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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend's daughters are so rude

187 replies

gabbimg · 29/10/2024 13:58

A bit of a delicate situation. My best friend has 2 teenager daughters, neither of whom say so much as "thank you" when I send them birthday/Christmas presents. In the past, I would always ask her what the girls would like for presents and friend would give me a few ideas. But in last couple of years I've stopped bothering to ask because I never get a thank you anyway. The girls have quite niche hobbies, so presents were usually centered around those. I'd order from specialist suppliers. It ended up being expensive and totally thankless so I've just started to send them a bit of chocolate and bath sets etc. AIBU to think it's just rude not to say thank you? My own kids are the same age as hers and I've always made sure they either write or message people to say thank you for gifts.

OP posts:
Cookiesandcream1989 · 29/10/2024 16:34

user1492757084 · 29/10/2024 16:02

If the girls say thank you to your face, at the time of giving, that would be polite enough for me.
If you post the gift, a thank you phone call, text, or a personal thanks when next you see them would suffice.

If the girls are not saying thank you at all, I would intervene (in an educational sense) every time by asking if they had received the gift and what they thought of it.
Remind them that you were worried it had not arrived.

A couple of those types of conversations should trigger them into being more well mannered.

If they never, ever instigate a thank you I would ask your friend whether your own girls have thanked her for their gifts from her and ask whether she realises that her kids never remember to send acknowledgement of any type.

There is only a short window left for your friend to have influence over her girls' manners.

This is an excellent response. OP, if you just stop buying presents then they'll all think there's something up but they won't know why.

I am embarrassed to say that when I was in my early 20s and very self absorbed with university and getting to grips with living on my own etc., my own manners were not always impeccable, and I received a few nudges very much as @user1492757084 has described, from close relatives, and they worked.

LetThereBeLove · 29/10/2024 16:33

IDontLikePinaColadas · 29/10/2024 14:07

My nephew is like this - it's his 30th this year and my DM has basically said she's not bothering to get him anything as you never get so much as a text message of thanks. I was always brought up to send thank you letters, and still do, as was his mother, but it doesn't seem to even register with him that a quick "thank you" might be a good thing to send. I think it's so rude to not even acknowledge a gift, especially if it wasn't given in person.

Both DDs were taught to write thank yous. They haven't encouraged DGSs to do the same. Infuriating and rude.

thebear1 · 29/10/2024 16:33

If your friend buys for your dd then I would still buy gifts for her, but I'd not go out of my way with their gifts.

BustingBaoBun · 29/10/2024 16:32

MartinCrieffsLemon · 29/10/2024 16:29

MN etiquette isn't always "normal"

Thanking when handed should be plenty but MN expects thanks afterwards too

Show quote history

I wouldn't expect another thank you if I handed over a gift and got a thank you. But when you post something for 18 years and never get a thank you?!

Sockmate123 · 29/10/2024 16:32

Extremely rude but I would just stop sending anything tbh

lonelywater · 29/10/2024 16:31

Bogginsthe3rd · 29/10/2024 14:10

It's very old fashioned to write thank you notes, you aren't a character in a Jane Austin novel!

its just good manners-another old fashioned thing we would be worse off without.

SilverChampagne · 29/10/2024 16:31

Bogginsthe3rd · 29/10/2024 14:10

It's very old fashioned to write thank you notes, you aren't a character in a Jane Austin novel!

Hmm

Clearly you weren’t raised with many social graces yourself.

TheFunHare · 29/10/2024 16:31

I was always brought up to send thank you cards but they are pointless! Your relationship is with their mother so you are buying presents for them out of responsibility. You can't be bothered to get something that they will like because it's too much bother. So what are they actually supposed to be saying thank you for. Would you expect the same if it was an adult friend? I'm sure you get a thank you when you hand over the gift or a text from the mum.

Ilovelifeveryverymuch · 29/10/2024 16:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Doteycat · 29/10/2024 16:31

I cannot abide not getting a thank you and have stopped getting things for people who cant be arsed saying thanks.
2 wedding recently, not a thank you to be seen.
Everything you could possible want in the way of a wedding, everything pinterest had to offer for "the perfect wedding" on display, absolutely beautiful.
but not a thankyou note to be seen.
Really poor behaviour IMO.

SuziQuinto · 29/10/2024 16:30

MartinCrieffsLemon · 29/10/2024 16:29

MN etiquette isn't always "normal"

Thanking when handed should be plenty but MN expects thanks afterwards too

Show quote history

No-one on here has said that? Thanks at the time, or if you don't see them, by text or WhatsApp.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 29/10/2024 16:29

Fluffyelephant · 29/10/2024 16:21

This thread is really eye opening in regards to people's expectations around thank yous for gifts..!

