Child wants to live with the father she hardly knows so she can go to university a year early

I think you'd want to have an honest look about how happy or otherwise she is with u and step siblings right now tbh. Is she actually happy or not? Surely that has an impact on her decision, and yours?

But what about the emotional damage of being separated from you? They need so much help and guidance through the teenage years and some firm boundaries too. I always worry about boarding school for that reason and boarding school holidays are really long and they often come home for weekends so actually wouldn't be so bad as what is proposed here.

You don’t understand the problem a mother might have with her 14 year old moving to a different country to live with a man who hasn’t been involved in her upbringing this far?

It would be a hard no from me. Your teenager wants to move with someone she barely knows, who isn't legally her parent. Why would you even entertain it?

I think you need to take your own feelings and desire for your kids to be a "unit" out of this. Explore more of why she wants to go, is it just the year or something more? Make sure she has all the facts. Then maybe she can go for a trial over a holiday and spend more time there first. However, I think if she really wants to go, then you should let her.

How strange to not understand why a mum might feel upset about this. Do you normally struggle to understand people's emotions?

Why would you say no and why are you upset

A young person with positive relationships with both parents albeit the parents dont live together, with aspirations and life plans

Whats the problem?

Sorry but I don't understand the responses you have had at all.

Of course she shouldn't leave to live with her father at 14 so she can go to university early when he hasn't played a full role in her life before.

Not sure if she is in year 9 or 10 but she should focus on getting good gcses. Of course she should make the decision (with guidance from you) on things like choosing what options to take, which A levels or other courses to take and whether to continue at her current school or go to sixth form college.

However she should not be taking any decisions on moving to another country to be with a father she has never spent more than a couple of weeks with. Would be a hard no from me.

She needs you more than anything else through the teenage years. Certainly there is no big advantage here that could possibly make up for losing this time with her mother and siblings.

I think you have time to postpone conversations about this until you have a better handle of your emotions, as how you handle it will determine the tone under which she may leave your home. A parting full of grife and guilt, or just love and support?
Surely it's better to 'part' on good terms, her knowing that your home is always a safe, uncomplicated option for her to return to?

More talking needed? I find my dc is most open when we’re going somewhere together in the car- something about that limited eye contact/staring in the face seems to help with talking about tricky subjects. But agree with pp that you and she may have different perspectives on your current family life.

And again, how about her spending a longer period there so she can see what it might really be like? It may not be what she’s imagining at all.

By your own admission your kids aren't a unit anyway.

You need to take your emotions out of it entirely, and think what's best for her.

Going to uni, living with, and properly getting to know her dad, spending time with family, all the while she knows that she has the option of returning home to you if anything goes wrong.

We don't have kids to keep them with us, we have them to watch and support them making their own way in the world.

It's bittersweet, but it sounds like you've raised a lovely, confident girl who knows her own mind. Jobs a good un.

Legally he is her parent. He doesn’t have PR but he’s her parent. If he wanted PR he could easily get it. I’d let her go if I were you. How old was he when he left you when pregnant? That’s not good behaviour from him but he obviously didn’t want to be a dad at the time or be in a relationship with you and the relationship would no doubt have broken down soon anyway and he’d have left you with a baby/toddler/child. He has kept contact with her and paid for her and sounds like a decent dad.

Uni is a red herring because people are assuming she is moving for uni. This would mean she is moving for her leaving cert so the 2 years before college as a minimum.

Just let her go, and give her your blessing.
Tell her you love her ver much.
Tell her if things dont work, just a phonecall, and you will come anc collect her.

Does she want to live with him and go to uni near him or does she want to get away from you or her step father/siblings? What’s the true driver for this decision?

You’re saying she’s disconnected with her siblings so your kids aren’t a unit anyway. You may want to hear her out, really hear her out because from the outside her reality and you reality of what your family unit looks like is very different.
it sounds like she can’t wait to get out while all you served how it affects you. If you want a good relationship with her, try to get to the bottom of things with an open mind

It's up to you how this will affect your relationship.

If you are excited for her and supportive of her building her relationship with her Dad, let her know she is welcome home at any time and keep being a cheerleader for what she wants, it will strengthen your relationship.

If you make it all about you and the pain of losing your little girl, try to persuade her not to go and play the "after everything I've done for you" card, it will be significantly weakened.

The ball is in your court.

Most people don’t start college at 17 in ROI.
Starting a year earlier has no benefit and huge social down sides wouldn’t even be able to go out with the friends on her course.

If she wants to move soon so she can do the full leaving cert in Dublin rather than A levels then it suggests quite a big problem at home.

So what she would she go to uni then? Most people are 17 or 18 in Ireland?

My nearly 14 year old wants to leave me, her stepfather and her siblings to go and live with her father who isn’t even on her birth certificate so she can go to university a year early.

Have you had a proper conversation around this? Is she realistic about it or is it a pipe dream she’s indulging in? What does her dad think about it?

If they have never lived together, what about suggesting that she starts by spending a month there next summer, or 3 weeks over Easter or something, and see how they get on?

I wouldn’t like my dc saying this sort of thing (similar age) but I would hesitate to give a blanket ‘no’ if she was serious and had done some research about it (if she hadn’t yet then I would suggest she did some).

Edit- just seen that you have answered some of this, sorry!

A levels don’t translate well into top LC points is part of the reason more U.K. applicants don’t apply to ROI. Cost wise it is often a good choice for U.K. students as fees so much lower - cost of living much higher thank most regional U.K. cities though.

Legally he isn't her parent.