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Original poster

Why are all MILs so horrible?

289 replies

Janey638 · 29/10/2024 18:13

Does something happen to the mums of sons that makes them awful when they become a MIL? For years I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this site and I’m shocked by the amount of MIL posts, hardly any about the maternal mum. It looks like MILs are too overbearing if they want to hold a new baby, or too remote if they keep their distance. As a mum to three boys this all really depresses me. Literally does everyone hate their MIL?

OP posts:
Laska2Meryls · 29/10/2024 20:15

Mine was fantastic, sadly no longer with us .I miss her every day.. Along with my own Mum who I had a more difficult relationship with. But she was doing her best, as I try to do with my grown up children and their partners.. . Remember People only post about difficult relationships not the good ones..

Feelinadequate23 · 29/10/2024 20:15

Mine is great and I also loved the mums of both my teenage and my twenties boyfriends. I haven’t started threads about any of them as I didn’t need to vent and didn’t need any advice!

agree that a lot of it on here is just that it’s mainly a site for women so the MIL will mostly be mother of a son, whereas a site for men would have loads of them complaining about mothers of daughters!

MoneyTalksBSWalks · 29/10/2024 20:14

I always think Mothers who have never known real love from a romantic partner are the ones who go a bit crackers and hyper focus on their sons. Even though it’s a different sort of love obviously.

V0xPopuli · 29/10/2024 20:12

I do think blokes can be worse at maintaining contact with their mums tho.

I ring mine, so more plans get made etc. Its on DH to arrange to see his parents, and if he doesn't do it that often its kind of not my fault. I will arrange some stuff but I'm not his PA.

Thepossibility · 29/10/2024 20:11

We get on great now but at the start it was bad. DH was 18 and still at home so she felt like I was stealing her baby (only) boy.
Now she really appreciates me because her two SIL are much more problematic than me.
I appreciate her because although she's very judgemental, she would truly walk through fire for her kids and grandkids and my own parents are immature selfish people who should never have had children.

CurlewKate · 29/10/2024 20:09

You could just as easily say "Why are all DILs so horrible?"

Because as far as I can see it's six of one and half a dozen on here.

Gotabadfeelingaboutthis · 29/10/2024 20:08

Mine is lovely, very sweet and appreciative and I love her to pieces. I talk to her more than my DH does 😂 I try hard to keep in touch and send her photos and update her with news and include her in things, but she's also very respectful and easygoing which helps.

V0xPopuli · 29/10/2024 20:07

Mine's fine? She's very different to me, a bit cool & creative & I'm sort of the opposite. But she's lovely, not remotely overbearing.

5128gap · 29/10/2024 20:06

If MN is a barometer of the general attitude of women towards the mothers of adult sons, then as a mum of boys I'd say you should be worried. Because if these threads are anything to go by then you need to resign yourself to being seen as at best an inconvenient nuisance, at worst a jealous old fool with an unhealthy attachment to your son if you speak to him more than once a week or ever see him alone.
The only way to escape this is to provide unlimited childcare under strict micromanagement and be humbly grateful if you get to wave to your son across the street ever second Christmas. Provided your DiL has no other plans.
Fortunately though OP I believe these threads are not reflective of the real world. My DiL is a delight and we love each other. My MiL, likewise. So take heart, because if your son chooses wisely you may never encounter any of the hostility and ageism that you see here and will have normal relationships like normal people.

Evaka · 29/10/2024 20:05

Mine is a superstar and my MIL from first marriage was lovely if a bit intense. However, her other two kids in law didn't like her much so I think it just boils down to tolerance and acceptance in some cases. One of my dearest friends hates her in laws with a venom that scares me and I cannot really see why. They're odd but not monsters!

Grapewrath · 29/10/2024 20:04

Mine is crap- can’t think of a nicer word. However my ex bf mum and step mum were amazing and I bet they are incredible MILs.
I also get in really well with dd long term partner and don’t think he’d have any complaints either.

Drivingoverlemons · 29/10/2024 20:04

My MIL is lovely. Bonkers but lovely.

I think the issue of control at the heart of most DIL/MIL problems. I don’t personally take all the MIL threads at face value given it is one side of a story.

Original poster
Janey638 · 29/10/2024 20:03

AskNot · 29/10/2024 19:55

Maybe MILs of sons are just horrible people? Unlikely.

Or maybe DILs are horrible people? Unlikely.

Or maybe all women are horrible people? Unlikely.

Or maybe some women are difficult and they're likely to be the same kind of people who are difficult DILs and MILs?

I often think that the DILs on here complaining about their MILs are the high maintenance, controlling types who are also going to be the nightmare MILs of the future.

Easy going DILs who are tolerant of their MILs are likely to be the future easy going MILs tolerant of their DILs.

So the question to ask youreslf is: Am a good DIL? If so I'll probably be a good MIL. And everything will probably be OK.

Edited

This is a good way to look at it

OP posts:
IreneGoodnight · 29/10/2024 20:01

MozartsMothballs · 29/10/2024 18:20

When my husband left for the OW. I think I felt worse about the loss of my MIL than him.

