AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

The phone needs to be removed overnight, say from 10pm. The GF needs to be told that she is out of contact after that time.

Advise the school, so they can keep an eye on her, and they can check the toilets etc.

Ring 101 and log it. If the person is a known offender then they can do something about it.

Your DD is only 14. She needs you to protect her whether she likes it or not.

When it all calms down a bit, talk to DD about what a healthy relationship looks like.

Also, talking to somebody for 3 months and never meeting them, does not make them her GF. It could be anybody and she really needs lessons on internet safety.

Could you explain to your dd that this girl is extremely unwell and her being at her beck and call and getting her to stay awake till all hours is not helping this girl to live with reality

That her expecting dd to be constantly at her disposal is doing this girl more harm than good and just feeding her paranoia and unrealistic expectations.
if a relationship is going to survive then people have to live their own lives, go to work, go to school etc and getting angry because someone who is in school (which she should know) isn’t texting her back immediately is a symptom of how ill she really is.

Take away her phone. no snapchat till she is older. Contact the police. A young lady in the States killed herself after being catfished and sexually exploited. Show your daughter the article about it in the BBC and explain you are very concerned for her safety. It was like stopping her from running in the street when she was little. Also contact your DD’s school because other girls could be targets.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cm2yj24xge1o

This could literally be some random 60 year old dude (her dad?) posing as a teenager to groom your dd. If anything else, if it’s real, it’s really unhealthy enmeshed family dynamic that your dd shouldn’t be touching with a barge poll. Dh would never in a million years message one of dd’s friends and nor would I, certainly not to track down where they are, that’s very creepy and unsafe. Phone needs to go and I would consider logging harassment with the police if it continues. If this isn’t a real girl, my guess is this person is involved in grooming other children too.

I had some similar when I was younger. My mum found and out and hit the roof and shamed me. I felt so embarrassed and shameful. I get why she reacted the way she did but I wish she sat me down and spoke to me calmly about why these were bad choices and educated me. So I felt she was in my side.

I know you said your daughter is infatuated with this person but like others have said discuss and show her what catfishing is, what love bombing is etc

Definitely discuss with the school so they can be aware of her phone use at school if they're allowed them there & her wellbeing. And NSPCC for advise like others have suggested.

Don't feel bad OP, it's so hard now a days with all the different ways people can communicate. Familiarise yourself with all the different social media channels but also messaging channels, not just Whatsapp (hidden messages too) but Signal as well.

If it was me I would contact the 'dad' and say this is creepy as hell and he and his 'daughter' need to back the fuck off and stop grooming a child or you'll give their details to the police.

Contact police

that's weird because you can't see on instagram if someone has just viewed your profile. Maybe you clicked on something.

Right, you need to get DD and DH in the car and drive this 45 minutes and see just who these fxxkers are!

It feels weird the dad is involved, I would be so worried it's him not a girl, but who knows. Your DD has been taken over by the moonies bless her with this and it is going to have to be stopped, one way or the other. So sorry :( xxx

I wouldn't automatically believe your DD when she says they have face timed and she saw her and her dad, she might have BUT she could very easily be telling you what she thinks you want to hear so you'll let this continue.

I don't think it's actually her dad messaging your DD either, it'll probably be one of many fake accounts this girl has to try manipulate and apply pressure to your daughter.

The fact that she/whoever this is, is actively seeking out you/your DH to contact as a way to get to your daughter, regardless of the rest, would make me feel really uncomfortable about this relationship.

You need to dig deeper - who from your DD's friendship group has actually met this girl - in person? I'd want to see proof that this girl is who she says she is, facetime call etc and even if she is who she says she is - you need to gently find a way to make this all go away because no relationship should be that toxic, especially one children are in...before they have even met ffs.

I don't know if someone has already mentioned it, but contact the safe-guarding team at school and also report to CEOP (Child Exploitation and Online Protection), which is a police run service, but reports made to CEOP will always be investigated. The link is https://www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/

Do not under any circumstances arrange to meet this "girl" yourself. You are an adult and she is a minor. If she's abusively inclined, she's also likely to be the type to make false allegations, which could land you in all sorts of problems.

