.

Maybe while her children were younger she wanted them to have a relationship with him/his wife? But isn't particularly keen herself?

I mean it may be as you say that she's just totally uncaring, but in my experience people don't generally distance themselves or put in very strong boundaries with close relatives for no reason.

SpudleyLass · 31/10/2024 15:01

I'm confused.

How many Christmases has she not been invited to?

WoopsLiza · 31/10/2024 14:59

I think where you are getting a hard time, OP, is that it is basically controlling and unhealthy to believe you know best how another person should conduct their relationships. Have you even addressed this with her? It doesn't seem like it, yet you expect her to act differently and now she isn't you are trying to control how others in the family relate to her. It's actually none of your business. If you wanted more support in either FiLs care or your own difficult time then you should have at least asked her/ reached out yourselves. And now she isn't doing what ypu want her to do but refuse to articulate to her you are deciding to coopt the rest of the family into punishing her.

You may never agree with how she relates to her dad - that is for him to sort out. Ypu may be hurt about her lack of interest- what interest have you shown in her? Have you tried to reach out? She may just not be interested in explaining herself to you - that's her decision, you don't have tp understand or like it. But deciding that the rest of the family should choose between you and her for these things- sorry but you are the one in the wrong there.

Original poster
GottaLoveABiscuit · 31/10/2024 14:59

We arent putting anyone in difficult positions because they all do there own things at Christmas and she spends a week at my MILs house and doesn't even visit her Dad. We visit mid December and do our Christmas with the inlaws and she has never been invited to that because it evolved as we don't get to spend Christmas with either of them.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/10/2024 14:57

All right, I'm going to be that person.... is there any chance, given that it's in the family, that your SIL has autism? My DD is on the spectrum and it wouldn't occur to her to ask me constantly how I was. If someone TOLD her that she ought to ask after my health and she ought to care for her DF she'd probably do so, but she wouldn't think to constantly check up on me and she would HATE having to do personal care of any kind for someone.

I could be way off, but it just struck me, that's all.

SpudleyLass · 31/10/2024 14:57

I think before excluding her OP, I would try to have a conversation about how you and you DH feels.

Original poster
GottaLoveABiscuit · 31/10/2024 14:55

Its not about the physical caring as that is all dealt with - its about the fact that she doesn't actually care about them. There have been no family issues, no falling out, she just never gets in touch at all. It used to be very differnet when they were useful to her and there the list is absolutely endless...

OP posts:
NachoChip · 31/10/2024 14:51

Absolutely fair to go NC and deserved from what you've said, but Christmas belongs to everyone so if you're arranging family get togethers and including everyone but her, then you're putting other family members in a very difficult position. Get them to pass on the invite but feel free to ignore and avoid her yourselves

TheShellBeach · 31/10/2024 14:48

GottaLoveABiscuit · 31/10/2024 14:42

In this case she has one adult child, a part time job and a retired husband. It is not the caring that is the problem it is the fact that she doesn't seem to care.

By saying that, you're implying that she should therefore become her father's carer.

It's like you don't take into consideration the fact that she has boundaries, and has chosen not to be a carer.

CrazyGoatLady · 31/10/2024 14:47

GottaLoveABiscuit · 31/10/2024 14:21

We didn't expect SIL to become his carer at all but she has never even called to see how they are doing. The second time he was taken in to hospital it sounded so bad that we dropped everything and went straight there. We also helped out with social services and arranging shopping etc and I am in constant touch with his wife's daughter about what they need.

My husband is not in a position to be anyone's carer as how is someone who sometimes can't walk or dress himself supposed to care for someone else? Money is not an issue but when people are frightened and overwhelmed they need emotional support as much as the practical help.

We have always got on in the past and as I said this is the abridged version.

Edited

Not everyone is necessarily good at the emotional support side of things though. Despite my professional role, I would much rather do practical things to support family than emotionally support them, which obviously there's a context and a back story to. I have had to draw some fairly hard boundaries there. I'm not their therapist, and I can't help people who won't help themselves.

I would wager that there are some dynamics in the relationship she has with FIL and some history there that you're not fully aware of. Your relationship as a DIL is different, you've only had an adult relationship with him.