DH refers to himself as my “Dad”

My DH calls me Mum I say I'm not your mum (children left home years ago) no he says but you are THE mum, I hate it which is why I think he keeps doing it

Agree. Toxic, abusive, controlling on a power trip, not an example for children to grow up with.

When I saw your initial title, I assumed: a) he was older and joking about looking like your dad; b) it was a cultural thing, like some Latina women calling their partners "papi"; or c) he was just struggling to switch from "mum and dad" mode back to adult mode.

But having read your posts, it’s clear he’s a belittling, boundary-trampling knob-womble.

Even if he's not using this language in the bedroom, it’s clearly a power play with sleazy undertones. As disturbing as the language is, I’m more concerned by how he gaslights you, dismisses your feelings, and weaponises your ADHD to put you down.

If I’ve got this right, he’s been told to stop but keeps ignoring you. This seems to give him a thrill—imposing his will and language on you. His "spontaneous" hugs and kisses are less affectionate and more about scaring or unsettling you, and his so-called "banter" about wives being property is just toxic.

The fact you have sons makes me think he’s using "daddy" to assert himself as the primary figure in your life, grinding you down to feel dependent on him.

Please, consider making plans to leave. This isn’t just a "weird habit"; it’s a cluster of coercive, demeaning behaviours that scream “danger Will Robinson.” Set yourself and your boys free from this bullshit.

And yes, the chances are high that this language ties to a sexual kink and porn habits —"daddy" and "praise" kinks come to mind. I’m all for "you do you," but not when it’s imposed on unwilling people.

I strongly suspect that this type of porn has buttered his parsnip precisely because of the dominance and power subtext. The issue isn’t kink itself but that he’s a nasty controlling shit gibbon WITH that proclivity.

As someone with ADHD who’s left a toxic relationship, I say: you can do this. A happier life for you and your boys is possible without him.

That's just weird AF! I'm not surprised you have the Ick. Every time he says it shout 'STOP' loudly so it brings the attention to. If it's a habit he might not be that aware he's saying it so by calling him out on it every time he'll be more aware & hopefully stop. explain to him it upsets you & that your child has picked up on it & you don't want them thinking it's normal, as it so isn't. If he doesn't stop try reversing it & doing it to him. Call yourself Mummy & over praise him in a patronising way. Hopefully he'll see how Icky it is & stop himself from doing it to you.

It used to be a thing. A lot of the older generation did it. I’m not sure that is exactly the same as what is happening in this case. It is weird when only one partner does it.

Tell him to shut up each time he does it. Loudly. Even if you are in public.

Tell him if he ever wants to have sex with you again to pack that in right now as it creeping you out!

Oooooo, no 🤮

Seriously I think your not safe around your children

Seems petty, but that would be a deal breaker for me- I see it as definitely infantilising.
Tell him to stop, if he doesn't, go to therapy or ditch him.

I was once dating someone who once said to me ‘good girl’ in a normal conversation. It shocked me abit and I never said anything just brushed over it. It happened again and I just stared at him like he was batshit and said ‘what did you just say? I think my vagina just sealed closed. Don’t say that again’
it embarrassed him and he didn’t say it again. We ended not long after I’d got that major ick

That kind of language, thought and behaviour are not compatible with modern notions of gender equality. We are not in Afghanistan!! Not correct standards are being set with that kind of language. Wrong vibes being transmitted to others (growing up) members of a family, not just the immediate family. STOP!! PLEASE!!

I had this kind of twattiness , with 3 guys but I was groomed by my mother to think it was normal. Married 2 of them till they twatted too far, as mother did. I see the signs here. Red flags abound. Shame that it took me so long to learn but I do try to help now so others don’t make my mistakes…while recognising some guys are just idiots, not monsters

I wouldn’t shout. If you think he has enough of the traits to make you think he might be NPD you need to get out for sure. He will just call you crazy for shouting and use it against you later. Even if he is just high on the spectrum.
You do need to leave as soon as you can or throw him out, depending on where you live..renting, owning , co owning etc see a solicitor. He can’t be fixed. He will weep and wail crocodile tears and / or rage , maybe both if he is losing control.

It's one of those "harmless" things that is still repulsive, OP - it's hard to dress this up as a good thing in a marriage, whatever way you look at it, sorry!

Im not a shouter either in my day to day life, but if someone had been eroding away at my boundaries for so long and deliberately ignoring when I, and their children, ask them to stop - yeah I would get shouty at that point. Actually, I would have left years before it got to that point

Personally I wouldn’t shout at him, because shouting isn’t my thing. I don’t see the point in shouting when talking will do. I kinda feel like if I need to raise my voice, I’ve already lost the argument. Same with kids tbh 😂

I would be more inclined to ask him why he started doing it to begin with, where it’s coming from and why he hasn’t stopped when you’ve asked him to.

Google DD/lg, if need be, and show him it.

“Is this what you’re doing, because if it is, it’s not for me and it either stops or we’re not compatible anymore.”

Completely reasonable that it’s not for you, you don’t have to be into it, but I’d be essentially forcing a conversation about his quite obvious kink, at this stage.

But you are meek - you have told him multiple times you dont like multiple things, and you haven't escalated beyond telling him - where is your anger at him for this? I get its tiring - we're all tired, but keeping on doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome is madness. He hasnt changed because you are meekly saying I dont like it, and when he says oh I shouldnt say that you just agree. Years of putting up with this does make you meek.

And yes, even if you dont realise it, you are playing into the dom and sub roleplay in front of your 9yr old and even he is trying to tell you how sick it is, but even that hasnt been enough for you to find your anger and make it stop.

Do you realise you have the power to make it stop? You shout, you get fucking angry. And if that doesnt work, you leave

OP you need to completely lose your shit with this letch.
if he refuses to stop tell him to leave - you’re done and then grey rock
What a complete creep 🤮

It’s bad if you have asked him not to and he persists. The persistence makes it bad

If you have indeed pulled him up as often as you say, then it’s time to grey rock as he is clearly getting a kick out of winding you up and getting a reaction.
Every time he says something like Daddy… or demeans or belittles you, don’t react. Grey rock. Ignore him. It’s clearly feeding him when you react.
if this is real, you need to get out

see a counsellor but alone. No point taking the H as he will just lie and twist things to blame her and make her seem crazy.
Personally, I think she should file for divorce and try to expedite it for the sake of her child.

@GingerBreadGinge "He says jokingly with a big smile in his face - “I own you” and “wives are property”

This isn't something that most men would say as a joke OP and most certainly not on a regular basis. What does he view online? What was his upbringing like? There is something seriously wrong here.