AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

This has been going on for 3 months. The "father" says they all love her. Who is they ?

Sounds very much to me like she is being groomed. The signs are there. This is very common now. Predators target vulnerable young people - she's at the peak target age.The girlfriend could be 16 and be a 'facilitator' or "she" might be an adult male.

You're doing the right thing in intervening. There's a lot of information about grooming and child sexual exploitation online. https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming/ (what parents need to know).

Predators are unscrupulous as hell and know exactly what theyre doing. I would even be inclined at some point to call 101 non emergency just to get advice from police tbh. If the gf has attempted suicide she might be known to social services in which case she's on the books and will have history. You have to rule out the worst case scenario as a priority.....

I think, instead of telling her she cannot be in contact with this girl, you have to have a discussion about what a healthy relationship should and shouldn't look like. Make it clear that it's not a relationship you have issues with, but someone putting unfair and unrealistic demands on her within a relationship. There are a lot of resources out there about controlling behaviour.

if possible, get the parents and girls together to facilitate the relationship in the safest way possible.
please do NOT do this!
Very worrying that @OrangeRhymesWith claims to work with teenagers, facilitate an abusive relationship? are you on crack?

The Dad could also be the GF.

This Is a coercive and controlling relationship. If you remove the phone she could borrow a friend’s or run away to see her.

If you can get the phone and see the messages if she is threatening to kill herself or controlling - the police might step in. This is not a healthy relationship.

@jcsc

I would absolutely stamp this out. The deal with DD’s phone is we pay for it, so we are ultimately in charge.

I’d take the phone, wait for the meltdown to be over, and when calm - talk this through, and explain exactly why this is a worrying situation, and your DD needs to listen.

The phone is not returned until this is sorted.

It’s telling that if this “girl” is so controlling and obsessed but yet she hasn’t made the effort to come and see your Dd. “Gf” wants the meeting on “her” own turf. Honestly op, of you’re out of your depth I think it’s time to get professionals in. Start with safeguarding lead at school.

This is such a major major issue. Letting your kids run free on social media platforms when you “wouldn’t have a clue how it works.” Taking absolutely zero time to educate yourself on platforms your kids are spending hours on. Taking zero steps to understand how you can protect them. Taking zero interest.

Another vote for watching Sweet Bobby on Netflix, even if this isn't a catfish, that relationship was unhealthy too - it is worth watching it with your dd.

@jcsc in the long term, you do need to put in place some conditions for social media use.

My dd1 is 14 too, and I let her get Snapchat at the end of Year 9 but one of the conditions was that she had to join family centre. You need to join too in order to do this. My only friend on it is my DD and I only use it to check her usage. This means that I can see who she's been talking to for the last 7 days and can ask her about any names that I don't recognise.

I would take her phone for now and tell her you need to put some rules in place to get it back. One is joining family centre on Snap, 2 - no phones in the bedroom overnight, 3- Insta account is private and she is friends with you on it so you can see her friends and what she is posting.

I don't agree with a smart phone free existence for teens, it would damage their social lives. But I do think we need to teach them how to use SM and monitor their usage.

www.surrey.police.uk/police-forces/surrey-police/areas/campaigns/campaigns/2018/brecks-last-game-film/

Watch this short film together and research the case. You can get support via this website: www.breckfoundation.org/ourstory

It's very concerning what you mention about the Dad contacting your daughter and appearing in conversations 🚩🚩🚩

I really don't think this is good advice - the whole point is she is not safe in her room - she is being bullied and could be manipulated into all sort of things. It's also terrible advice to meet with the family they sound at the very least lacking in boundaries- why would a dad message a 14 year old? Worst case it's a catfish as people have said

Omg you’re actually beyond naive this is ridiculous. How on earth do you have A 14yo but have such a lack of basic internet safety to pass down to her?

The girl isn’t real. More like a 40 year old pedo
The dad isn’t real. He’s a sock puppet social media account made by the 40 year old pedo.

And here you are enabling it.

You need phone rules in place. Your dd is only 14. Phone auto shuts off at a set time (9pm), phone is kept downstairs overnight, you have the right to check said phone anytime for any reason (and do check it regularly). You also need girlfriend rules. If it's someone older then you get to meet them. You always know where she's going and what time she's back. You get to meet the parents/ get their number and call before any sleepovers.

I think it's weird that the girl's dad messaged your DD on Snapchat. He must be in his late 30s or older and that's old to be using Snapchat. The girl and dad could be the same person.

Google reverse image the photos and see if they belong to someone else. Could you speak to your dd's school and someone could talk to her about abusive relationships and catfishing?

