Page 11 | Is it o.k to let your 11 year old daughter hang out on the local park?

Sammy900 · 2024-10-30T13:28:31+00:00

*Reasonable* - Of course it's fine, all the other kids are, can't keep them locked in forever, got to start somewhere, build up trust time, etc *Unreasonable* - No way, don't send her to the wolves, she isn't street wise, way too young, gangs of teenagers, creeps and weirdos, county lines, worst place possible to hang out, etc Hi Just looking for advice, preferably from parents who have been through this before or are going through it. My daughter is 11 in Yr7 and it's time to give her some more freedom. She's had sleep overs at friends and gone to friends houses etc. She has a phone and has been walking to and from her new secondary school with her friends so far so has been getting used to that, but not really across the park, just sticking to the streets. Recently she has been asking to meet with some friends after school on a Friday on the park and we have a few concerns but also don't want to be strict over-bearing parents and realise we need to allow her some time out of the house to just hang around with her friends. The issue is it's getting darker and as a local urban park usually does, attracts older kids/ teens most likely a bit of dodgy this and that going on, Friday night after dark is not safe I don't think. She then asked to meet some friends in the day between 2-4 - we said o.k this sounds fine..who are you meeting? Bit of a sketchy answer, umm I think so and so is going, maybe ...then I asked if they could call for her so we know who it is - nope this isn't the plan. Then it turns out she wants to meet a boy in her year group and it is just going to be those two. I feel uncomfortable about this as A) never met him, not sure where he lives or anything - this is a new friend she's met at school...B) She's not yet even tried hanging out with a few of her girl mates on the park yet. I've said no to this this time until we know who he is and she said they both understand and perhaps mums can swop numbers and arrange something. I don't want to make her feel embarrassed if this is a new boyfriend by monitoring everything and introducing parents and all that..but equally need to know where she is who she is with and safeguard her. How the hell has this all crept up so soon!! How does everyone else deal with it. What are your thoughts please Cheers

AngryBird6122 · 30/10/2024 18:56

Eleven? Eleven??? With boyfriends/ girlfriends they meet for drinks etc? This thread has shocked me!

Amyknows · 30/10/2024 18:51

Yanbu. To do what in the park? Sounds like she wants to get up to no good

Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 18:49

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 18:39

@Savingthehedgehogs Thankyou for sharing your experiences and it's shocking and disgusting to think that people are out there purposely to prey on the young and innocent - when they just want to hang out and have a normal childhood. I have concerns too and am not going into this lightly..my partner and I are just trying to navigate through all the different conflicting feelings, like letting her have more freedom, trusting her, educating her and advising her. It's a tricky one when she's asking us if she can meet with her friends - they are all innocent at this age and think they are bigger now they've hit secondary school age but I'm still her parent and she's still a child and we want her to be safe of course.

It sounds like you care about your dd very much, as you have posted here. You sound easy going and really responsive/worried about friendships. The friends will adapt. We had friends that were not allowed in the park, and we understood that - it didn’t make any difference, we just would go to her house and hang out. It was nice especially in the winter. Her mother was very welcoming but gave us space.

Original poster

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 18:49

She's also trusted to be left in the house alone whilst we go out to the shops or an appointment, never for long mind.

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Original poster

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 18:46

Just to add - this is the first time really we've had to question it - previously my kids haven't asked to play out in the street or wanted to, The kids on my street don't play out. It's not really a thing around here. They've been to friends houses / stayed overnight / been dropped off and picked up at events and left there. My eldest walks to school and back on her own (with friends), etc. It's just come about now that my eldest wants to allowed out alone.

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Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 18:45

StMarieforme · 30/10/2024 18:30

My DGD does, with friends. No problems.

That you know about….

Original poster

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 18:42

@BlitheSpirits please share, how did you go about enabling your children to have age appropriate independence - and what makes you think I've got it so wrong so far. Thanks

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Original poster

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 18:39

@Savingthehedgehogs Thankyou for sharing your experiences and it's shocking and disgusting to think that people are out there purposely to prey on the young and innocent - when they just want to hang out and have a normal childhood. I have concerns too and am not going into this lightly..my partner and I are just trying to navigate through all the different conflicting feelings, like letting her have more freedom, trusting her, educating her and advising her. It's a tricky one when she's asking us if she can meet with her friends - they are all innocent at this age and think they are bigger now they've hit secondary school age but I'm still her parent and she's still a child and we want her to be safe of course.

