Having a surname from a different background to your own

You could make up a new surname and both take it if having the same surname to each other and any future children is important to you. It could be an anagram of your current surnames or use parts of each blended together, it could even be a whole new word that means something to you both.

Edited to add I see no problem with keeping your own surname if that's what you prefer though!

I’m used to men’s last names being more beautiful and easier to spell and pronounce. I’ve never seen them being more culturally appropriate before!

You can do whatever you want to do. I changed surname. It was important to me of lots of reasons and I also prefer the surname. It was still really weird when I did it and I did oddly feel like I’d changed identity for a while. And I was super keen and sure so it was a big surprise to feel this way! It didn’t take long to get used to it though and now years later my old surname seems odd and not like me at all when I see it. So I suspect although it feels weird now, you’d probably get used to it and it’d start to feel like you after a while, even with the cultural differences. Obviously there’s no guarantee of this though!

I would also consider what you will do if you decide to children. It was very important to me to have the same surname as any children, and if you don’t think that double barrelling will be an option you might want to think about what you would do if you have children but don’t have the same surname. How would you feel about those options?

It might be a case of there being no perfect option but going with the best option all round in the circumstances.

they could have. It was something we discussed. My husband was a lot less bothered about names and left it up to me. Our kids have African first names.

Could your DH and your DC’s not have taken your surname?

@LifeExperience Your post fascinated me. I very much associated the repellent practice of pressing men to serve in the Royal navy with the late 18th /early 19th century. Around the time of the Napoleonic wars etc. I thought 'How awful if they were still doing that to people in late Victorian times,I never realised.' . But I looked it up on Wikipedia and my first impression was correct - impressment finally ended in 1835.

Are you sure about the tale great grandfather told the family?, 😉I wonder what was going on there?

Not impugning him, maybe it was just a misunderstanding, family tales can get mixed up over the years. I've seen this on looking into my own family tree.

I changed my name to my husband’s when I got married. Our kids have his surname. It’s a lovely English surname and will be far less likely to be discriminated against than my Asian name. No regrets. They don’t look Asian and they have an English surname. Their lives will be easier.

I’m African (grew up in London) husband is Dutch I also have a very English first name. Didn’t really bother me tbh and wasn’t something I thought off. I am who I am and a surname doesn’t take away from that. For me it was important that our family has the same surname.

His feelings are not more important than yours. Keep that in mind during your marriage, on this and the next thousand issues that will arise.

As far as other people's reactions, people notice what seem like odd combinations regardless. I used to know a builder called Mohammed McTavish, people asked him all the time how he ended up with that, but it was just an Egyptian father and Scottish mum.

I think it can often feel a bit weird even when it's just a ffierent, even more so if it's from a culture that seems not yours.

OTOH, there is a sense that when you marry that you are in fact attaching yourself to that very differernt cultural heritage, it becomes a part of who you are. It starts to make more sense when you have kids, because they have both heritages and that binds you in a kind of a basic way to that - even if you divorce, or your spouse dies, that Austrian heritage will always be part of your blood in your children.

Keep your own name. Why on earth would you change it?

I didn’t take DH’s name. I wouldn’t have done anyway, but his surname is heavily indicative of ethnicity, nationality, region within that nationality and ‘caste’, none of which pertains to me.

The Dc do have both names, 5 syllables in total, and not a tongue twister, flows ok.

I took DH’s surname when we got married. It’s from a different culture and I get the odd “oh, are you *German?” comment but it doesn’t bother me.

*it’s not a German name.

My DH is Asian - I kept my own surname DD has his but with my surname as a middle name but in his culture luckily the woman keeps their own surname. I would have done this anyway - why should I change?!

That's shocking of her! And hilarious of you 😂

Completely fair if that bothers you, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. My DH's background is a minority one and his name very tied to cultural identity. He'd also have had to have either reversed the order of our names eg Myname Hisname (opposite way round) or made his own surname the middle name, which is more of a sacrifice than I made.

I also see it as absolutely a personal choice - I always thought I'd just keep mine and not change anything but found I really enjoy having both even though mine is still my main and official surname. Might be to do with my extremely dysfunctional family background, but I love feeling even more part of our family by having a shared name somewhere. If I'd been asked or expected at any point to make any sort of name change, I would have been very resistant!

I had a very old fashioned boss who thought that my keeping my name was illegal. When she discovered it wasn’t, she changed tack to “what a shame for your husband that you aren’t proud to be married to him”. Aside from the fact that I don’t see marriage as any sort of achievement, it gave me the perfect opportunity to offer my condolences, complete with head tilt, that her husband wasn’t as proud of being married to her as she was being married to him. That shut her up.

Neither man in these scenarios added their wives’ names though, did they?

I took DH's as another middle name and use both surnames together a lot of the time eg Mrs Hisname Myname. He also has a long surname, mine isn't much shorter and is actually two words as well so double-barrelling was out of the question.

I also didn't want to give up a surname that feels tied to my own identity - I've been surprised how much I like using his as well though. And I go by just mine at work (teacher).

It's also an option to use Yourname Hisname like Kim Kardashian West.

Haha yes this old chestnut comes up every time doesnt it... Tell me you don't know anything about Hispanic cultures without telling me you don't know anything about Hispanic cultures!

I think it's totally up to you what you do. Double barrelling is fine, the names dont have to "go".
I am from a mixed Spanish/Scottish background so I have both parents names (for example Garcia McDonald). My kids have my Spanish name and my husband's British name (for example Garcia Spencer). I don't really care that they don't "go together", it just reflects their cultural background.

You realise it is only a social convention to change your name to your husbands - you're under no obligation if you don't feel comfortable.
I felt I was losing part of my identity to change, and so in a small gesture to Feminism I kept my maiden name in 1985 - helped by the fact that my husband not only had a clearly non-british surname but it just didn't sound good with my first name! As it happens, he changed his name when we had our DD so just as well..

Most people who keep their maiden name also probably don't want to be defined by their marital status hence the favouring of Ms.

these people are also generally 🤦🏻‍♀️ when people say “maiden name” when it is just their name.

I think it's important for your name to reflect your identity, especially when you're in intercultural families. I was raised in a European country, now live in the UK, married to someone from another UK country. Although I have always told my DH that I don't believe in taking a man's name, some recent reflection got me thinking that if it was a last name from the country I was raised in, I would have taken it. It would feel weird to take DH's name, because his name isn't linked to my own culture or history, at least not any more than my original last name is.

I kept mine, he kept his. The children's names are a bit of a mess and I wish I'd thought it through. It's a patronym/gendered name situation. I'm happy with mine though!