Birthday cake without parents?

This

I think you ARE probably overthinking it- she will just enjoy the fuss and then enjoy doing it with you even more for her actual birthday. I do think it’s really weird your MIL wouldn’t invite you though.

Yabu, it's not her actual birthday, it's her GPs doing something lovely to mark the day with people who aren't necessarily going to see her on her actual birthday, where as you and DH will! No different to school or nursery singing happy birthday to a kid whose birthday isn't until the weekend for example.

If you always over analyse things and think the worst, perhaps it's partly why you don't get on so well with these family members, I'd find this attitude annoying too, it's like you're looking for problems where there are none.

I think you’re mixing up different issues. I don’t think this is anything to do with your daughter for a start. When DS was that age, he certainly had different ‘parties’ with different parts of the family, including cake and candles, not all of which DH or I were present for. If you don’t trust your PILs with your child, that’s an entirely separate matter, but I don’t think inviting a family member your DH has an issue with to a party in their house suggests anything about your DD’s welfare is at issue. They can invite whoever they like to their house, and omit personality clashes from the invitation list. Or are you saying that you think that they can’t invite a family member to the birthday of a three year old because they have beef with that three year old’s parents?

With the cake, I just said no! 🤣 basically, I told her that I had made a cake for DS, and decorated it the way he wanted (40000 chocolate buttons) and that if she wants to do something like buy a special cake for his birthday, she needs to tell me as obviously I had made appropriate plans. I have never refused to allow her to have a separate little cake or celebration though - she will whip out something for the dc at her house or whatever and it's fine.

With the person, it was a bit easier in that while the rest of the family were allowing him in, everyone knew that he was a problem. So we were able to say to MIL that our dc could only be around him when me or dh was there and even if she didn't agree, she would nonetheless respect that. With fil, he probably wouldn't have, but he was never the kind of grandparent who we left the children with alone so we just sort of dodged that bullet.

This

Well, yes!

If it makes the mother feel better, and it's not hurting anyone else, and her daughter gets to enjoy cake, what's the problem?

Seriously.

Why would anyone care?

Is that a serious question?

OP, situations liek this, with some variation, have happened in DH's family too.

My advice is to separate out the different issues.

IN terms of the birthday cake etc, lots of children will have a birthday tadition with a grandparent that is separate or different to with their own parents. That's okay. It will be normal and expected pretty quickly. Draw the line only when it's absolutely necessary - eg I had to tell MIL that NO, we would NOT be using the cake she had ordered specially... because she hadn't discussed it with me and I had made a cake, at DS' request. But if she wants to do a special cake with him on a spearate day, at her house, I have learnt to just shrug that one off.

The bigger issue is the manipulation with this other family member. They are purposesflly allowing and encouraging someone into your DD's life who you and your Dh are (I assume, based on your posts) attempting to go LC with, for good reason. THAT is a huge issue and potentially really problematic. Again, we had the potential for this to hapepn with us, but thank goodness, we clocked what was likely to happen and were able to put clear bondaries in place in advance and, whiel I'm sure MIL rolled her eyes a LOT, she did respect that boundary. FIL wouldn't have, but we were able to just work around him as he also wouldn't have ever gone out of his way to do something we didn't like.

What's wrong with being petty?

What a shame. I had given them the benefit of the doubt. It seems they thought their own agenda of this other person being there was more important than the wishes of the child’s father. I am assuming you wouldn’t particularly want your daughter around that family member. The more cake the better yes, but I would be really angry about this. I guess your intuition was correct as you said. What do you think you’ll do going forward?

Wow following your update I would not be having her go there once a week anymore and not on her own. Your mil sounds extremely manipulative and overbearing!

100% agree they are arrogant and high handed liars. They need rock solid boundaries from here on in.

I am not trying to upset you but l bet there are other things that have happened which they haven’t told you about or they have lied about

So three in total, just so op can get in first?
How is it possible to be this petty?!

I would attend if you can

If you're not usually available at the time DD's grandparents look after her, it is unsurprising that they haven't invited you. Don't worry about it. You can tell DD that this is part one of her birthday celebrations which will continue on holiday on her actual birthday. She'll just be happy to get two treats.

This is a symptom of a bigger problem but the actual event is a non-issue, DD really won't remember or care who did these things with her in a decade. These are your future memories they are upsetting not hers so try not to let it impact you. Do the cake and song with DC and DH on holiday as planned.

Edited due to update- new childcare and rock solid boundaries needed after your holiday. Don't send her there again if they are willing to override you on who will be around your dc

@Wondergirl1111 what an update 😲 it sounds like you will need to make other arrangements for childcare, as really how could you trust your in-laws after this?

Come on. It's SUPER passive aggressive to invite all and sundry extended family and not the actual parents.

I had thought that you might be overreacting, OP. Given the update, it's clear that you weren't.

In your place, I wouldn't be allowing them to organise anything else, given the lies involved.

Oh heck.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with such a manipulative shower.

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her

Yes you are. She wont even remember any of it. At that age it's a more a celebration for others than the actual child who will have no memory of it.

Why would you expect an invitation? If you want to be there then just go, its your child.

It's lovely of your MIL to get a her cake.

Edit: Just read your update after my post. I read it as she was 1 years old. Still don't think it makes a difference at 3.

However the rest of it is a rubbish move on their part.