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BlitheSpirits · 30/10/2024 18:35

Not after dark, no- but that is not what she is asking for. She is wanting to to a public place with a friend in the middle of teh day at half term! You should have started the gradual process of age-appropriate independence years ago !

No wonder so many teens suffer from anxiety when they have spent their whole childhood being wrapped in cotton wool and helicoptered

StMarieforme · 30/10/2024 18:30

My DGD does, with friends. No problems.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2024 18:26

It really depends on your park op so you will get a variety of responses. I let my dd stay out until 6.30ish in year 7, earlier as the evenings drew in. At 16, she can hang out in the evenings at the local park as long as she’s in a group with at least one boy. They’re not drinking or smoking or having sex so it depends in the crowd and the location. I love going to the local park in the dark myself as it’s very calm. I get that wouldn’t be safe at your park so you really have to be governed by location. As for the boy, i expect it is all very innocent and meeting him in the day should be fine.

Decorhate · 30/10/2024 18:17

To a certain extent it depends on what is normal for your area. My nieces and nephews in a different country played out with friends a lot whereas where I live, only children whose parents are a bit neglectful or cba, let their kids out unsupervised.

Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 18:16

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 18:07

@Jessie1259 I remember when I was younger hanging around with friends outside to "play out" we were always in the street I lived on mainly, there were loads of us all together.. but when I got slightly older into teenage years and split off into different friendship groups at secondary school we were mostly in peoples houses hanging out and then avoided parks and streets and those crowds so I know what you mean.

My kids have never played out in the street at all, which is sad but it's a different time now...kids don't play street games like they used to and the trends / ways they socialise are different- I think this is adding to the anxieties really but also I know I need to let her hang out with her mates / "boyfriend" and she has mentioned going to the park quite a few times so her friends are doing this now. Hence the new issue.

You have the power to still influence this situation. You can say no - it is dangerous dd - what would you like to do instead? Give her limited choices that do not include parks.

Men of around 20/22 used to pull up outside the park in their cars and take girls off with them, where they were exposed to sexual assault and rape. Drugs and alcohol. Many of the girls thought these men were their boyfriends! And described them as such in school. They were being groomed in plain sight. Exploited and abused. One of them was the dd of the deputy head of our school. It can happen to anyone.

It really shocks me that any parent would allow this.

If you know the parents of dds friends why not call and make a plan together? Don’t be afraid to be unpopular or back lash. One day she really will thank you for keeping her safe.

Manasprey · 30/10/2024 18:16

It's also hard when your kids don't have friends who want to come and chill in your house. We bought a larger house, because I anticipated loads of kids being here during the teen years.

Should have saved the money. Dc1 doesn't socialise at all and dc2, I mentioned earlier. Cats are made up though.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 30/10/2024 18:08

Grapesofmildirritation · 30/10/2024 13:32

My ds (same age) went to the local Costa for a hot chocolate with his new girlfriend. Some other kids in the year hang out with new bf or gf in the local park but during daylight hours only and parents usually tracking on “find my” or similar. All the parents know or know of each other so it’s less concern about who the kids are but the wider safety risk, The issue where I live in London is the very real risk of being hassled by older more intimidating kids.

Your y7 11 yo has a girlfriend?

Not a chance my kids would be in the park apart from the darkness issue now it's just not appropriate. Mine can go their friends, the friends can come here, they can go into town at the weekend but they're not hanging around in the park / on the streets.

Original poster

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 18:07

@Jessie1259 I remember when I was younger hanging around with friends outside to "play out" we were always in the street I lived on mainly, there were loads of us all together.. but when I got slightly older into teenage years and split off into different friendship groups at secondary school we were mostly in peoples houses hanging out and then avoided parks and streets and those crowds so I know what you mean.

My kids have never played out in the street at all, which is sad but it's a different time now...kids don't play street games like they used to and the trends / ways they socialise are different- I think this is adding to the anxieties really but also I know I need to let her hang out with her mates / "boyfriend" and she has mentioned going to the park quite a few times so her friends are doing this now. Hence the new issue.

