Page 5 | Is it o.k to let your 11 year old daughter hang out on the local park?

Natsku · 01/11/2024 06:02

SLeanne · 31/10/2024 16:26

Because 11 year old children shouldn't be 'browsing round the shops' by theirselves or with other children of a similar age. Different for a 15 or 16 year old. It's not OK to let a child roam around. I must be old school.

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Whyever not? Window shopping is something people of all ages can enjoy. I used to love hanging out in town with a friend or two when I was 10+

Leaving that level of independence until 15 or 16 is far too late. At that age many teenagers in my country are leaving home to go to high school in a bigger town or city (teenagers in rural areas have no choice, their villages and towns won't have high schools, the high school in my town of 10k inhabitants is only just hanging on thanks to teenagers brought in from Vietnam to study). Can't imagine how badly that would go for teenagers that haven't been allowed age-appropriate independence before that, they would be so so vulnerable.

Savingthehedgehogs · 01/11/2024 06:01

nonevernotever · 01/11/2024 05:54

I wouldn't. I meet my personal trainer in the local small park during the day and do bootcamp there. It's a nice area but of the groups of kids that are there after school and in the holidays two thirds are smoking weed. The only exception is on very hot days when the proportion drops to half or less. It's also noticeable that most of the groups are mainly or exclusively boys. Where there are groups of girls they stay for a much shorter time. Where there are girls with the boys they appear to be tolerating a lot of very sexualised language and behaviour in a way that I would not have been comfortable with.

This is exactly it, best case scenario this is the outcome. As above.

Parents will say my child is not taking drugs, smoking weed, having sex, vaping and drinking in parks, they tell me everything. Well, maybe they don’t! Because someone’s kids are there doing it so why are your teens so different? There is a pack mentality in these environments.

The pressure to conform at this age is enormous. Why would you want your darling children anywhere near it?! Why? There is a choice to say no, to choose something better for your children.

Savingthehedgehogs · 01/11/2024 05:55

SLeanne · 31/10/2024 22:16

I find it shocking that someone says they allow their 11 year old to go to have a coffee with their friend. Come on ppl. I allow my 11 year old a sip of my diet coke. Not to go to buy a coffee in town.

They are not encouraged to drink actual coffee, meeting for a coffee is a euphemism. They usually order hot chocolate with sprinkles and enjoy being grown up! My other dd studies in the same place, it’s a book shop as well, so they will usually browse and sometimes buy a new book. A lovely few hours can be enjoyed this way with no need for parents. Mine might go for a walk afterwards. Before coming home.

nonevernotever · 01/11/2024 05:54

I wouldn't. I meet my personal trainer in the local small park during the day and do bootcamp there. It's a nice area but of the groups of kids that are there after school and in the holidays two thirds are smoking weed. The only exception is on very hot days when the proportion drops to half or less. It's also noticeable that most of the groups are mainly or exclusively boys. Where there are groups of girls they stay for a much shorter time. Where there are girls with the boys they appear to be tolerating a lot of very sexualised language and behaviour in a way that I would not have been comfortable with.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/11/2024 05:40

SweetBaklava · 01/11/2024 05:30

We're in London so unfortunately it's a hard no regarding hanging out at the local park unsupervised. My 12 year old tends to hang out with friends at each other's houses. They also like to go shopping at shopping centres eg Westfield, but these are quite far away so one of us parents will take them and let them off on their own but we're nearby if there are any problems. Yes I had a lot more independence when I was their age, but I lived in a much safer area.

That's sad about your local park, whereabouts are you ? The thung is though it's a bit like private schooling, it only works if everyone lets their 12yos play out then there is safety in numbers. One of the reasons we bought this house is it's proximity to a lovely park, I would really resent it if it was allowed to become unsafe for preteens to hang out in ( there are tennis courts and multisport area as well as 2 cafes so that is where the youngsters tend to be). Do your parks not have rangers ?

SweetBaklava · 01/11/2024 05:30

We're in London so unfortunately it's a hard no regarding hanging out at the local park unsupervised. My 12 year old tends to hang out with friends at each other's houses. They also like to go shopping at shopping centres eg Westfield, but these are quite far away so one of us parents will take them and let them off on their own but we're nearby if there are any problems. Yes I had a lot more independence when I was their age, but I lived in a much safer area.

ConsistantlyForget33 · 01/11/2024 05:29

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 13:28

Reasonable - Of course it's fine, all the other kids are, can't keep them locked in forever, got to start somewhere, build up trust time, etc

Unreasonable - No way, don't send her to the wolves, she isn't street wise, way too young, gangs of teenagers, creeps and weirdos, county lines, worst place possible to hang out, etc

Hi

Just looking for advice, preferably from parents who have been through this before or are going through it. My daughter is 11 in Yr7 and it's time to give her some more freedom. She's had sleep overs at friends and gone to friends houses etc.

