Why are all MILs so horrible?

I had a great MIL. Both my daughters have kind, supportive, lovely MILs who they love dearly. We love them too.
OP, when the time comes remember that you no longer control your sons and their families lives when they have their own family. This seems to be the cause of many problems on here. Also give any future DIL a bit of slack when she has her own children. She may be OK with her own mother visiting when she is struggling with BF, but not her MIL.

Mine is a nice person, a wonderful Grandma. But my DH is her only child, and she is a bit obsessive about him. If she observes him and I having a minor disagreement, she is all 'son, are you OK, let me rub your head so you feel better'. If she sees him doing any housework she is 'poor you, you must be so tired working so hard AND then having to do the cooking etc' - which feels like she is implying I should be doing it. DH does pull her up on this occasionally, but actually only makes it worse as she thinks I have put him up to it (I havent) so I asked him to leave it.

But she is fantastic with my girls, helps out with them loads, and they adore her. So I have learnt to ignore the bad bits and laugh about how ridiculous she sometimes is!

My MIL was a wonderful lady. My own mother is a complete arsehole.

Posts on here are often like a snapshot in time.
I get along well with my mil generally and she has been very generous and supportive in lots of ways. However she was a bit overbearing when my dd was born. I think she was worried that she was going to be left out. At the time I was stressed and depressed and sensitive and some of the things she did I could imagine going on here and venting about (I wasn’t on mn at the time) but then time moved on. Mil realised that she wasn’t going to be left out, she calmed down, my mh improved, I got less sensitive and everything was fine. I can’t even remember specifics of the things that pissed me off any more yet I can remember being very upset at the time 🤷‍♀️

I think because on here, you come for a moan. No one would start a post saying my MIL is so amazing I want to tell you all. On the same footing, we should all hate our DHs, LTB before they cheat etc 😂

Personally though, my MIL is vile to me and my DH. I have two boys and am determined to have a good relationship with their future partners.

I’m a MIL. I get on really well with both my daughter in law and son in law.👍

It’s a bit of a generalisation to think we’re all awful - some adult kids/in laws are bloody awful as well. 🤷‍♀️

My in laws don't have the easiest of lives and are complicated people but they are always polite to us and don't interfere.
If anything DH suffers from their lack of proactive contact.

I think it's hard for him to see my own parents put in more effort. I can't complain about my MIL though, she has not caused us any trouble.

Well I have a disinterested mil and my own mother so 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think it's less about the title or change in relationship but those women specifically. Do they have good boundaries? Have they got good communication skills? Do they know how to show love and affection? How is their conflict resolution skills? How happy and settled are they in their own life Do they feel the need for control or do they feel they've lost their role?

My mil felt very threatened by me at the start she would re do things in our house to her preference she'd ignore me and her son if we didn't do what she wanted. All very passive aggressive. She's mellowed thank god but I do remember being really dissapointed that I wasn't welcomed into the family in what felt a loving way. But held at a distance like a threat. Especially as I already have a mother who doesn't know how to be a parent. Our roles are reversed sadly. I was so looking forward to feeling a little cared for or looked after but it wasn't fair on me to have those expectations. They are just two people who lack some really vital skills for relationships.

I only have boys so I may very well be a Mil one day. I'm hopeful I won't be a awful one and will keep myself in check! I certainly don't think I know best and will be very flexible/laid back. I'm hoping I won't suddenly forget what it's like being a Dil.

My MIL is nice. She has her funny aspects but so do we all.

I have a theory about why there seem to be lots of terrible MILs and no terrible DILs and it's not ageism. My mother was a difficult and sometimes abusive woman but she had a decent enough relationship with my paternal grandma, I think because at that time she was young and was working and I was a kid and my dad was still alive so she had plenty of victims closer to hand than my gran. By the time I had my kids, she was retired and my dad had died so she had fewer options for victims. People don't become more evil as they get older but they do need to cast the net outside their own home for victims, and then cross swords wuth their son or daughter in law who are unfamiliar with abusive behaviour in family members and so come on to likes of Mumsnet to try and get an explanation.

I had the most wonderful MIL, and she taught me how to be a wonderful MIL to my son’s fiancée, who is like a daughter to me…

I’m a mil and I like to think that my daughter in law and I get on well. I had a difficult one myself ( she died a few years ago ) so I am hyper aware of not interfering at all and being pleasant and respectful to her and not being overbearing. They also don’t live that close by which helps too I think. I’d hate to think she doesn’t like me.
She is very nice and was happy to let me hold their new born ( my lovely granddaughter) and we seem to get on, but I am also aware that I’m not her mum too.
Family dynamics can be tricky though.

Bad dils become bad mils.

