AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

I think you have two issues - the possibility that it is all fake/catfishing etc but also the possibility it is real and a potentially abusive relationship.
TBH i think the second one scares me more.
I think for both can you just share with her what your concerns are and what the risks are. I think there are resources to help - i do recall Breck Beldners mother instigating on line training on risks?

On controlling relationships i'm not sure - for me its about explaining what a good relationship looks like and the contrast and sharing experiences so she knows you aren't just reacting iirationally/treating her like a child.
I have seen some guidance (no idea what its like) (i'm in Australia_
Love Bites - NAPCAN

the only trusted adult who needs to be involved in this is the police.

There is no way this girl is who she says she is. Go and watch for love or money on iPlayer, even FaceTime can be manipulated.

OP you need to remove her phone and go to the police. None of this softly softly stuff, internet communication moves far too quickly for that. There’s time for calm discussion after this scam has been shut down. I am willing to bet my house that this is a cat fishing scam.

You need to also make the school aware because she’s likely not the only one involved.

But this stops now. You of course can tell her that you know that her feelings are real, but that the relationship isn’t.

And then you need to take the phone to the police. They have ways of retrieving deleted data.

Unfortunately it’s likely this individual isn’t in the UK, although it is still possible given it’s a paedophile rather than a romance scammer.

This is exactly what I think is happening.

Are you sure this is a girl she’s talking to and not a random middle aged man?

I would remove the phone at night.If she can get good sleep that will help. Maybe let her have the phone 4-10pm daily.

You neee to get that phone ASAP

Look up what happened to Breck Bednar, OP. Get your daughter into solme
counselling and make sure she understands control and abusive relationships.

I am not advocating for her to be unsupervised or not checked in on, or eveb to have her phone at all.

apologies if i was unclear - there is need for understanding AND for strong boundaries, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

the above story is a possibility yes but we are not at that stage yet, op's daughter is still in her home and willing to talk to her - this may change by telling the daughter that the girl she thinks she loves is a predator and will fortify the narrative that 'your mum doesn't want us to be together'

This is definitely a very risky situation and there is need for caution and risk mitigation. Panic and catastrophising will not help and never does.

another trusted adult may be good to mediate between you

This is dangerous drivel.

You have no idea that she is safe in her room.

The very best case scenario she is in a coercive and controlling abusive relationship illegally with someone older.

At worst she is being catfished

https://news.sky.com/story/online-predator-whose-catfish-abuse-drove-american-father-and-daughter-to-take-their-own-lives-jailed-13240243

Hi OP, i work with teenage girls.

my advice for the immediate is to regulate yourself. There is no immediate danger to her safety.

you and your daughter in this moment tonight are both dysregulated and panicking about a perceived future that may or may not happen. Your fear that she will be hurt by someone who exploits or manipulates her. She also fears that she will be hurt but by losing someone she thinks she loves and losing the connection, belonging or whatever she thinks she's getting out of it. Your fears may make more sense to us adults but her fear is huge to her and overwhelming her capacity for rational thought.

right now she is safe in her room. Distress, panic and calm are all contagious - choose contagious calm.

your daughter is correct that you don't understand her feelings, tell her that and that you want to understand.

these are two teenage girls, one who is mentally unwell and one who thinks her mum doesn't want understand.

if possible, get the parents and girls together to facilitate the relationship in the safest way possible while getting your daughter into counseling and getting some psycho education on manipulative or codependent relationships.

it is paramount that your daughter sees you as someone who she can go to and will try to understand when things are scary. With kindness, this extreme reaction is showing you can't provide a safe space for her to tell you her feelings.

it is normal and understandable to worry for her safety but you must also provide emotional safety in her relationship with you and for her to express her feelings no matter how scary they are.

She is probably dying for a grown up to take charge and put some boundaries around this but a panicked, non-listening grown up can't do that.

I would talk to her school and explain the situation. Maybe they could talk some sense into her. Especially if there is an abusive, controlling aspect to the relationship.