She has a phone and has been walking to and from her new secondary school with her friends so far so has been getting used to that, but not really across the park, just sticking to the streets.

Recently she has been asking to meet with some friends after school on a Friday on the park and we have a few concerns but also don't want to be strict over-bearing parents and realise we need to allow her some time out of the house to just hang around with her friends.

The issue is it's getting darker and as a local urban park usually does, attracts older kids/ teens most likely a bit of dodgy this and that going on, Friday night after dark is not safe I don't think.

She then asked to meet some friends in the day between 2-4 - we said o.k this sounds fine..who are you meeting? Bit of a sketchy answer, umm I think so and so is going, maybe ...then I asked if they could call for her so we know who it is - nope this isn't the plan. Then it turns out she wants to meet a boy in her year group and it is just going to be those two. I feel uncomfortable about this as A) never met him, not sure where he lives or anything - this is a new friend she's met at school...B) She's not yet even tried hanging out with a few of her girl mates on the park yet.

I've said no to this this time until we know who he is and she said they both understand and perhaps mums can swop numbers and arrange something. I don't want to make her feel embarrassed if this is a new boyfriend by monitoring everything and introducing parents and all that..but equally need to know where she is who she is with and safeguard her.

How the hell has this all crept up so soon!!

How does everyone else deal with it. What are your thoughts please

Cheers

It depends on your area doesnt it. I doubt I'll ever let my DD ( almost 10 ) go to our local park on her own. It is full of nasty older kids and big gangs. I've been on the park with her and an older kid started swearing at her not realising I was with her. And a few months ago my DD was at the local community club and we saw 20+ teenagers chasing one lad across the park.

You cant trust other kids. They can be so nasty. My DD is autistic though so I have a good "excuse" to keep her closer to home

I have just started letting her play out, but I track her with an app and I'm friends with her friends mum so I know exactly where and who she is with. Even then with her just playing out 1 street away shes had other kids be unkind. Imagine what group mentality would be like. Its ana awful world we live in now

yabbadabbadonot · 01/11/2024 05:19

Errors · 30/10/2024 13:59

I think you are already being over protective. She will never learn to be street wise unless she has experience of stuff like this. I know it’s normal to worry, but I was hanging out before that age in parks etc and I was absolutely fine. You need to trust her and give her some independence or she will never grow up.

Have you not heard of county lines?

CharlieMagenta · 01/11/2024 03:48

After reading about an attempted abduction locally to me today, I would say no. It really depends on where you live though, and who frequents the park.

Original poster

Sammy900 · 01/11/2024 03:40

KingAndQueenOf1098 · 31/10/2024 15:39

Some allow it, some don't. It gets dark at around 4:30 in autumn and winter and secondary school students get home around 4. What would they be doing hanging around in a dark park? Not keen on teens loitering, the well looked after ones are usually busy doing homework and extra curricular. Going to the park in summer to play a ball game, have a picnic or ice cream is different. 11 year olds dating is sad 😬they're emotionally not ready for romantic relationships (trying to phrase it politely) and time spend dating is time not spent building good friendships, studying or learning new life skills, or simply having age appropraite fun and downtime. I know some parents think it's cute or so mature, no, it's not, it's weird.

Not saying they are emotionally ready for romantic relationships, course not, they aren't adults. Whether you like it or not though the kids are going to be calling themselves boyfriend / girlfriend at that age and whatever that means to them is something that we need to address, talk about, ask what that means. Most likely I imagine it would be holding hands or awkwardly hugging at most. The main emotional element I think woud be handling how they feel when they "break up" every time....I just see it as playing relatonships, not actual ones at that age

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Original poster

Sammy900 · 01/11/2024 03:28

SLeanne · 31/10/2024 20:23

We take our kids camping every summer and while we are there they are free to mix with the other kids and be unsupervised, as long as they come back before dark. That is giving them freedom and learning life skills. Sending them off to Primark to buy their own stuff is just lazy

We also do this, it must feel so liberating for them! Wish I could feel safe enough to allow them that sort of freedom at home

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Original poster

Sammy900 · 01/11/2024 03:15

Errors · 31/10/2024 18:33

I’d like to know how many of the parents that think it’s unreasonable for an 11 year old to hang around with their mates after school somewhere also allow their children smart phones with Snapchat etc.

I know which one would make me more nervous. Paedophiles don’t need to hang around in parks anymore, they can just just on social media to groom

This is true, although thankfully they seem to be taught a lot about onliine safety at school, even from primary age

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MovingTooFast121 · 31/10/2024 23:48

SLeanne · 31/10/2024 22:16

I find it shocking that someone says they allow their 11 year old to go to have a coffee with their friend. Come on ppl. I allow my 11 year old a sip of my diet coke. Not to go to buy a coffee in town.