Overbearing boy(or girl in some cases but since this is Mumsnet not dadsnet we will use boys) mums become bad mils, you know the types. She’s stolen my baby, the boys who could never do wrong and must never lift a finger because mummy will do it. Still arranged his doctors appointments and dentist though his an adult and has an opinion on every inch of his life. Maybe even believes every women is a gold digger or trying to baby trap her poor ikkle baby who earns just above minimum wage Prince.

Then there are normal mils.

My MIL is fine. She's not amazing and she's not terrible.

I preferred my MIL to my DH (he’s alright obviously, she did a good job of raising him). She was an amazing person.

One of my DILs is expecting. I've already warned her that she's going to hate me when the baby arrives and she will find everything I do and say irritating. But it won't last and by the time the baby is about six months old we'll have our old happy relationship back.

I don't know why this tends to happen - MILs thinking they know how to bring up a baby and wading in with advice while DILs know their own baby and are feeling their way, maybe feeling a touch insecure? My own MIL took my baby son during a day out when he was about four months old, and I was filled with rage - she only took him to look at a fancy car!

So although I adore all my DILs (I have three), and I keep my distance and don't interfere, I know that they probably all mutter that I'm not involved ENOUGH, but I'd rather have it that way round.

It's MN, it's written from the point of view of perfect DILs who think that once she has a ring on her finger then she is number one and her husband only has one family whereas not only does is he expected to ditch his birth family, he has to accept his MIL without question!
There are probably as many awful DILs an there are awful MILs.

Also, my mum was an amazing mum and a bloody saint to me and my siblings, but I can see she was a bit more prickly with my SIL. Now my SIL is also not always the easiest person to get on with - I like her a lot but we’ve had our moments - so maybe it could just be down to clash of personalities.

But also there was some typical ‘my precious boy’ stuff going on too with my mum. Or she’d moan about SIL if they weren’t coming for Christmas or didn’t call enough - my sisters and I did point out to her that it was her son she should be taking it up with. My mum was a lovely woman and an amazing mum, and actually a really good MIL in some ways but I could see flashes of the stuff that people complain about on threads on here - it’s not so hard for me to believe that there’s lots of other MILs like that and worse.

I agree.

And I'm a dil not a mil.

I like my mother in law just fine. I’m not going to be one of the posters gushing that I love her more than my own mum, I don’t. We’re not going to have a mother/ daughters type relationship - I lost my own mum a long time ago and met DH in my mid 30s/ didn’t have DD till 40 so I was probably a bit too fully formed to need that type of input/ support/ relationship with her. We get on, she’s a good person - but like with all of DH’s family just very different to me and my family and I don’t ever feel fully relaxed, they frustrate me no end at times and I probably do them but we’re all far too polite to say anything and we’re all good people who love DH and love DD.

I have no problem believing that there are a great many awful MILs out there - there’s a great many awful people, damaged people, difficult people and many of them will go on to become mothers and therefore MILs. How weird of the previous posters to say they don’t believe there’s that many - of course there is, just like there’s that many bad husbands, bad doctors, bad teachers or police officers or whatever. And yes there’s probably that many terrible DILs too.

It’s weird to take it personally and I find it odd when people are saying ‘it’s more likely to be the DIL’ - why is it more likely? Based on what evidence? It happens when they pile on a thread of a woman who is having real issues to be all ‘justice for Mothers In Law, it’s probably your fault!’ It’s a really strange defensiveness and projection going on.

Mine is wonderful. I love her to bits and can't imagine life or our family without her in it. She has been more of a mum to me than my own mother has.

Mine is great and my own mum was a wonderful MIL to my SIL (my sil would be the first to say this).

My dh mum died when he was a young adult, she sounded so lovely I’d love to have got the chance to be her dil. Dh says my mum was a lovely MIL, sadly now neither of us have our mums. My mum just never interfered never expected anything and was so happy I’d married such a lovely person, she was the best mum so I knew she would be a great MIL. Both are greatly missed.

On a more serious note. I think that you should aim for cordial, and anything else is a bonus. I get on well with my mil, but we are different generations, politics, level of education-the list goes on . It would be amazing if we were friends. She and I only have a very short shared history. She is a great mum and a great grandmother- her primary relationship is with her son and her grandchildren. They are the ones with the shared history. I do my bit towards facilitating that relationship. Apart from that, as I said, we’re very cordial towards each other and it would be a bit unreasonable to expect anything more. I know for some people their mil is like a second mother to them, but I do think that’s quite unusual.

I love mine. I find her calming and down to earth. I find that all my stress melts away around her. She’s the best.

Most mn users are heterosexual women, so obviously most of the MILs being moaned about are going to be mothers of sons. If this was a site for men we'd see more moaning about mothers of daughters. And nobody posts to say "everything's cool, no problems", in relation to MILs or anything else.

And there's a lot of women on MN complaining about how their own mothers are awful. Because some people, of both sexes, are. Crappy people exist, and a lot of them are some poor sod's parent or PIL.