AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

Just remember, she may hate you right now but you have her best interests at heart and it's not forever! Big hugs xx

I really disagree with the idea that these are new issues. I’m in my early 30s and we were being warned about digital grooming 20 years ago. The OP says herself that she doesn’t use social media because it’s “full of hate” and yet has allowed her DD unrestricted access to digest it all.

Theres enough understanding to know that there’s harmful content there but no attempts to protect her DD from it.

Sorry I was typing while you wrote this. Good news you have taken these steps. Im sure in time your daughter will understand you have done these things to protect her.

I would in your shoes not contact the Dad. I would be tempted to set up a new contact number. Hopefully this will all fizzle out and in time your daughter will realise how oppressive the virtual relationship was.

Have you got the family centre on her Snapchat? Also make sure her sensitive filter is on and location is turned off. I check on this who my child talks to (it lists friends and communications but not conversation's). You can report and block users on this.

I do think your daughter sounds at risk given how she has been using social media. You're not alone but I would ask NSPCC for advice. I would remove her phone for the moment until you have some advice.

If she needs a phone for communication with you I would delete snap chat for the moment (she doesn't need it to speak to you). She won't be happy about it.

If she has an I phone it has a parent control application for children. If it's Google you can use family link beyond age 13 to block apps, put time limits (so she isn't using her phone until 3am). I take my children's phones at night and charge them so they don't have the distractions. I also put time limits on apps with the family link and Apple family control. It's hard if you don't use technology but do you have a friend that can help?

I do think a lot of red flags are showing but these are things you can do right now while you wait for advice.

Take care.

Well not all of us do have teens and clicking on this thread might be for many a step in that process of educating themselves. For many people it’s a pretty repellent topic and pretty alien to how they live themselves.

Also, op is trying to do something about the situation. She has reached out on here for guidance and I’m not sure the whole “ omg: you’re all so dumb” is as constructive a response as it could be. Clearly the situation has unravelled on her. I think she grasps that. These are new issues that, if she is in her forties, like many of us we didn’t grow up with having (mercifully) skipped the weird and pitfall-ridden world of virtual relationships.

There's a high probability this is a groomer pretending to be young person with a fake instagram account.

'The dad' messaging her makes it sound even more suspicious.

Well I’m sorry but if you’ve got a teenager you should be “mired in the muck” of it. You should be digitally literate, you should be aware of the platforms your children are using, the content they are accessing and who they are speaking to. A failure to understand these things is frankly negligent. Would you let your child to go out and run about in the road?

And this thread serves as a staggering cautionary tale as to why parents need to take the time to educate themselves, there’s plenty of resources out there which have been linked in this thread.

Yeah enough with all the ffs and fgs on the thread.

Not everyone on these threads is mired in the muck of how online grooming works in practice. Well done you got having your head round it. People are trying to help and support op and often from a position of still trying to grapple with it all - as is op - because it isn’t intuitive to everyone. You can explain things politely even if you feel expertly qualified in the realm.

Your child needs a strong clear message from you and her dad that a girlfriend (or boyfriend or partner or spouse) should never seek to control or coerce her into anything. That is not love, it's abuse. Your daughter is very young, she needs your guidance and clear boundaries. She won't like it, but it's an important life lesson. At best, this girlfriend is genuine, but disturbed and your daughter doesn't need that at just 14. At worst, the girlfriend is someone else entirely and your daughter doesn't need that either.

who pays the bill? If its you, tell her you will close the account down if she doesn't produce the phone RIGHT NOW.

Fgs there is no gf. This child is being groomed by paedophiles

The only thing the OP needs to be doing is going to the police.

I would also insist on meeting the gf. Invite her to a meal and say in friont of daughter that due to your daughter not doing her homework (and you want her to be able to attend college) you will be changing the terms of her phone use.

This is laughable really. Op doesn't need to do any of that. Take this person out to a meal and give her an explanation 🤣. Are you serious. Op doesn't need to explain to anyone, let alone another child how she parents her child.