By coffee they are talking about milky, sugary drinks with maybe a hint of coffee flavouring. They aren’t downing triple espressos.

Your 11 year old must go absolutely bananas at birthday parties…

padsi1975 · 31/10/2024 22:16

Savingthehedgehogs · 31/10/2024 09:21

Honestly I find the complacency depressing.

Your child can have as much independence as you/they like! They can travel around, go on camping adventures and shop, watch films, go for coffee, learn to use buses, trains, sailing, ride horses - take themselves off anywhere that appeals independently but have some boundaries around parks, canals and other areas that are known to attract predators.

It is not the park or nothing.

That is just too black and white. There is an entire independent world in the middle.

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☝️

SLeanne · 31/10/2024 22:16

I find it shocking that someone says they allow their 11 year old to go to have a coffee with their friend. Come on ppl. I allow my 11 year old a sip of my diet coke. Not to go to buy a coffee in town.

padsi1975 · 31/10/2024 22:09

BalletCat · 30/10/2024 17:18

I'm really shocked at how many parents are ok with their 11 year old children going. out with their boyfriends/girlfriends alone! They are children!! Children don't go on dates!!

Also shocked! She's 11!!!!! Hard no from me.

Errors · 31/10/2024 21:54

Savingthehedgehogs · 31/10/2024 20:57

Yes maybe. That’s not my experience! But then my children were not given phones until they were 13 and are not that interested in them. They are outdoorsy kids and have a great time with their friends. They have never been near a park…

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Ok that makes me feel better. My kid is only 7 so I’m yet to navigate through some of this stuff. Just desperate to do what’s right by him. As I’m sure we all are with our kids

Neurodiversitydoctor · 31/10/2024 21:00

SLeanne · 31/10/2024 20:51

Did you let her go to the shop alone though?

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Yes I think so by March year 6
she was allowed to walk to the shops or cinema with her best friend from the house ( about 15 minutes).

Savingthehedgehogs · 31/10/2024 20:57

Errors · 31/10/2024 20:49

We baby them by wrapping them in cotton wool in the real world, not equipping them with the resilience they need to navigate life, give them smart phones and social media to fuck with their mental health a bit more and then we send them off to therapists to get medicated for it.
Or maybe I have been listening to too much Jonathan Haidt and Abigail Shrier 😂

Yes maybe. That’s not my experience! But then my children were not given phones until they were 13 and are not that interested in them. They are outdoorsy kids and have a great time with their friends. They have never been near a park…

SLeanne · 31/10/2024 20:51

Neurodiversitydoctor · 31/10/2024 20:49

I have actually realised I am an even worse parent than I thought I let her buy bits for her world book day costume in yr 6.

Did you let her go to the shop alone though?

Neurodiversitydoctor · 31/10/2024 20:49

I have actually realised I am an even worse parent than I thought I let her buy bits for her world book day costume in yr 6.

Errors · 31/10/2024 20:49

We baby them by wrapping them in cotton wool in the real world, not equipping them with the resilience they need to navigate life, give them smart phones and social media to fuck with their mental health a bit more and then we send them off to therapists to get medicated for it.
Or maybe I have been listening to too much Jonathan Haidt and Abigail Shrier 😂

Savingthehedgehogs · 31/10/2024 20:46

Errors · 31/10/2024 20:38

Who the hell said it did?!!

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I am not sure why you would link free range children of all things with hanging around a grotty park?

Neurodiversitydoctor · 31/10/2024 20:44

SLeanne · 31/10/2024 20:39

Slightly different when you have an autistic child who has difficulties with social situations. I would say he is doing rather well given his circustances. He is part of our local sailabitity club and takes part in independent and meaningful activities. It's not just '50 weeks a year doing nothing'. We have a family trip to Asia for 2 weeks a year, another 2 separate weeks in Europe, a couple of camping trips, sailing.... but hey ho, maybe Primark would save me a load of money. FYI because of our extensive travels my son can greet and say hello to Thai, Arabic, French, Indian, Cantonese.... I could go on

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I am glad your DS is doing so well. However it is different if you have as i did a sociable, sensible NT 11yo who wants to go out with her friends.

Errors · 31/10/2024 20:41

Neurodiversitydoctor · 31/10/2024 20:29

My Dd is 18 now, so not really relevant anymore whether I was lazy in letting her choose and make her own costumes age 11.
I understand about the camping. What about the other 50 weeks of the year when you are not camping ? What about learning about budgeting ? Using public transport ? road safety? Do they know how to ride a bike safely on the road ? Cooking a simple meal ? 30 years ago this was totally expected for 11 year olds.

I was 11 the first time I was allowed to walk to the local town with a friend. I used to take my pocket money and buy cheap make up from the market and have a coffee with my friend. I completely agree with you. I think people are babying their kids too much.