I think he's falling in love with the girl he told me not to worry about

I haven't read replies this time so as not to be influenced by other opinions. I feel sorry you have fallen for a guy who behaves like this. I know there are people who advocate for having close 'friends' of the opposite sex. They often spend time together on their own, texting each other with news or turning to each other when in trouble. This behaviour in a relationship is what I view as an open relationship where the extent of the relationship may not be physical although it definitely crosses emotional boundaries. An emotional affair can be even more hurtful to the partner who objects to it than a one off sexual encounter.

I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour for a second,especially in marriage if this is your long term plan. It's time to take him aside & explain your feelings letting him know you are not the jealous type but his close 'friendship' with this woman is crossing acceptable boundaries & making you feel uncomfotable & disrespected. If he is serious & wants to continue with you he will begin to take steps to distance himself from this 'other woman'
I hope it works out for you OP. If he refuses to accept your feelings I would end it & find someone else who was more respectful of boundaries within a relationship.

This.

No one is saying she shouldn't have a relationship or pursue one but it doesn't really sound as though this man is worth her time or emotional energy, does it?

People are suggesting she focus on her children and herself in preference to this man. Not that she should become a nun.

I'm sure many of us have wasted time agonising over the behaviour of some man and what it means. Has that man ever turned out to be a good bet? No.

What is a good bet though is getting rid of the deadwood who makes you feel a bit shit and developing your own life so that you're in a stronger position so that the next time you encounter a crap man, you value yourself enough to not even consider him.

And that's how you find one of the good ones 👍🏻 and you've saved yourself a lot of tears and heartache in the process.

It’s perfectly obvious he wants her. Let him go.

Yeah I agree with everyone saying that they are basically dating already and he will probably start with a chat soon about how you are not working out.

Remember OP, it’s ok to not be alright with any friendship of your partner. Obviously some aspects of this can be controlling, but only in cases of clear abuse, ie distancing someone from all friends and family. But in most relationships we should be allowed to blackball a partners friend if it’s crossing boundaries, I once did with my partner, he said please don’t ruin my friendship (with the young hot one from work), but we had got to the stage of phone calls every night, including while I was laying next to him in bed, luckily he did see it my way.

As is always said in these cases, they never form close friendships with 60 year old Nigel or Barbara from accounts do they!

Agree with this.

Dust yourself down and treat yourself kindly

This!

He wants in her pants, frankly, and he's spending as much time with her as he is with you now. Drop him and move on with your life.

She is fresh out of a long term relationship with the children’s father. It’s all imploded pretty early on as the children are so young.

Working on herself, how she is in relationships, her interests, developing a career and mostly her children’s well being should be the focus.

She is very young and there is plenty of time for romantic relationships. For now, it’s too soon and she has more pressing issues and responsibilities tbh than the wandering eye of this boyfriend. As it was put unkindly.

I think your post is perfectly clear Op. She's not just a friend, trust your gut.

Absolutely correct, well said.

It wasn’t really going anywhere - it’s unlikely such a young man would take on two children in the long term anyway.

This is not a relationship I would be interested in. Absolutely fine and normal to have friends of both sexes. Not fine and normal to be behaving as a couple with a "friend" of the opposite sex. Not normal to be at someone's beck and call at all hours of the day and night. Not normal to be doing weird baby talk with teddy bears (boak) with "friends".

Honestly in your shoes I would just focus on my kids and enjoying their childhood. It goes FAST. I wouldn't waste it being preoccupied by this teenage nonsense with overgrown man children. If you really feel the need for romantic company, why not just keep it breezy? Date and have fun, separately to your kids. But there's no need to be investing in anything on a level where you can be hurt. It's not a case of being "allowed" to have a relationship when you've got kids. Of course you're allowed to do what you want. But this doesn't seem to be making you happy. I'm in the thick of bringing up young children right now and I absolutely wouldn't have the headspace for all the emotions and excitement that come with new relationships, even the good ones.

Maybe concentrate on your kids for a bit. You sound like you’re spending an awful lot of mental energy on this man.

Sorry love, that's a young man falling in love with a younger woman who has no children, nothing taking her attention away from him, flatters and makes him feel needed, and shares (or is pretending she shares) his interests.