You're daughter's GF is some dodgy bloke. Take the phone.

Even if that's not the case she is far too young to be having this type with anyone.

Take her phone away for a start. She doesn't know how to use it safely and can't be trusted to do so, so she loses it. Come on op, parent your child.

I'd be taking a strong friend around to knock of the Dad's door and request that he not contact your young daughter again.

I would also insist on meeting the gf. Invite her to a meal and say in front of daughter that due to your daughter not doing her homework (and you want her to be able to attend college) you will be changing the terms of her phone use. Restrict her from using her phone after 7:00 pm and take it off her altogether if she doesn't keep up with her home work.
Speak to the school about her having her phone put in a locker until home time.

The gf should be caringabout the educationaloutcomes of your daughter if she really is her friend - and I would challenge her on that - in front of your daughter, while she is visiting.

She's 14, a child wth is this girlfriend nonsense. Why are you allowing this?? She is a child, not an adult having relationships.

Your house, your rules, if she doesn't like it she can leave. Well that was how we grew up, education first.
Suddenly the big world out there is a scary place and being too big for your boots isn't very cool after all.

Apologise for calling the idea of her being in love stupid. It's stupid to us adults but it isn't to a 14 year old. You need to build the bridge back in order to have a calmer more eye opening conversation with her. Tell her that you love her and that you are concerned about her well being. Call a domestic abuse organisation and NSPCC (or equivalent if not in UK) and get advice.

I would have real concerns this could be a catfish type of case. There was a peadophile sentenced in the last few weeks who was getting children to send photos of themselves and abusing siblings/pets and blackmailing them to the point a child took her own life. You need to tread carefully here.

Thanks yes both these posts are what I mean.

i actually agree that teens should not have unsupervised access to social media, my own are not allowed their phones or any devices outside communal areas of the house but in this case the time for that has passed.

if this is a groomer, they will have said that 'your parents won't understand, don't tell them anything etc etc' and you prove them right. Unfortunately the length of time you've let it go on for means that a level of trust may have been built up and they might try and persuade your dd to meet them saying 'they'll never let us be together you'll have to leave'

Being non-confrontational will do two things 1. Disprove their predictions anbout you and may give dd pause for thought 2. Make the groomer run scared and stop contacting, they stay away from protective, understanding calm parent-child relationships because there are no vulnerabilities to exploit. In the meantime, calmly check with police the process and report when you see fit.

if it's not a groomer and her story is true then the same advice to de-escalate rather than confront stands. It's gone on for 3 months which is ages in teen world, she does not have the skills to end any relationship without support. Unfortunately OP she has been left to navigate a very complex dynamic by herself for too long, she will need help navigating the end of it but you will have to be beside her while she realises that rather than dictating it. Relationships like this, based on drama and secrecy die when all out on the open with boring reasonable parents are around.

Oh! I really am that naive! I eschew much of this online relationship business and thankfully my Dc are too young.

Please don’t be so rude though.

The dad isn’t real FFS how can you be so naive to not see this is grooming and all these social media accounts are fake.

Well one plus op is that the dad has barged stepped in, which imo opens the field up for you to step in as well without any grief from any of them.

Im so sorry you are going through this as it incorporates many parenting challenges that are entirely new to this generation.

What had me baffled was the dads comment ( if I’ve read this right?!) that they “ all” love DD?! How could he possibly? Surely dd can see how empty that is. The only thing I can really conclude is that he is grateful to DD that she is being used as some kind of crutch for his own DD’s mh issues. And put like that, of course you have to step in. You don’t want dd carrying that responsibility.

I disagree re showing her literature on catfishing as a way to show her what she’s involved in. She’s not going to want to hear it.

You are the parent. She is a child. You need to remove her phone and then tell her why.

Too many parents are afraid to act for fear of what might happen if they do. Perhaps think about what will happen if you don’t.

Not all catfishers are men. She could equally be a disturbed young adult woman. It absolutely happens. I would be deeply suspicious of this relationship.

100% good advice.