Birthday cake without parents?

AIBU to want to be with DD when she has a cake and is sung happy birthday the first time she really understands it all?

No, I don't think this is unreasonable. If she's invited wider family, why wouldn't she invite you? It's a weird thing to do.

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her?

I do think this is something you don't need to worry about though.

You are, kindly, over thinking it massively.

She's 3... she's going to think 'oh goody, cake' not 'why isn't my Mummy here, doesn't she love me?'.

She may think it is her birthday, but then there is a good chance she's going to think it is her birthday every friday from now until next actual birthday, in the hopes of more cake and presents... because she's 3. She will probably do the same with christmas as this will be the first year she's really grasping that idea too.

Let her have cake! And do it all again on her actual birthday and point out it is her actual birthday. She will be thrilled, because... cake and presents and people she likes/loves.

This really should be something they asked you about beforehand, and you should feel comfortable to tell them you'd rather they didn't.

The fact that neither party does suggests that they should not be looking after DD without a parent being there. The relationship isn't functional enough.

i look after my grandchildren, but I certainly would not do anything like this!
It will be the first cake she has and the parents need to be asked if this is ok and do they want to come.
Parents have the right to the ‘main event’ with their children.
My children would not want 2 birthday cakes because of the extra sugar (I also care about extra sugar too)

I wouldn't mind if it was done after the birthday and we'd done our own thing first, but not the other way round.

She can have multiple birthday celebrations, it’s fine.

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her?

Yes of course you are. Other people doing things for your child will not negate her love for you. She only has one mum and she already knows who that is. Let her enjoy the cake and you can make a big fuss with cake and presents on her actual birthday.

As a childminder we often did cake for all the children if it was someone's birthday either before, after or sometimes on the day itself. I can guarantee you that not one of those children ever felt less love for their mother or enjoyed their birthdays any less because they had more than one cake

Perhaps MIL doesn’t want to interrupt your ‘day off’ from looking after DD.

Ask DH to drop into conversation that it’s a shame he’ll miss it but luckily you don’t have any plans and could come along.

This is about your feelings rather than your daughter’s. I don’t think she’ll give you being there or not a second thought. She is still too young to interpret it any meaningful way. It’s just a bit of fun.

So if you’re available, why are your pil having her?

I disagree. This is granny making a powerplay to be first and therefore more special.

Yeah, this. Let your child have two cakes! It's about HIM after all, not YOUR feelings. The actual day will be special, and you can sing with cake then.

Have cake and candles with your daughter and husband the day before she goes to her grandparents.

Would you usually be there when she’s with them every week? If not then they probably just thought they’d do a nice for her birthday whilst she’s there as she’ll be away for her actual birthday with you. I think it’s lovely that they thought to do this for her.

She gets two celebrations, what's not to like. It takes a village to raise a child and it seems like she has one if aunts, etc will also be there. They may well think it's a bit mean of you to take her away for the first birthday she will really enjoy and possibly remember. I'm sure you could invite yourself to the celebration if you want to be there.

That's so overly precious and uptight though. These things really, really don't matter in the grand scheme of things, and to attach such weight to them is just going to cause unnecessary stress for everyone.

My kids often had a cake at nursery a day or two before their actual birthday. Just a nice thing to do. They enjoyed it just as much when we did it again at home on the day itself.

All the extended family are taking time off work to go to MILs for birthday cake etc for your child and they haven't asked if you / DH would like to be there?

In that case Gramny won't mind doing it the week after her birthday will she?

You’re overthinking it. You can celebrate her birthday with her and her Dad on holiday when it actually is her birthday.

This is a nice little bonus her grandmother is arranging while she looks after her.

Call MIL and say Dh says you are doing cake for DD. what time do you need me to get there so I am in time for that?

Totally overthinking it, let her grandmother have cake with her!

Ps if they’re not minding then just go along with her!

Is the one day a week they have her free childcare? And is the cake on the same day they usually have her? If so, I think it's just like having birthday cake at nursery or childminders? If it is a specially planned occasion, and DD is invited, but not you, then I think that's a bit strange.

Either way, DD will enjoy the cake and attention. She definitely won't equate it to you not loving her.