Echoing the 'they've NEVER met!' Posters.
Who is in the friendship group on what's app chat? How did it start and have any of them met in real life?

A friend went through similar and stopped contact but her DD was .escaping using old devices and on xbox live, it was like an addiction and hellush for a while but its over now and DD thanks her mum, admitting she had not been herself during that time

I had a relationship a bit like this as a teenager. I was 15, he was 20, he lived at the other end of the country and we met online. He was controlling, jealous, isolated me from friends and family, and sexually abusive when we started to meet in person. My parents didn’t want to push me away and let me see him and continue the relationship- we were together for 3 years.

I’ve talked about it with my parents since and I get why they didn’t cut it off but god, I wish they had. I would have raged exactly like your daughter but it would have been the right thing.

Whatever you do, let her know that you love her and support her, you’re not angry and she hasn’t done anything wrong, but you want her to have healthy relationships one day and this isn’t it, and it’s your job to protect her. The last thing you want to do is heap anymore shame and guilt on her as I suspect she will be getting enough of that from the girlfriend

PS don't cry OP get fucking angry and report to the police

I also agree that the GF is posing as the dad, to apply more pressure to your DD. Even if she does turn out to be a real teen, the gaslighting, coercion and toxicity is appalling.

Sorry not RTFT, but she's being cat-fished. The dad won't be the dad, it'll be the GF.

Watch sweet Bobby on Netflix. Seriously these are cat-fishing tactics.

You don't even know if this girl is for real? Could be a man!!

I have a slightly different perspective. My DD is a similar age and told us she'd met a boy online, as part of a gaming group. Alarm bells rang immediately, so I suggested they FaceTimed while I was in the room so I could see for myself that he was genuine. He is very much a real teen and seems like a lovely boy. Since then, we've allowed her to continue the friendship but with close supervision. We regularly check in that she's okay and that no pictures etc are being exchanged. They do want to meet – he lives about an hour from us – but I said we'd only facilitate it if I had contact with his parents. We're looking at the Xmas holidays as a possible time – it may well blow out before then. The way I see it, their relationship is no different from when I had pen friends as a teen but because it's being done online we have to be way more vigilant as parents.

OP, at an absolute minimum you should be asking to see this and talk to this girl onscreen yourself to check she's real. Also, take your DD's phone off her at night! Even without all this going on she should have a screen-free room while she's sleeping.

And to add, I also think you’ve been hopelessly naive op. My dd is only friends with friends of friends (who everyone knows to be a genuine person and teen) or people (teens) she’s met irl.

My first thought too - there is a strong possibility the 16 year old girl doesn't exist and your DD is being groomed by a paedophile.

I agree. This is exactly how I am interpreting the content of the post from @OrangeRhymesWith. De-escalation rather than confrontation.

OP my DD15 is not allowed her phone in her room at night. Especially during term time. It's needs to be charged downstairs.

And yes you need to find out who this person really is.

Personally I would be taking control, trying to FaceTime them or speak to them. If they refuse they aren't who they say they are.

Snapchat is a stalkers dream, your DD should not be adding anyone she doesn't actually know.

Yes, even if the girl is real and who she says she is, this sounds like a very unlikely message from a dad.

It’s actually so frightening that so many of
you are parents and yet can’t see that none of this is real and that this young girl is being groomed.

I think people are misunderstanding what @OrangeRhymesWith is suggesting. My interpretation is that she’s saying dial back the confrontation and be alongside DD helping her work out what’s going on and navigate her way through it.

When DSD was around that age she was struggling at her mums house and behaviour went a bit off the rails, she came to live with us and it became clear that she was being targeted by what I now can see was a grooming gang (at the time this wasn’t on our radar). Rather than coming down heavy on her we talked to her about our concerns and invited these men to come and meet us, they ran a mile and DSD was able to see them for what they were, realised that she could trust us and didn’t have to hide anything from us. It was a turning point in so many ways but could have gone very differently.