I'm sorry if this upsets you OP, but I wouldn't believe that your daughter has seen this supposed 16 year old on facetime. She is upset right now and might well be less than forthcoming with the truth to try and get you to relent.

Don't.

This sounds like a man posing as a teen. I hope I'm wrong.

Do you work @jcsc ? Do you have younger colleagues who could teach you how to use Snapchat and Insta so you can keep up with your DD? And any others she might be using

You need to know how these apps work

This sounds all very sus to me. I reckon this is not a 16 year old girl why the hell would her dad Snapchat a 14 year old?? That's really weird. Take the phone off her. That's what I'd be doing and blocking deleting the girl and as someone said google reverse her pics and see if they are really her. I know your in a difficult situation but she's really picking on your daughters 14 year old vulnerability xxx

Do the mutual friends she met her through actually know this girl in real life? Also that message from the dad is very likely from the girl herself.

I'd also be putting a block on the sim.

Do you know if your DD knows her address or the other way around? I'd be worried about her running away to the GF

Having read your updates @jcsc I’d be putting a block on the sim if it’s a contract phone. Does your DD have access to other iPads, computers except the school chrome book?

I have to agree with others this sounds like cat fishing which is worrying.

Does your DD have an iphone? If so, you can use Screen Time to limit her access to the phone’s apps, etc. I image all phones can do this. You can lock the phone at a certain time and put time limits on certain apps. My teenagers have it on their phones, they hate it, but it’s non negotiable.

Also, ensure you have their PIN codes and follow them on social media - and know how it works.

I’d go in hard, tell the GF it’s over and block her on everything of DD’s. Good luck.

I didn't think Instagram could tell if you've viewed someone's profile unless you watched their stories. Sounds like she has added additional apps that tell her that kind of info.

Did you manage to get your daughter's phone OP? Hope you get her out of this mess soon. Must be so worrying for you.

OP- this screams dodgy catfish. An overly controlling 16 y old suicidal gf and her “dad” harassing your 14 year old? It could easily be some deranged 40 year old women/ man. Have you seen them FaceTime? If so why haven’t they done this? You need safeguarding in place now.

If she won’t give her the phone, take black sacks upstairs and start removing her stuff. This is important, do not do this in anger. This is out of love and protection. “I love you, but you cannot dictate what happens here”. Be calm, if she shouts, just speak quietly. You have to be the one in charge. Extreme reactions come from being scared and out of control. You are in control and eventually once she trusts that she will calm down.

New rule has to be phoned downstairs by a certain time. Is it an iPhone? You can control usage on family settings. Please educate yourself

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/social-media/

is good.

Good luck

You are understandably getting very fraught and worried about your daughter, but I think you're not helping with the way you are approaching her about it.

I wonder if going down a route of discussing what are signs of a healthy relationship and what are signs of an unhealthy one, would be more effective. At the moment you've locked horns and she's defensive of her "relationship". Asa teenage girl she's going to find it nearly impossible to back down from that position, so try to disengage and talk to her in open terms about relationships but NOT referencing this girl. Break it down into chunks the different ways something can be unhealthy, like control, manipulation, coercion, and how to have good boundaries. There must be books or age appropriate videos on the subject. Contact school to ask if they can recommend any good resources and if they can please cover the subject in PHSE.

The only way for them to know you've been on their account is if you've watched a video/story on there, otherwise it's impossible.

Something very peculiar about all this

Make it clear to her (calmly) that the same rules apply in a gay relationship as a straight one. No one would tolerate their daughter being treated like this by a boy so why would they a girl? Assuming this is a girl at all...

I think you have to be able to look through her phone at Snapchat & see what's actually being sent

@jcsc you aren’t the first and won’t be the last parent to underestimate the issues that social media can present. Those of us who were late teens or older by the time of Facebook didn’t grow up with this so it’s easy to not be aware of the risks. The rate at which people he apps and platforms develop can be hard to keep track of but it’s crucial, especially in these circumstances, to learn what’s happening, how it works and how you can protect your child.