Her relationship ended (did she end it? Did her ex, because of this friendship?), she's now monopolising his time, throwing compliments and playing the helpless young girlie card. Whereas you are his age and have responsibilities that he isn't part of.

I'd say face that now, stop worrying and asking and suspecting, and let him go. It will save you a lot of future heartache and-sad posting here.

Focus on the children for now. Out of one bad relationship and into an uncertain one so quickly isn't good for any of you.

You're at different stages of life, certainly where I live it's unusual to have two children at your age , most twenty something men aren't ready for family life. There is clearly a connection with this colleague, whether that goes anywhere isn't relevant. You don't trust him.
It's such an early part time relationship it's really not worth the hassle. This is why you've done the right thing and not introduced him to your children yet. Throw this one back.

OP you deserve better than a 27 year old “man” who is chasing around after 20 year olds.
Also ignore the comments saying “focus on your children” - you are allowed to date and have a love life when your kids are with their dad!
Also ignore the comments that a single parent shouldn’t compete with a 20 year old, you will find love again this one just isn’t the right one for you. You aren’t inferior, he’s just not on your maturity level.

I would “throw this one back” as they say here and seek someone more mature - this one sounds too immature for you.

Load of drama only 9 months in

you don’t trust him so just end it

Because she already had a boyfriend. AND she might actually be keeping him at arms length but using him as a little puppy.

OP seen it and her instincts are right. We shouldn’t tell women to ignore them.

If it stinks like shit - it’s most likely a turd

Throw this one back OP. You already know how it's going to play out.

The thrill of the.chase? Of it being something illicit? Wanting to make sure it's genuine/has legs before cutting off his current source of sex? Not an impulsive person? Hasn't had a "so what's this then?" chat? Feelings for the OP? Confusion over what he feels and for whom?

Lots of reasons.

But even if he doesn't want to be with this other woman, it doesn't mean that he is behaving respectfully towards the OP.

Oh Op I’m sorry.
For me the red flag here isn’t the going to save her on the night out. It sounds like he’s a decent lad for helping out, and most people would do that for a good friend. But the FaceTiming. That’s weird, that’s not even including the teddy..don’t get me started on the voices and teddy

I thinks she’s probably looking for a little rebound hook up and that look you say you saw from him, is potentially because she’s started to cross the boundary.

I think whether or not you bring it up, this is gonna hurt and again I’m so sorry he’s making you feel like this.

If they like each other why are they not together then? Surely he could just break up with you and date her, so why is he not doing that if they’re falling for each other, as there’s nothing to tie him to you.

I think you are right OP

It’s really good that you stuck to the agreement not to introduce any other bf to your children until you had been serious for a year. Very wise and decent, firmly putting the well being of your children first, which of course is your priority.

One of the problems with 50/50 once your relationship is over is that you might be lonely when the children aren’t around. So I can see why you might have fallen for this man as it seemed convenient for him to be a part time bf. I’m not saying he didn’t really fall for you, but he’s young and it seems he really doesn't want to settle into full time commitment. He’s so immature that he is even flaunting his new love interest in front of you, pretending there’s nothing in it.

From what you have described, and as you know deep down, he wants to explore being with her, which shows you he hasn’t fallen for you as much as he’s probably told you. For now, he’s enjoying having you part time as well as her for his future. Toying with you both.

You are very unlikely to win him OP, no matter what he says. And why would you want to really, even though you feel you are in love with him. He isn’t a keeper at all. He is going to cheat.

He isn’t good enough for you or your children. The longer you try to keep it going, the more pain you will feel.
if you are in pain, then your children will also suffer.
He has nothing much to offer now except the inevitable heart break.
Continue to put your children first and be glad that you always have. You can hold your head up high for that.
Wishing you all the best.

OP you and this man are at different life stages even though you are similar ages.
You already have a young family, and because he hasn’t met your DC, he has no concept of what your life is really like.
He dates you and I am sure enjoys your company. But he also has a lot of free time and this girl clearly means something to him. He gets to be the white knight/saviour and that makes him feel good about himself. The teddy bear thing is nauseating.
You will be vulnerable after your last big break up. If you stay with this man you will be accepting his behaviours. Which are disrespectful.
It’s really tough I know but be the grown up you already are and walk away.
And leave him to baby this girl.