Child wants to live with the father she hardly knows so she can go to university a year early

Is he in Scotland?
One advantage of moving now at 14 is she would be a Scottish resident for 3 years, so qualifies for our free university fees.
Most kids in Scotland go at 17 to Uni.

I'd be questioning yourself as to the true reasons why you would be 'saying no' - in 2 years she can effectively make her own mind up. If they are inherently selfish, I would tread carefully. Speaking from very relevant personal experience, if you don't let her make her own decisions, don't take them personally (no making her feel guilty for 'leaving you') and trust her own biological father as your equal in her life you will push her away.

I'd let her go. It's hard for you but it's what she wants and if it doesn't work out then she can always come home. It's brutal when they decide to move away but he is her father and nothing in your post makes it seem like he wouldn't do a reasonable job.

If you’re not going to RTFT, at least read the OP’s posts! The father is in Ireland ffs! Not the other side of the world and no issues with language! (Not that I am in any way saying it’s the right decision to go - but at least understand the issue before talking about stuff which is completely irrelevant!)

Don’t appose this too vehemently. You may lose her altogether. He seems to have tried to be a dad within the confines of being separated from her. Maybe a trial run visit in the holidays. She is clearly doing well. My daughter followed her dad, my first husband, out to Australia and stayed there. She also discovered for herself that he could be unreliable. Our marriage broke up when she was a baby. Her half sister followed her out there a few years later. They have a wonderful life and we visit. Her father died a few years after she moved there. She wants her stepdad and me to follow and her half brother.

You need to get to the bottom of why she wants to move. Not many children her age want to go to uni a year early especially when they don’t have any interest in a particular course. It might be because she is unhappy at school or at home. Does she have any issues with her friends at the moment? It might be because she has holidays with her father and so sees being with him as more fun as it doesn’t involve the everyday drudgery. The reality will be nothing like the dream and will be very disruptive to her education.

I would really like an answer to the previous questions regarding her bio father’s set up before being able to give a more considered answer.
You seem to take her desire to leave at totally face value whilst my first thoughts are more around the possibility that your understanding of the family dynamic may not be her reality/understanding at all.
You've stated the children are not a unit and you go on to state your daughter is not even in top sets. I don’t want to imagine things, but you don’t sound proud of her academic abilities, and actually you sound dismissive, which makes me suspicious her siblings are in top sets.
Maybe her bio dad is keen on helping her get into top sets, if this is what she wants, by himself or with tutors, a better school etc.
Maybe it’s nothing to do with education and she just feels separate, maybe she is treated differently by the rest of the family.
It would be great if you could really get to the bottom of what is going on but you seem quite blissfully unaware that she may not be feeling or living like a fully integrated, loved and accepted part of your complete family. It would be hard for her to tell you in this case and she may feel you would not listen, or could/would not change the dynamic, so needs to get away from it.
I really feel for you, I would be devastated and want to hold on to her too, but I think you need to put all your preconceived perceptions regarding how she should be feeling to one side and try to find out how she is feeling. I would then work from there. There is also a truth in what people are saying about the power of friendships, definitely consider is she is struggling here too.

I know nothing of education in the UK or ROI. But I know teenagers. When they want to do something that you don’t agree with they pick an angle. To her, wanting something to benefit her education sounds like a very grown up and sensible thing that you couldn’t possibly deny her. The reality could be very different. Maybe she wants a change of school, a better school, new friends, to get away from the annoying younger siblings, be spoilt by dad, more freedom. There could be so many things driving this but the chances of it being because she wants to go to Uni earlier are very slim indeed IMO. Talk to her and maybe try spending some holidays there and see if she’s still keen.

aww I’m so sorry this is happening and you feel this way. It’s so sad, but she has to live her life. If her safety is not at risk, you can’t actually hold her back without it affecting your own relationship with her negatively.

He may have been an asshole to you, but what happened in your relationship is not relevant for their relationship.

We all have to cut the apron strings at some point, I’m sorry it’s happening sooner for you then it does for most people.

sending you lots of hugs x

At the end of the day, he is her father.
He may have wronged you, but surely it's great that he's a good person now who makes time for his child.

If she's happy at home, she'll come back, wish her well, equip her with the knowledge she needs and be glad she has a relationship with him.

Forgive his past mistakes and try and see the good side.

Agreed. I have a twenty year old at uni. They never go to "over 18" places like pubs or nightclubs. Because they don't drink, as many young people don't these days.

Incredibly socially limiting? It really isn't. Unless you really want to hang out with 24hr party people going to nightclubs. Can't imagine anything more tedious myself.
You can make friends who want to do sport, or nerdy stuff, or bags of other things. The idea that students all go to adults only venues simply isn't true

That doesn't make any sense. Three in-depth A levels won't be easier than a wider range of subjects for the LC.