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Boomer55 · 30/10/2024 18:03

Our local park is a haven for drug gangs and muggings. The,police do nothing. 🙄

Daisymay6 · 30/10/2024 18:03

Daisymay6 · 30/10/2024 16:52

I raised 4 ,all recently young adults.
my middle son would meet friends for football ,buts about it
But my daughter just went to friends houses ,none of them really hung around ,just went to each others house .
None of them really hung about ,their schools gave them all such a ,lot of homework from year 7 ,there wasn't really the time to hang about , especially with the activities they all did out of school

And actually,I've been thinking back
What I described above was when they were 15 ISH ,
At 11 ,that's still primary school , absolutely not ..
They were taken to school ,brought home ,and taken to activities.
Mine all went to a strict catholic school ,so none of their friends would of been out ,and mine weren't,and it was wasn't even an issue
,the thought wouldn't of occurred to them.

ladykale · 30/10/2024 18:02

@Savingthehedgehogs this!! some sense!!

ladykale · 30/10/2024 18:01

Grapesofmildirritation · 30/10/2024 13:32

My ds (same age) went to the local Costa for a hot chocolate with his new girlfriend. Some other kids in the year hang out with new bf or gf in the local park but during daylight hours only and parents usually tracking on “find my” or similar. All the parents know or know of each other so it’s less concern about who the kids are but the wider safety risk, The issue where I live in London is the very real risk of being hassled by older more intimidating kids.

Why do 11 year olds have gfs/bfs?

British society is so interesting...

Original poster

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 17:59

@RosesAndHellebores It's a brand new situation for me. I'll probably know all about it by the time my other kids are this age

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Jessie1259 · 30/10/2024 17:51

Nothing good happens when kids are hanging out at the park, I would never have let mine. When I was young the kids who hung out at the park were the kids that were smoking/drinking/having sex at a much too young age.

Have her go into town with named friends for a coffee, or to go to the cinema. But not just her and a boy at 11.

RedHelenB · 30/10/2024 17:43

At 11 mine were going into town on their own. They were going to the park at primary age alone. During the day I don't see the problem at her age, there'll be other kids around and parents with smaller children.

Savingthehedgehogs · 30/10/2024 17:41

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 16:58

Sorry for the confusing Poll I was just questioning what to do - in the end I decided she shouldn't go off today on her own to meet a new boy (and think that's reasonable now ha) but the gist of the Poll outcome is this:

Reasonable - to let her go to the park

Unreasonable - don't let her go to the park

Feeling better now about not letting her go in this instance but have it a bit clearer in my head about measures to let her go the next time it crops up ie; couple of hours in the day with known friends

Op, you are going to need much stronger boundaries and safety measures. It’s too wishy washy.

Your dd is a child.
She will be a child for the next 7 years. When she is 18 she can call the shots, until then she is under your care. She doesn’t go out with boys or men.

She should not be in parks hanging around with gangs and god knows who. You monitor her phone and put safe guards on there to keep her safe. You insist and know where she is at all times. You explain carefully without being alarming what kinds of things can happen in parks after dark. You tell her that cared for children are rarely allowed to be there especially after dark.

You encourage hobbies, sports and socialising safely so her leisure time is used wisely. Perhaps ask her to consider starting a small business or following interests like baking, photography or crafting.

Above all, you teach her safety, intimacy and protecting her body, how to say no, how to listen to her instincts and know when she is unsafe. That she can always tell you anything. You are on her team.

The idea you must toughen up your child is really out of date, that is just short hand for exposing your child to trauma and ACEs. They will learn how dangerous the world is in good time, you don’t need to fast track that misery with early exposure.

I hold my parents fully responsible for their negligence - allowing me to be in harms way in my own childhood. It was ultimately easy for them to just say yes and not care about the consequences, but the risks to me were eye watering. I’m lucky to still be here.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/10/2024 17:39

This has been done to death. Some allow it, others don't. I didn't and wouldn't.

Going out on a Friday is fine: tennis club, youth club, meeting at a friends', etc. Always with agreed end times and pick-ups.

My dc didn't do this even as older teens there are far more constructive things to do and imo only those with nothing better to do hang about in the local park.