AIBU to stop DD contact with GF

I am so glad your son is coming back, he will be able to help and also your DD may pay more attention to what he says than what you say. I am sure he can set you 3 up in a way that you can be sure DD is protected, and I expect he will be able to keep an eye on her SM infonow that he knows she is at risk.
I hope it all works out, and one day she will realise that you did this because you love her and want to keep her safe.

you can assume that this person is female but there is no way of proving this, people can disguise their voices and and there must be apps or soft ware that can do this. Basically if you have never met someone in real life they can pretend to be whoever they want to be to suit their purposes.

Your daughter is a teenager but still a child. She is going through huge hormonal changes. I think involving the police is sensible & exactly what I would do. I would make an urgent appointment with her doctor,preferably a home visit. I would also keep her off school until this settles. It sounds like she is in no fit state to be left alone or trying to cope with school while going through this phase. She might welcome the opportunity to be off school for a short period. The doctor can organise therapy with initially mild medication for anxiety if appropriate. I'd definitely ask about this in order to settle her down.

I'd report this 16 year old girls father for enticing a 14 year old to communicate with him. I would also ask the police to communicate with the girl letting her know this has to stop. As others have said this is very suspicious. It's understandable you are worried & taking it seriously. I wouldn't let her out of my sight until there is a solution. To clarify my points,everything I mentioned is what I would do in the circumstances. Only you know your own daughter & what is best for her. It would be good given time to hear about a positive outcome.

Just wanted to say how scary this sounds. Lots of it does not add up and very weird controlling behaviour.

Really good you have got her phone and trying to get ahead of it all.

Yes, that jumped out at me, too. Why protect yourself from social media, but not your children?

Please tell me your husband didn't reply to this girl...

Also, you keep going on about how naive you are about social media, but letting your 14 year old daughter keep her phone in her room overnight was more than naive, it was negligent. You and your husband need to get up to speed with technology and online safety to avoid this happening to your other children- the first step is not to allow any of them smartphones.

I agree with previous posters saying do not contact the dad. Cut off all ties with this 'family'. It may make them find ways to contact you and your family, however if they do contact you you're in your right to tell them to stop contacting you immediately and if they continue then they can be done for harassment because you specifically told them to stop.

I would actually phone non emergency police and log it all just in case it is anything dodgy and then it's all there on record if you do have to log harassment and the police need to warn them to cease contact.

I keep hearing too of predatory people trying to get nudes etc out of young people and then blackmailing them

speak to your DD and ask if she’s sent any images/videos like this

This was my thinking too. Change the number, dumb phone for now, locked down everything else.

if the GF (who’s not a GF if they’ve never bloody met) takes a single step to contact anyone in your family, report this to the police. This is harassment and intimidation.

if you have not already reverse searched her images, do so asap. This could all be fake, even the dad etc etc. either way, your dd is a vulnerable child and this relationship is unhealthy.

your dd will see eventually. Lock this down so hopefully dd won’t have time to find phone numbers or emails.

speak to the school too. They may be able to help keep dd safe.

I had this with dd2.
I confiscated her phone. I changed the sim and didn't let DD have it back for some time ( can't remember how long, it was a while ago).
It's a situation where you need to be the bad guy.

Early thirties is much more a demographic who have been exposed to it. There really are plenty of us in our forties who don’t dip into it, have never needed to ( or been drawn to) and are now coming to terms with it as a reality of our DC’s future teens. It’s just lack of exposure.

Conversely, there are also plenty of celebrities even in their fifties and sixties who make full use of SM for their own ends, but if you haven’t needed it, or been exposed to it particularly, why would you delve into it - except now when we are having to as Dc approach that juncture?

There were whole generations who managed to socialise with nothing more than texts, email and a bit of what’s app. I’m sure plenty of MNers actually grew up with the most technology in their relationships being talking on the phone. Thirties is a very different demographic.

Any chance you could accidentally drop your daughters phone in the loo? First getting the "16yo gf's number" Then take her shopping for a nice new phone but block that number permanently ( I',m not sure if you can do that but the guys at the apple genius bar will certainly be able to help. Don't ring"dad" from your phone either, Use a friends random landline or a public phone.
Some people have no idea how crazy some 16yo girls ( and boys ) can be, If she turns up at your house call the police immediately. That was my mistake letting her stay just the one night. Dumb, dumb dumb. She was after my son not a daughter it was still terrible. I guess I knew at least she was real as she would sneak in our house so you are a step nehind there, Bloody hell. Good luck. Turns out she had BPD and the parents were ignoring it. Took 4 years to get rid of her so keep a careful eye out OP. Best wishes

Adding my voice to the do not contact the"dad". @jcsc
The police are the ones to advise on this.