That’s not been my DS’s experience. He did A levels in NI and is now in 2nd year at college in ROI. He found 1st year an absolute doddle whereas many of his friends who were from Dublin really struggled with the standard and volume of work. He barely worked last year - genuinely did the bare minimum - and is sitting on a first class GPA. This year he’s working harder and is definitely more engaged and is still not finding it hard. His sibling who is a couple of years younger and doing A levels at the minute is def working harder than he is.

That is absolutely not universal. Leaving Cert Maths and Applied Maths for example are at a much lower level than A levels.

University student fees in Ireland are €3500 per year for Irish students which I’m sure with an Irish father who lives there and pays tax there, she might be eligible for. However I presume you are talking Greystones/Bray they are still a trek into college each day and other accommodation costs elsewhere are extremely high. The first year of university will be easier if she has done A levels for certain modules because the Leaving Cert exams are at a different level.

I would consider that option.

Does she know that the leaving cert makes A levels look like a walk in the park? We were at a severe disadvantage in first year compared to the Irish students. And they had done more subjects too.

14 yr old, not top set, no career aspirations, saying wants to start Uni early in Ireland …. Just doesn’t make sense.

DC needs to be required to look at Uni websites, grades required, secondary comparisons.

Does Her father have appropriate housing, supervision/care when he’s working, travelling????

Thinking back to secondary school BG, divorced parents,
She always talked about living with her dad which, thinking back, was pure fantasy. Wanting to live with him for myriad of reasons, of course he would never say no if they talked about it casually.

Angry at mom for not allowing it.

[dad lived about a hour away by train, dad lived in 1-bedroom flat (mirror in bedroom ceiling!), had young GF. She was in private day school, would need to change school, lose all friends. Prob only stopped the dad fantasy when got a boyfriend. Possible she liked being 1:1 with her dad, doing more grown up things than did at home w mum and younger siblings]

Do think that it’s possible that it’s common for kids with parents living apart, to want to live with other when confronted with normal teen frustrations. DC would of course make comparisons, nicer house, more freedom, more money, friends ….

Legal parenthood and parental responsibility are two different things.

I think at this stage it’s practically irrelevant the Leaving Cert vs A Levels, Irish University vs. UK University. This girl is still 13 yo, she has never lived in Ireland, she has never spent any amount of time with her Dad, the longest seems to have spent with him is a two week holiday to America.

I think I said already, the OP needs to have a firm word with the girl’s Dad and tell him she lives with her and that is the way it will be until her DD completes her school education. End of. He needs to stop encouraging and enticing her to live with him. By all means, let her visit him in Ireland during holidays but no moving over there. It’s absolutely ridiculous to even consider allowing her DD to move there full time.

And I very much doubt the posters telling the OP to unpick why she doesn’t want her DD to move and telling her to let her go would actually be so blasé about it if it were their own 13 yo.

Nothing to do with drinking alcohol, it’s incredibly socially limiting to go to college at 17 and not be able to hang out in any over 18 settings.
The OP’s DD seems to think it’s common to go to college at 17 which it isn’t.

DS started uni at 17 and was able to go out with friends. Not everyone has to oil their social wheels with alcohol!

Honestly OP I have a 17 year old and the things she wanted to do when she was 14 were completely nuts compared with where she is now (sensible plans). Hard to do I know, but I would just smile and nod, agree that it all sounds wonderful, sit back and see what actually happens. Do absolutely nothing to facilitate it. I don’t mean be obstructive. My guess is that when she and her dad begin to understand the actual reality of her moving to Ireland, getting started in school, uniforms, books, all the responsibilities of looking after a child full time (for him) starting a whole new life, making new friends (for her) it will all go very quiet. Take the wind out of their sails by taking your emotions out of it. Seriously, a man who has taken very little interest in his daughter to date is unlikely to actually go through with the responsibility of taking on a teenager and all that involves.
But as PP have said the whole thing is probably a symptom of her generally feeling unhappy. This is probably what you should try to focus on subtly. She is trying to get your attention and she has achieved it - maybe you can channel it into something more positive and realistic.

I wouldn't be OK sending my 14/15 year old to live with their biological father who isn't even on their birth certificate and with whom they've never spent more than 3 weeks (because given the first point it doesn't sound like he's been consistently present in her life). And I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to tell her (or him).

What I would be doing is facilitating a closer relationship with her father so that you can both make a more informed decision in a couple of years. Sounds like from an education pov it won't be a problem her moving there, so holding off won't damage her ability to start uni a year early.

She's 14 - things get challenging for a few years around this age. She might change her mind, she might not, but if she becomes more determined then facilitating a move in a couple of years in a responsible way won't make you the bad guy. You can show you're taking her seriously without a knee jerk reaction.

I would also try & find out if she's as happy at home as you think, and if not see if you can make changes. If she's not connected with her step father or siblings then that'll only get worse & create a rift as she gets older.