I'll try and keep this as short as possible, despite it being a looooong story.
DM was emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up: bullying, favouring my brother, humiliating me, not feeding/caring for me properly, removing opportunities from me for no good reason.
I cut her out in my early 20s because I couldn't cope with any more of her nastiness. For the next decade (and then some), she sent me abusive emails and messages - some private, many public - and I didn't respond or retaliate.
I decided to give her another chance a few years back - I'm more resilient now, not a cowed adolescent who's afraid of her mother. But after nearly five years, the relationship has deteriorated again and I want to go NC permanently.
Some of the big reasons:
- She doesn't respect boundaries around me, my home, my DC. She's complained about me "putting boundaries on her" despite me being polite, and has trampled said boundaries whenever possible.
- She undermines my parenting, feeding DC things I've specifically told her not to, telling DC lies about me, telling me lies about what she's said to DC, hinting to DC that she can't do X, Y, Z "cos you'll just go and tell your mum."
- She makes rude and disrespectful comments to me - predominantly about me being lazy and being a poor housekeeper (I don't think either is true).
- She's becoming increasingly right-wing and racist, and won't stop talking politics despite repeated requests. She continues to do so and lies about the source of her info in a bid to stop me discrediting it.
- She becomes enraged if challenged even gently on any problematic behaviours, huffing, tutting, playing the victim and storming off home.
- After our latest argument, she told me to "leave [her] alone for a few weeks". I blocked her for peace's sake, as she has form for continuing to rant even once a conversation is over. In the week that followed, she texted DP 20+ times (all about what a cow I am), requested to be allowed to come to the house, came to the house despite being told not to and hammered on the door for 10 minutes, left a snidey note, sent a three-page letter on what a horrible daughter I am, and sent two emails on the same topic.
Her take is that I am "extremely intolerant" of her, "do nothing but criticise her" and make her feel "incredibly bad." For my part, I feel this is untrue - I've cared for and supported her, taken her on holiday, allowed her to build a relationship with DC, and had her to stay when her health has been bad.
She has texted DP to beg him to "leave this channel of communication open in case of emergencies as it's all I have..." - she has no contact with other family members, and no close friends. She is frequently ill and has a chronic health condition that flares up sometimes.
I feel guilty at going NC and am questioning my decision, as she genuinely hasn't got much of a safety net apart from me.
I guess the AIBU is "AIBU to cut off contact for the sake of me and the DC, despite DM being basically alone?"