Same here.
Losing my very sweet MIL (all three of her children were boys) was my one regret about my first marriage ending. I know that she was upset about the situation as well.

Original poster
Janey638 · 29/10/2024 20:01

kittykatsupreme · 29/10/2024 19:42

They aren't at all horrible of course not. There is usually competitive friction - most often lead and started by the wife who is jealous and wants to feel sure she is Queen Bee.

Where there is friction it is a two way process, more often than not driven by the daughter-in-law's insistence that her DH demonstrates again and again SHE is more important than his mother ever was and by setting little 'tests' to prove it.

There is no need for it because the DH has love enough for both but many wives can't accept this and view the MIL as competition. There are SO many threads on here where this is evident. There was a ridiculous one recently where the wife was having a tantrum because the DH wanted to have dinner with his mother. It was clear as day that it wasn't about this because she obv didn't want to have dinner with them but it was more a test - a point of principle - his time and attention must be on me first. If I say no, I HAVE to win. This is just rooted in jealousy and very sad.

MIL mostly love their sons and want the best for them. So will not be predisposed towards women they perceive as treating their sons poorly - first possible point of friction. Second point of friction- is wives/gf of the son who they perceive to be trying to upset a previously loving harmonious relationship by pulling these little 'tests' to prove they as the wife/gf are more important (DH you must spend mother's day with me and my mother anhd not your mother (until they have children), then DH you must spend every single mothers day all day with me, my mother and our children and not go anywhere near yours otherwise you can't possibly love me and I will sulk - this type of thing).

It's all very very sad and totally avoidable but alot of wives are jealous of the relationship and go all out to queer the pitch and turn the son against the MIL ('sigh, do we HAVE to see your Mother again this weekend, she's such a bitch to me') which then does not endear the MIL to them.

Not all relationships are like this obvious but you can see this theme radiating out of so many complaints about MIL on here.

So this is often what I see in posts. It’s not the ones where there is clearly a problem, but the ones where it is Mother’s Day, or Christmas Day or is it unreasonable if I miss my MIL birthday meal? The smaller stuff that generally shows a lack of interest in MIL and that they are very much the extended extended part of the family.

OP posts:
1bub1pup · 29/10/2024 20:01

Mine isn't. Love my MIL. Also, for some reason, like reading about people with Bad ones.

I do wonder if my DM is the nightmare MIL for my DH though. (But I do love her)

Edingril · 29/10/2024 20:01

Well if people on here said how great their relationship is with their mil people would be called greedy and told thry cant say it as people have mental issues and can't handle when others have good things people need to hear bad things to make them feel better about themselves

Warped view of life but I have a great mil

Lavender14 · 29/10/2024 20:00

Another one who has a lovely and supportive mil.

Let's not blanket statement

Raveonette · 29/10/2024 19:58

Mine was lovely

AskNot · 29/10/2024 19:55

Maybe MILs of sons are just horrible people? Unlikely.

Or maybe DILs are horrible people? Unlikely.

Or maybe all women are horrible people? Unlikely.

Or maybe some women are difficult and they're likely to be the same kind of people who are difficult DILs and MILs?

I often think that the DILs on here complaining about their MILs are the high maintenance, controlling types who are also going to be the nightmare MILs of the future.

Easy going DILs who are tolerant of their MILs are likely to be the future easy going MILs tolerant of their DILs.

So the question to ask youreslf is: Am a good DIL? If so I'll probably be a good MIL. And everything will probably be OK.

Carpr · 29/10/2024 19:55

They aren't, it's just that you are thrown together to be close to someone for no other reason than by marriage to their child and that person is maybe not someone you would choose to be close to

jumpintheline · 29/10/2024 19:52

Mine’s fine. I don’t adore or dislike her. She can be bossy and a bit annoying, but basically she’s a nice woman with her heart in the right place.

Chicheguevara · 29/10/2024 19:52

My late MIL was brilliant. She was the loveliest person in the world. FIL and youngest SIL however, not so much.
FIL would slap my backside as I passed. I don’t care that the SILs put up with it. I wouldn’t and told him so. To the point of telling him that if he did it again, I would break his hand - he left a bruise as he smacked out so hard.
Youngest SIL was just a cow and a bully. Or at least she tried to bully. Sadly for her, I have a backbone and was having none of it.
I used to take MIL shopping, after her hip replacement and she wanted me to run, when I pushed her wheelchair, so she could go faster down Asda’s aisles. She was kind, thoughtful and just a wonderful person.

wanttokickoffbutcant · 29/10/2024 19:51

I love my MIL - she is annoying at times but I knocked the controlling shit on the head very early and all been good since. Been married for 20 years, together 25 and MIL just turned 80. She has been the best mum, MIL and grandma and I will miss her very much when she isn't here anymore.

JaninaDuszejko · 29/10/2024 19:50

I love mine, she is lovely and patient and great with the kids. I'm a far worse DIL. My MIL is much lovelier than my Mum but my SIL loves my Mum more than her own Mum and I think Mum loves SIL more than me or DSis so it all depends on perspective.

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