AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

I wouldn’t necessarily take her word on this given her emotional state. If the dad has just said hello why would he be messaging that the family love her, they don’t know her, it’s very odd behaviour for an adult.

She needs time to calm down but you need to get the phone/laptop away from her immediately before the GF suggests something daft like running away or worse. I remember being 14 and emotions running very high, there’s no logic or rational thinking with hormone’s running rampant.

It seems even more worrying now that the dad was in the background and said hello.

I was all for suggesting allowing things to calm down tonight and trying to get alongside your dd, leveraging your relationship and trust that she has in you. You've tried "going in hard" and it's not working, it seems like getting her to see the problems herself is going to be the best way. And you can't do that whilst she's hysterical.

But now having the dad in the background of facetime makes me feel uneasy, you need to find out more about the girl and her family to know what exactly you're dealing with.

Agree 14 is far too young for her to be dealing with this alone. You need to learn about Snapchat, quickly, and get a parent account linked to your daughter’s account. Then you can see who she is messaging (but not the content of the messages.) It’s called family centre & it’s in the privacy controls. Sadly no responsible parent of teens can opt out of getting clued up about this crap now and staying on top of it - letting them be on their phone all night long talking to people they’ve never met is almost as bad as letting them be out all night by themselves doing god knows what, because that’s what she’s doing even though she’s in the house. And either take her phone overnight every night, or put timing locks on it so she can’t use it when she needs to be asleep. Good luck.

@jcsc not meaning to pile on but you need to get a clear picture of who this person your daughter is actually in a relationship with.

Is the GF known to any of her real life friends in real life or to they just know her from online/social media?

Have they ever face timed? It’s very easy to set up fake social media using someone else’s photos.

What dad would think it would be appropriate to message a 14year old he’s never met and say his family loves her? He’s either got no boundaries or isn’t real and is just another account created by the ‘GF’.

Catfishing is very real and very easily done. Those who are very invested go as far as creating other personas to help make their main character feel more real by having ‘legitimate’ seeming connections to invented friends and family.

It is extremely unwise to allow children to have access to social media you don’t understand or have oversight of, they are just too vulnerable to make decisions that potentially could have significant impact on their lives.

If the GF is who she says she is you need to cut your daughter off and get her offline for a time, instead focusing on real friends and potentially getting her actual friends on side.

in the longer term I would be restricting the social media she is allowed to use or learning how but all works. She is so vulnerable to emotional manipulation and being pressured into sending explicit photos. If she has fine this and there is evidence you can report the GF to the police for having indecent images of a child.

I would be looking for resources to teach your daughter about coercive control and abusuve relationships, she’s young but she’s entered a world she’s not mentally or emotionally ready for and needs help, whether she wants to accept that or not

Really concerning that the dad is encouraging his daughter to have a relationship with a 14 year old and even worse saying we all love her. Are you sure this isn't some grooming scam?

Reverse image search.

Your job is to protect her. Remove the phone.

Take her phone off her.

I’d be taking the phone off your DD. Give her a dumb handset for emergencies, but nothing that’ll connect to SM / the net.

If she has to use a laptop or tablet for schoolwork then buy something like Norton lifelock and lock it right down - no SM or messaging apps or website access.

Yes, things will be shit for a short while, but it’ll pay dividends once she gets this catfish girl out of her system.

Have you reverse image checked her photos? It might be worth a try. See if the images come back as the same person or if they are linked to someone else.

She also messaged my DH last night on social media asking where DD was and then went mental at DD for being out.
I'd be phoning the police over this, this is another level of harassment.
She sounds as if she could be dangerous.

This. She now gets controlled access to her phone or loses it completely.

Even if it is a real teen, this is coercive control and emotional abuse. And it’s worse with phones allowing so much access to the person. You need to teach your daughter what a healthy relationship is. It’s not this! Normal people don’t act like that. I would ring the dad and tell him his 16 year old is abusing your child and they need to get counselling for them. They are obsessed and sending hundreds of texts a day etc

You need to nip this in the bud.

I would also contact the girls college if you have her full name. They need to know. Goodness knows who else she could be doing this too. In two years time she could have the police at her door.

General comment but please please get yourself up to speed on the social media your daughter uses and don't let her access anything that you don't know how to use. You are her first line of defence online.

This is way to much for a child to be dealing with. The gf sounds very controlling. I would get her a new sim card for her phone, so this person cannot get hold of her, also block her on all social media. Take away her phone at night....you need to get rid of this person, she sounds very unstable to me and, quite dangerous. You are the parent, you need to put your foot down, otherwise this could develop into something quite nasty.
Good luck

She IS real person, just not necessarily who she’s claiming to be. And yes, she might be bold enough to contact you. But why don’t you talk to her and get her to meet you. If she is who she says she is she’ll agree. Force the situation.

This ‘relationship’ is massively concerning. Is there any concrete proof that the girlfriend is actually a 16 year old girl? You need to make your DD aware firstly that this isn’t how relationships should be conducted - the girlfriend is a stranger, and secondly that she is emotionally abusive and controlling. Your DD is only 14 and what she learns now about healthy relationships will be really important in keeping her safe in the future. Please intervene to protect her.

Yeah that wasn't her dad you know. Have they actually FaceTimed or video messaged? Have you seen her? Has your dd sent nudes?

Are you sure this girl is who she says she is? This is giving massive red flags to me,
especially with the 'dad' texting her.

Remove the phone. Your house, your rules. She doesn't know this person at all.