Friend's daughters are so rude

Agree it's not always convenient to open it there and then, but as far as your last paragraph goes you're just wrong, certainly where I am concerned. Ego doesn't come into it. I love making someone happy with a carefully chosen gift. And yes the loving it is somewhat a 'me' thing, but personally I think taking pleasure in seeing that you've made someone happy is a nice part of human interaction. And plenty of people feel that way. There's enough in the world to be cynical about already, without digging for selfish motives around a predominantly happy thing like gift-giving.

I am curious, though, as to whether someone's ever had a go at you for not appearing pleased enough with a gift they've given you (in which case obviously they are in the wrong, that's just churlish), because parts of your posts have a somewhat butthurt feel to them...

Write in an empty card: "I hope the enclosed will bring you lots of fun and pleasure".
You'll have a text before the day is out.

Why are you still sending them anything?

I wonder do the parents know the girls are rude? Last year I has reminded DS to thank my family for sending stuff and got a smart answer, do you think I'm stupid that I don't know manners etc. I found out quite by chance months later that he had never thanked anyone.

Yep incredibly rude. We stopped buying for female relative when we didn't get a thank you.
On her significant birthday we were actually asked if we'd sent anything as she hadn't received it.
Felt so guilty we sent her money.
Still never got a thank you.
Obvs we should have said our reasons at the time but didn't want to cause an argument.
Never again!!
I was always made to sit down and write thank you cards. Nowadays a txt would do.
If they can't be bothered to do that why should we bother!!!!

It isn't always possible to open immediately for example if it's given at a party or handed over at work or fetched from the car just as you're leaving... it doesn't imply lack of interest at all. It's a lack of time.

That's a you problem. "Thank you for the gift" isn't the same as "Oh thanks for passing that over".

All this "appreciate the effort" crap is saying "make a fuss of me for what I did. Stroke my ego"

Well obviously sending a thank you when it's recieved is the same as being handed it

But it might arrive before the day so the thank you is not actually for the exact gift

Well in the first place I think ideally it's polite to open a gift there and then unless, say, it's for a birthday and it's not that day yet. Not doing so otherwise implies lack of interest/appreciation of the effort the person has made to get the gift imo.

And secondly the 'thank you' at that point doesn't really count in my book because it's just the normal 'thank you' you say when you take an item from someone unless you don't do that either it doesn't acknowledge the effort/thought put into the gift imo.

My friends tween daughter never says thank you, for anything. I've slowly withdrawn treats and any meaningful gifts, as the sense of entitlement grates.

So if it isn't physically handed over, what then?

Presumably you'd say thank you just so the giver knew you had received it if nothing else.

I like the sentiment of it being better to give than receive but I think some people take it too far.

My nephew (12) is the same. I usually post his gift. He's autistic and doesn't always pick up on social norms. What really got me was when we all actually exchanged gifts in person. I made sure my children (one of mine is also autistic) both said thank you, and SIL didn't even prompt him to say thank you. He just opened his gift and started playing with it.

Conversely, when we had a falling out with SIL and I sent it to his Dad I got a thank you, because his Dad made sure of it.

I still send a gift because it would cause massive family drama if I didn't and in the end, it's not actually his fault.

And not in mine

That's expecting extra thanks. "Happy birthday hands gift over" "Oh thank you as takes gift you shouldn't have. I'll open it later"

If they're stood in front of you as you open it, not saying thank you feels odd because they're there. But to go out of your way after the fact, so if it was given in advanced or at a time opening wasn't convenient, is just a nicety and not expected

Of course not, but a thank-you at some point after the gift has been opened is basic manners in my book.

A text fulfils the same function though.

I WhatsApp a video of DS to say thanks- he has special needs so writing is out. It might take a week of so for him to be in a place to do it but it always gets done eventually.

It's super simple - yes they're rude, there's no argument that can be made that they're not. Doesn't matter why they're rude, doesn't matter what your friend lets them away with it. Either put up with their rudeness or stop giving them gifts.

It's a societal norm , a basic courtesy to thank someone for a gift .
Maybe you were dragged up in which case this isn't the thread for you .

No kids would ever write or send a thank you card / text unless prompted by their parent.

The whole thank you debate is really a comment on the parent. Personally i don't think you should give presents to get thanks. If you aren't happy no getting a thank, stop.

I agree it’s rude but I also think that teens need to learn natural consequences. To avoid any issues with your friend I’d just tell her once that you’re stopping the gift giving and suggest she does the same for your daughters. I think it’s the parents’ role to ensure that gifts are acknowledged when children are young but most children of secondary school age should be able to manage it themselves. They may not even be bothered and might be happy for the gifts to stop.

My Aunts and a couple of my mum’s friends used to send my children gifts and tbh my children had no real understanding of who they even were as they had only met them once or twice in their lives (or in the case of my mum’s friends, never!). My aunts always made it very clear that they required a thank you letter (one aunt showed me her folder of thank you letters from her grandchildren and nieces/nephews). I used to make my children write to them but I stopped when they reached 12/13 and instead passed on the appropriate phone numbers and suggested they text or call instead. Now I leave it up to them to maintain their own relationships with these adults as they see fit. I feel like I’ve done my bit and they need the freedom to transition into adults and manage those relationships as they see fit.

Basildon Bond 🙈 that’s given me flashbacks.

Every year, without fail, after Christmas and birthdays, it was expected of me to sit up at the dining table and write thank you letters on Basildon Bond, with my fountain pen. If there wasn’t the luxury of a line guide included with the pad, I had to draw faint pencil lines using a ruler, then erase them once the ink had thoroughly dried. Acres of space to fill up with seemingly meaningless shite to relatives I barely knew but I’m sure were very grateful for my efforts. Hard work but it certainly instilled an iron-clad sense of responsibility in me to thank. And to pass that discipline on to my children.

Fast forward to 2010 and the discovery of notecards for my girls to quickly scribble in was a revelation to me. It certainly made the agony of getting them to write their thank yous a lot easier. Nowadays we have it so so easy with phones and texts! There’s no excuse not to thank at all, really. But up to a certain age I do think it’s up to the parents to enforce it.

We write thank you notes. It takes five minutes and acknowledges the effort made. I write often to family relatives too. It’s a lost art and it’s always been appreciated. A thank you in any form is acceptable, and it is very rude to say nothing at all.

Nobody expects copperplate writing on watermarked Basildon Bond, but a text, email or phone call should be within the capacity of most teenagers. Not saying thank you in any shape or form is just plain rude.

Didn't you ever question whether you were sending it to the wrong address?

The OP said that messaging would be fine too.

Do you insist people have to thank you multiple times?

If someone thanks me for a present when they recieve it, that's enough. It's nice to get a thanks afterwards as well but it's not required and I certainly don't think "well you don't deserve gifts from me any more"