This is also a good website for parents wanting to help their teenagers navigate tech safely
https://www.papayaparents.com

@OrangeRhymesWith makes some excellent points which are much more balanced than many others on this thread.

There are clear and valid concerns but to escalate the already heightened emotions by becoming confrontational and controlling is not going to help the situation.

Daughter is confused and struggling with loyalty, sounds like she has a sense that things aren’t right but is trapped in those feelings of fear obligation and guilt.

OP, listen to understand how she is feeling and support her. Gently tell her your worries / what you’ve noticed and help her put some boundaries in place. She thinks she loves her, and online is where a lot of people build connections and friendships now. It’s really not that unusual to have never met the people you talk to every night. So disbelieving that and undermining it already creates divide. I definitely loved my boyfriend at that age (not in the same way that I love my husband now but love all the same) I also felt that no one understood me, I felt very emotional, insecure, lonely - I was a ‘normal’ teen with no mental health challenges, hormones are awful things!

Do some (separate and very discreet) digging about who this person is. Even if she is real, there is a troubling dynamic with dad here which needs watching.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - young people should not be on social media til at least 16 (and even then it’s frankly toxic and nasty AF for a lot of young girls). And no smartphone til at least 14, ideally older
https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk

Does school have a pastoral support team? I would contact them or the safeguarding lead and ask for some help and support. If school are aware she’s sneaking off to use her phone in lessons they can monitor this and maybe your dd will respond better to talking to a different adult

i would also call the police for advice as it does sound like catfishing to me

Lots of people advocating for the 'stamp it out' approach here - the problem with that is that it may solve the immediate problem, but OP's DD won't stay 14 for long. At that age, I'd have reacted to drastic action by biding my time until it all died down and then finding a way to reinstate contact with the GF. And if they are a catfish, they'll welcome it. Agree with the posters who say that the key to this is getting DD to recognise the issues for herself and make her own decision to step back, and agree with @OrangeRhymesWith that this needs de-escalating so that DD doesn't feel OP is against the relationship and tunes everything else out.

I don’t envy you being in this situation it is very difficult and a serious problem. She may or may not be being catfished but one thing about this situation is that she is always available to this person while she has her phone. When I was young, if you were being bullied at school when you went home you couldn’t be bullied by that person when you were safely in your bedroom. Now kids can potentially be bullied 24 hours a day - wherever they have that phone.

Your daughter has become so drawn into the messages that she can’t escape. There can even be a bit of an addiction to receiving the messages. I would calmly suggest that your DD is not allowed to use the phone for 2 weeks and if after that time she still wants to continue the relationship that they meet.

You need to give her space to break the cycle and be able to stand back and see what has been happening.

She sounds very unbalanced with no boundaries and your DD is only 14 - that’s so young for all of this. I would be blunt with your DD - share how concerning the behaviour is and why that sort of behaviour can get out of control. Explain how people get into abusive and controlling relationships without realising it. Also that this girl sounds a bit unhinged, unstable and someone who falls passionately and quickly in love. This girl is doing a number on your daughter - even involving her parents to get influence when control. I’d do a number back, it’s your child, don’t apologise for protecting her.

I don’t use social media I find it very negative and full of hate. I have Instagram but rarely use that.

But it’s just hunky dory for your daughter to use it all? 🤦‍♀️ You really need to step up. Remove phone until you’ve had time to educate yourself, add protections to phone, and no tech in bedroom after 9pm.

I agree with what you’re saying. Calm is required now and an action plan. Op knows this girl very likely is who she says she is as the girls have FaceTimed and the gf is part of a wider friendship group.

It does sound as if she’s mentally unwell and a relationship with a mentally unwell person is tough even without the age difference, which if there are 2 school years between them is huge. It doesn’t sound as if this relationship can be healthy so at 14 I would be trying to reduce or cut contact, putting up big boundaries at the very least.

And I say that despite being the mother of a mentally unwell teen (also 16, year 12) myself, I would not be acting like this father is. However, seeing it from his pov he is panicking and thinking that if his dd is happy, she won’t try to take her life again.

I wouldn’t be engaging with the father despite feeling very tempted. If his boundaries are so poor that he contacts a 14 year old, you’re not going to get him to see things from your perspective.

I think the fact the “dad” has been texting her rules this out as being real as opposed to a scam.

I mean there is a part of me that would want to take her phone, take over the chats and arrange a meeting and then show up with a video camera for evidence. And if the girl turned out to be real I’d be telling her you came to tell her it’s over.

The time for discussions about coercive relationships has to come after it’s been stamped on. It’s gone too far and she’s too involved to hope she will realise in time.

You don't need to use all that shit, OP, it's toxic. Just don't let your DD use either. You'll be doing her a favour.