Well done, and try not to panic bout how angry she is right now. You’re doing what you need to do to keep her safe, and hopefully once she is a bit calmer her big brother will be able to help her start to see that. I think it’s very good advice from PPs to focus on the relationship dynamics rather than her age while explaining to her why you are doing what you’re doing.

I agree, please do not contact the dad.

Contact CEOP
https://www.ceop.police.uk/ceop-reporting/

Well done, but I really don't think you should contact the 'dad' just yet.

Wait and get police advice first

YANBU!!

This is not a 16 year old girl. This is a catfish. Why would a 16 year old girl (who would obviously be in school) get angry at your DD for not texting her AT SCHOOL?

Major red flag

Well done @jcsc you are taking practical, positive steps to improve the situation. It will really help if your DD’s friends are on board with what you are doing as they won’t want to facilitate contact with the GF by lending/buying devices/phones or passing on messages. Definitely sensible to get your sons support with understanding the tech side of things and ensuring the school are aware - they might be inclined to focus some lessons/assemblies on healthy relationships and online safety.

Your daughter doesn’t actually hate you, she just thinks she does because you are standing in the way of what to her is a real relationship with a person she believes she loves. Her feelings are real to her so don’t try to minimise that, it will only make her angrier. Tell her that you understand her feelings but that your job is to protect her and from an adult perspective this is an unhealthy relationship for anyone to be in, regardless of age. Don’t make your shutting down of the relationship focused on her age, she needs to know this type of abusive situation is unacceptable at any stage of life. The fact she’s too young for such an intense relationship is not something she will likely acknowledge but you may be able to get her to view the behaviour as toxic once she’s calmed down a bit. Only once she has accepted this relationship is over and is abusive would I address the issue of age appropriate relationships.

There is a tendency to be more flippant (by everyone, not you specifically) about same sex relationships between teenage girls as there appears to be less danger (eg pregnancy) but this is a mistake as abuse and toxicity can be present in any age/gender relationship. Emotions run deep at this age and it is so easy for a young person to be coerced/pressured into doing all sorts of things because their brains aren’t fully formed yet and are poor at risk assessing and thinking through long term outcomes.

she currently hates me.
Then you are doing a good job!
OP I know you may be feeling a bit piled on which is not helping you in your current circs but hopefully the advice has helped you and will be a wake up call to other parents reading this. You have had the courage and good sense to shout out for help.

Well done OP. Definitely get clued up on the online world ASAP as it's absolutely terrifying what goes on. And yes, do speak to the police for advice as if anything, there may be other parents who have reported this kind of situation/this individual. That's how that recent sick individual in the news was caught.

Even if this GF is real, there are so many red flags about her behaviour towards your DD, who is a child. And FFS, why is the "dad" telling a 14 year old child he's never met that "they all love her"?!! Dodgy as hell!

Your daughter may hate you know but better that than her continuing to be, at best, in a controlling fantasy of a relationship, and at worst, groomed by some sick nasty individuals. Keep talking to her and, if you can and she'll listen (maybe her older brother could help here), educate her as well as yourself about the online world.

https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/home-family-life/technology/checking-tracking-your-childs-phone/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsoe5BhDiARIsAOXVoUv9ZqE-i-Gs2U-5d_X9EtEQMSRn2MzSCa8Px5SfMksIvodWWabGVaMaAoN0EALw_wcB

https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/home-family-life/technology/keep-teenager-safe-online/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsoe5BhDiARIsAOXVoUt2s84yTqJsX_nWh6stbebSzyPJDIgCHq_pNOszxde3PRuwODC7GUwaAn1qEALw_wcB

Sometimes, we have to save our kids from themselves.

I hope the police will help giving you clarity.

You are a great mum, and being a great mum sometimes results in our kids hating us for a bit. Thats the cross we bear to ensure they grow up safe and happy.

You’ve done the right things OP as hard as they might be.