I must admit in my family we don't make a big deal of thanking people for gifts so this has never really occurred to me. When I was a child at Christmas I wouldn't even have any idea who had given what tbh. And even now no one gives me a gift who I don't see regularly so I would just say thank you at the time or the next time I saw them.

Reading these responses is making me feel terrible so I'll make much more of an effort to send a thank you note in future!

MN etiquette isn't always "normal"

Thanking when handed should be plenty but MN expects thanks afterwards too

SuziQuinto · 29/10/2024 16:29

Nanny0gg · 29/10/2024 16:27

So a Thank You call. Or text. Or bloody smoke signal

This is the age of instant communication. There is no excuse for bad manners and ingratitude

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This 💯

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/10/2024 16:28

Bogginsthe3rd · 29/10/2024 14:10

It's very old fashioned to write thank you notes, you aren't a character in a Jane Austin novel!

Or Austen, even

Nanny0gg · 29/10/2024 16:28

youheard · 29/10/2024 16:24

It's incredibly rude, my goddaughter and my niece are two who never thank me for very generous presents (my nephew her brother always thanks beautifully) - niece and nephew on dh's side never thank either. I'm not asking for a letter, a text saying thank you so much would be more than fine, but I don't even get that. My dc always have thanked the parents of these kids straight away with a text or an email. I am going to carry on giving goddaughter presents until 18 and that's it, niece until 25. It leave a very bad taste in my mouth.

Why?

Just stop.

Or 18 at the latest for both

Youvebeenframed · 29/10/2024 16:28

“Hi Debs, your gifts to the girls are always so lovely and well thought out, I know they’ve told you how much they love them. I’m obvs not as good as you, maybes we should knock the gifting on the head and just put the £’s towards a good day out all together once a year?”
A bit pass-agg but in a tricky situation needs must.
Her girls are fucking rude and it would fester for me every time I sent something from now on 😏

ElaborateCushion · 29/10/2024 16:28

We have a situation with some relatives of DH whereby they've always been given a tenner in their card and always send a (generic) thank you note.

Haven't actually seen the kids for years though as whenever we've been to their house, the kids don't even bother leaving their rooms to say hello!

DH stopped giving them anything the minute they turned 18 as he couldn't with the rudeness of being ignored!

Nanny0gg · 29/10/2024 16:27

Bogginsthe3rd · 29/10/2024 14:10

It's very old fashioned to write thank you notes, you aren't a character in a Jane Austin novel!

So a Thank You call. Or text. Or bloody smoke signal

This is the age of instant communication. There is no excuse for bad manners and ingratitude

AndThereSheGoes · 29/10/2024 16:27

I put it to my SIL that I wouldn't be getting my nieces and nephews anything ( after years of zero thank you's) so she need not bother with mine. Oh no, it's Christmas, she said. She would definitely get mine something and hers would be happy with token gifts. None of hers like chocolate apparently and they have sensitive skin so token gifts still require thought.
I bought books previously but one is dyslexic and hates reading and the others have no interest. That was a " thank you but...." from SIL Still it was the first thank you she bothered with.

Last year mine didn't get his gift until April as his present " wasn't ready" when I dropped theirs round. No thank you's again. It's really hard when people don't realise they are being knobs about Christmas.

SuziQuinto · 29/10/2024 16:26

It's even easier now - a quick WhatsApp message of thanks!
I can't imagine receiving something and not saying thank you, by some means!

MartinCrieffsLemon · 29/10/2024 16:25

Writing thank you letters isn't the done thing now

Do they even have your number or is it possible they assume/have asked their mum to pass the thanks on (assuming these aren't given in person)

ElaborateCushion · 29/10/2024 16:25

SuziQuinto · 29/10/2024 16:23

Jane Austen? No, however it's polite to find a way to say thank you. I wouldn't mock someone courteous enough to write a thank you card.

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Doesn't even have to be a thank you card. Once the kids are able to write themselves, they can send a text. My 9 year old DN doesn't have a phone but will, on his birthday, send me a thank you message via his mum's phone.

SuziQuinto · 29/10/2024 16:24

Backfromhols · 29/10/2024 16:16

YANBU I stopped buying for a friend’s daughter as I never got a verbal or written thank you.

I don't blame you. It's so rude.

youheard · 29/10/2024 16:24

It's incredibly rude, my goddaughter and my niece are two who never thank me for very generous presents (my nephew her brother always thanks beautifully) - niece and nephew on dh's side never thank either. I'm not asking for a letter, a text saying thank you so much would be more than fine, but I don't even get that. My dc always have thanked the parents of these kids straight away with a text or an email. I am going to carry on giving goddaughter presents until 18 and that's it, niece until 25. It leave a very bad taste in my mouth.

SuziQuinto · 29/10/2024 16:23

Tell your friend what you've told us.
Maybe she's oblivious.

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