Passive aggressive family

@Straightuptoyourface I'm all for recommending therapy. I think you should pursue it. Because when you are dealing with some complicated family dynamics it can be very confusing and you can't even trust your own feelings properly.
It sounds like there are dysfunctional issues in your family. A therapist can help you make sense of this, can help you decide what's best for you and your family and go from there.

Forget the cards for now. Just focus 100% on getting support all for yourself outside of the family.

I was so desperate for a relationship for my child and their cousins, I tolerated all sorts. I now see and feel completely differently. For your own well being, I'd keep well away from FB and observing anything your sisters are doing here. It's akin to self harm and will really hurt you emotionally right now if they're lording it all over their pages.

Ah op - I really do get it and I empathise massively. It’s sometimes hard to express but you just know and sense the intent behind someone’s actions. The only advice I can give is… drop it, realign your expectations and drop the rope. Decide today you’re no longer going to try as hard, turn your gaze away from these people. Decide you’re going to lower your expectations and move your life in a different direction. It’s so freeing when you do. You cannot alter their behaviour. You can’t make them include you or treat you better. So stop trying.
The reason it’s so upsetting is because this is the way humans have made themselves feel better and elevate themselves for millennia, by excluding others. It’s an unpleasant side of human behaviour. We’re hardwired to care what people think of us and there are some that will exclude others to feel that power. The only way to take that power away is to drop that rope. Fuck em. Crack on with living your life with people that won’t do this to you.

if you aren't very close then does it matter if they are 'passive aggressive' at you if you say you are hurt?

If the worst they are going to do is be passive aggressive then is that really so scary? It's a pretty easy type of behaviour to ignore and to laugh at tbh.

I'd just stop sending them anything and just enjoy my life with the people who care about me and be civil when I had to interact with them.

They don't need to be important in your life, they really don't.

Is it a case that you generally feel left out by them op?

You mention not being close to them, am I right in assuming that they are closer to each other? Do you see each other often or message or call much between gifting occasions?

People have different attitudes to gifts, maybe they feel odd about exchanging gifts with someone that they don't feel that closeness with. It sounds like a lot has gone on and it might be a good idea to talk it through with a third party to process it.

I'm sorry, it sucks when family relationships aren't what you want them to be.

@Straightuptoyourface yes from what you've said i would be feeling a bit miffed too. The giving then not giving would feel, to me, very passive aggressive. Not sure what you can do other than have it out with them. It does sound callous tho.

There is no moral obligation to send gifts simply because you did so last year. People's circumstances change. Maybe they need to cut back on non-essential expenditure.

Why is this passive aggressive? There’s nothing passive aggressive I can see in this, they just didn’t send a birthday card.

No one has to; it isn’t a lifetime commitment. It’s lovely when people do but why assume it’s some heavily coded message rather than forgetting or not being arsed with it this year?

Maybe not though op!

I wouldn't immediately attribute the lack of presents this year to negative intent on their behalf. Not without talking to them and seeking out more information anyway.

How about approaching this with a neutral mindset?

Family life with DC is full on. It's half term in some places. They may have had flu. Or a demanding work deadline? There could be any number of reasons!

Obviously without knowing more it's impossible to advise or help, but I hope you can work things out with your sisters, or if not, be able to reach a comfortable resolution in your own mind about it.

I am fairly old now but what I would say is; family relationships can be hard. And not having family relationships can be hard too, whatever people say on Mumsnet about the delights of going lc or nc - it still has it's stresses. So in a way you have to chose which "hard' you go for, whilst being clear about your own boundaries and protecting them of course.

If you reach out again and get rejected, you risk being hurt, which is obviously very painful, but at least you know you gave them a chance and made every effort you could for your DD's sake and your own.

Good luck 🌻🌻

Do you send to their kids? Maybe they forgot?

I would wait for Christmas and if nothing arrives then either you have your answer, don’t keep sending them gifts if they wont reciprocate. It is putting you at a disadvantage and being in a position of weakness. It might be time to protect yourself properly.

This seems to be hurting you a lot - I understand you can’t post here but can you seek counselling? It sounds painful and difficult.

If your kids get nothing their kids get nothing too. Make that very clear.

OK I understand why you may not want to write it all out here op.

You sound upset that your sisters are close and you perhaps you feel left out?

The great thing about having DC is that they do sometimes provide an opportunity for renewal and starting over. And resolution of past difficulties maybe?

The presents to your DD from your sisters and vice versa sound like nice gestures and might provide a good basis from which to start afresh?

Both sides need to make equal effort to make it work though. Could you perhaps go and see them if you want to be closer? Start prioritising the relationship between the cousins if you feel that's appropriate?

Well it means that you don't have to buy anything for their kids so it should save you a lot of money.

Sorry you are upset on your dd's behalf but a bit of context here would help op!

Do you send birthday presents and cards to their DC every year for example?

Did you acknowledge and thank your sisters for the presents on behalf of your DD?

Why are you framing this as passive aggressive behaviour and not attributing it to other factors such as business, illness, or just the fact that if you are not close, they sent presents to your child when they were first born and not after that?

I don't really understand why you are getting upset because it's not as if a three year old will notice is it? Maybe you would have cause for complaint if your child was eleven and your sisters had sent birthday presents and cards for the last decade, but she is not at an age to even be aware of things like this yet ?

Tbh, I think if you go around looking around for things to be upset about, then you will easily find them!

Maybe try and look behind why this is upsetting you so much?

And why do presents matter anyway? Why aren't you more worried about your dd not being close to her cousin's? Are you doing anything to facilitate that? Presents without a relationship are pretty empty gestures!

🌻🌻🌻

Edited to say: X posts op! I see you did send their kids presents!

Maybe they don't think of gift giving as transactional? I am not saying that you do either btw, but maybe they think it's more honest not to send gifts every year if your relationship is not that close?

Maybe you are more upset about the lack of closeness between you and your your sisters than your realise if this upsets you so much? Could you perhaps instigate some RL meetings?