AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

You do not need to accommodate a relationship between your DD & this "girl"

Put in some relationship boundaries

Change phone number

Restrict phone time in the future

You really want to avoid school refusal, which could occur next ? ( more time at home using phone & social media)

OP, couldn't read and run on this. Really sorry your DD is going through this, she must be so stressed. It's very real to her, unfortunately she just won't want to accept any different just now.

Interested to know though, did the dad block you on snap chat after he saw you screen shot messages? (The arrow will come up grey if you send a message if blocked) . I would go back to 'dad' and say about your DD only being 14. I really do think this is a catfish situation, either way it's only 1 person and very dangerous.

Also ask around any of your DD friends parents you already know and ask about the girl in question. The reason i say this is my DD had a similar situation, after calling a few parents they had no idea, but we all thought it was great to know for future incase the person latched on to another one of the group. 1 hour later, a call from a parent to say their DD had admitted to speaking with said person via snap chat. This person turned out to be a preditor and dealt with by police. Keeping this quiet will not help in any way. If it makes you feel any better during the above, I was on snap chat myself and checking who DD was speaking with too. Phones away at night BUT DD was deleting things (no parental settings back then).

Even if this is a 16 year old girl, she is way to old to be in any kind of relationship with your 14 DD. It sounds like a fucking dangerous individual either way. Really hope you get this sorted asap and your DD although young a bit too young, can learn about being safe online and in any relationships in future. 💐

@jcsc hi have read this thread and just wanted to say that some people on here are very self righteous and judgemental.

Try to ignore them they are of no help and probably have their own real life parenting issues.

Stop beating yourself up please you acted as soon as you realised there was a problem.

You are a good parent, especially since you have thrown yourself to the mob for advice.

You certainly don't deserve a bashing OP. We are all human & we make mistakes. Yours was to be unaware of the dangers of allowing children free access to a phone without trying to find out what's going on. Young teenagers are masters at pulling the wool over our eyes & it's hard to keep control especially when you have 5 children. You are doing a wonderful job in dealing with this dreadful situation. Your daughter doesn't hate you & eventually she will see the error of her ways. Teenagers can be tough. Stay strong & keep in touch.

If you can get her to comply, sit with you. An analyze this relationship in paper.
You each get a pro and con list.

Try hash it all out … on paper. Weigh up the pro & con, next steps.

Also, my friends and I often share with our kids the high school relationship stories with our girls. Things you wish had done differently. We all seem to have had an unhealthy relationship because we had no help & no way to know what was good or bad. Wanted love so badly, we overlooked a lot of negatives.

This person, has made her feel special, life & death, and no one understand…. Classic grooming.

Take the phone to the police and her laptop. I am concerned about her “Dad” right now.

"In reply to another poster I have asked if they have FaceTimed she said they have and her dad was in the background and said hello."

@jcsc this was last night, now it's looking more and more like a catfishing predator is behind this, I can't stop thinking about who is the girl your dd saw??

Please ask your dd again if this is true that she has spoken to her gf live on facetime. She needs to know she won't be in trouble for anything she's done or said, she needs to trust you and feel safe to tell you the absolute truth.
I'm sorry you're going through this x

You can always take a photo of your daughter's screen with your phone, that way it doesn't give the screen shot away.

If she is genuinely a 16 year old girl, then she sounds like an absolute nightmare and someone who is going to do your daughter no good.

They've never met, your daughter isn't 'in love'; she's a child with an infatuation and she'll see that when she's older.

But for now, until I'd seen this 16 year old girl with my own eyes I'd be very reluctant to believe that they even exist.

And a 'dad' messaging a 14 year old without my permission on Snapchat (remember, people use this app because messages disappear after sending)...I'd be on the phone to my solicitor already to give him a heads up on all the charges I was about to rack up 😅

If you think unilaterally cutting contact is going to be horrendous, why not invite the girl and her dad to your house (or a neutral public place)?

You can go through the controlling/abusive messages she's been sending DD, ask for an explanation and make a judgement on them from there. If she 'loves' your daughter it's not too much to ask.

I really don't think OP has done anything egregiously wrong here! Yes, being more diligent over her daughter's social media usage would have been ideal, but it's not like OP has been neglectful in my opinion. Social media and the internet evolves and changes at a breakneck speed; I use social media regularly and even I struggle to keep up. OP noticed something wasn't right with her daughter, i.e. noticed the warning signs, and has acted. Some of you need to wind your necks in giving her grief. It is very very easy for things like this to happen right under our noses and can happen to ANY of us.

Bloody hell.
Its a wonder any comes here for advice the kicking they get.
Give it a rest.

OP, well done for taking action.
Her supposed father contacting your daughter is very strange and sinister.
However upset she may be, it is better that she has a complete de tox from SM for a bit.
Well done for reporting to 101.

Give it a rest fgs

Takes a lot of guys to recognise when you’ve missed the mark and I really applaud you for it.

@ketchuptom do you have anything useful, helpful or supportive to add, or is your aim to make OP feel worse?

@jcsc you are all doing the right things. If you are not sure, then post here before doing anyting, or talk to your son, there are people who will help you work out how to navigate the technology etc.

Sounds like she could be being catfished.

Either way, I'd be making threats to report her to the Police for coercive and controlling behaviour. This 'girl' has set herself up as both the boss and the victim - your DD can never win.

Well done for sticking up for her. It can't be nice to be the bad guy but you're right, it IS your job to protect your child.

Definitely very odd that the dad is so intense on an online relationship his “daughter” has.

Could still very well be a cat fish or a possibly abused daughter herself doing leg
work for the dad.

Glad you’ve got the phone off her.

Someone will be at school or at least reading messages. Contact them re safeguarding your daughter.

is your husband also feeling like this?

The hours and hours this child must have spent glued at her phone and the idea that you just… allowed it, is baffling to say the least

The impact this must have had her schooling, homework,…. life

the "dad's" behavior is so far from normal it should be fairly easy at some point to discuss this with your daughter and help prevent further incidences of inappropriate relationships.
i get the impression this is all the work of one person, sadly it could be a sick older man, manipulating the younger daughter hence her mh issues.
it may take some profession help to debrief your dd, you certainly don't want her to fall victim again.

If you want to screen record with sound, screen shot without them knowing (Snapchat the other person knows if you’ve screenshot them, it’s better to use a second phone or iPad to record the first phone.

Screen recording does not ever include sound on a typical phone.

Sounds like you are making good progress.

what is she doing whilst you’re on this thread Op?

on her phone?