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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I becoming a Cinderella?

38 replies

CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 12:01

Without the happy ending of course !
I’m just trying to see if someone else has been in similar position and any advice you might have if what I’m going through is ok.

Married for 6 years with a 15 months DC now.
I love my child and I am never bored around my DC, I can literally be with my DC all day long / going out or at home . However my issue is am I starting to lose myself in motherhood ? I have never looked more let down to be honest, I am staying at home mum now - my husband always has time for his hobbies which are gaming & gym - he doesn’t go out much it’s once in a while maybe to see his friends so he is at home but when he is doing his hobby he makes sure that I am
not allowed to ask for any help.
however today he wrote me a message that he will be busy even more now as he will be gaming 3 days a week x 3 hours( so 9hours a week, in the most crucial time when baby needs dinner and prepare for bedtime ) and plus going to gym.
it’s like a booked session so if the house is burning he will still go and start his session.

Since our DC was born he has never ever put her to bed, never woke up in the middle of the night to comfort her or to put her to bed as I’m with our DC All the time.

I’m still breastfeeding so it’s been 15 months of constant comfort & food from me
our DC never took bottle nor any other milk
I try so hard to give my DC cow milk but just refuses
I will ask for help so many times to wean DC off he really doesn’t care
i am cooking breakfast/ lunch / dinner every day
coffee/ tea / hot chocolate
when guests are coming im hosting food/ drinks/ doing shopping
im responsible for DC toys/ clothes selling/ buying so for my husband too
he might help with dishes occasionally but it’s always when it suits him
i just feel like im becoming a maid
or maybe im already one
and i feel this is all because im financially dependent on him - but it was a mutual agreement for me to stay at home not for him to take an advantage of me

OP posts:
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Original poster
CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 22:59

RampantIvy · 29/10/2024 22:50

Please do everything you can to get away. It won't get any better if you stay.

What do your family think of him?

It’s a very difficult one - if I had my family in the same country - I would have been gone tomorrow

it’s so tough
my mum never recovered since she witnessed him yelling at me in public ( he yelled at me because apparently I made us late 2 min at a show so we were waiting 5/10 min to enter as it already started)
my mum was obviously very worried since then as she thought that might have been happening every day and she got unwell very quickly after that :(

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 29/10/2024 22:50

Please do everything you can to get away. It won't get any better if you stay.

What do your family think of him?

Original poster
CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 22:45

NeckolasCage · 29/10/2024 17:08

To your family!

Pack up and go with your baby.

If you’re able to stay with them while you get on your feet and help out with childcare while you get a job that would be fab.

If the house is rented - fuck it.

If owned - file for divorce and force a sale, get your cut.

This isn’t a partner, this is a selfish lazy user. You don’t have to put up with it, you don’t have to stay with him.

Show quote history

The house is all his - but I don’t want anything from it tbh

im realizing now that he was always so well spoken in front of his family which live here in the uk but he has been yelling to me in front of my mum he has been yelling to my sibling he has been yelling in front of my dad to my sibling ….
I can’t stop crying …
he knew that he can’t yell in front of his family here the face he puts on when they visit etc ahh
I feel sick

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 29/10/2024 22:45

It sounds like he has checked out of family life and was never interested in being a father in the first place.

I would follow the advice that women's aid have given you. I don't think your husband would be fighting for custody TBH.

Good luck. You deserve better.

Sorry about your loss as well Flowers

Original poster
CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 22:41

SnapdragonToadflax · 29/10/2024 18:12

Do you have access to your passport, OP? I suggest you get it and hide it now, and start making plans to move back to your family.

I don’t think he will stop me - he is one of those who will say “ go if you would like “
but I got it with me thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 22:40

Catza · 29/10/2024 18:37

You go to women's aid and ask them for advice. You will be entitled to all sorts of support from the state. There may be a place in refuge until you can sort out accommodation. File for divorce, get 50% of his assets and child maintenance, then go back to work asap.

Show quote history

I have asked both women’s and and the national one - they both suggest that I start the move out soon without he knowing

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 22:39

category12 · 29/10/2024 18:23

She may have legal issues taking the child out of the country unless she gets his permission, depending on where they live, especially if it's intended as a permanent move.

Exactly this - It’s already hard and on the top of it this :(( ahh

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 22:37

KezzaMucklowe · 29/10/2024 17:18

Could you move to your family for a while. I know they're not in the UK.
Could you go to getva break and have some time to think ?

I have been away most of the summer - there were days where he won’t even ask how his child is doing, anytime we talked it was me initiating a conversation- he was literally gaming all day long

OP posts:
Catza · 29/10/2024 18:37

CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 16:13

Because I’m quite isolated, I’m far away from my family, where do I go with a 15 month baby, with no job no child support whatsoever ?

Show quote history

You go to women's aid and ask them for advice. You will be entitled to all sorts of support from the state. There may be a place in refuge until you can sort out accommodation. File for divorce, get 50% of his assets and child maintenance, then go back to work asap.

category12 · 29/10/2024 18:23

She may have legal issues taking the child out of the country unless she gets his permission, depending on where they live, especially if it's intended as a permanent move.

olympicsrock · 29/10/2024 18:21

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. He is really horrible and selfish. Get away from him. Return to your family. Both you and your child will be better off without him in your lives.

SnapdragonToadflax · 29/10/2024 18:12

Do you have access to your passport, OP? I suggest you get it and hide it now, and start making plans to move back to your family.

Motnight · 29/10/2024 18:07

KezzaMucklowe · 29/10/2024 17:19

What ever you do don't put up with this. You're worth so much more.

As is your baby.

This thread must be very hard to read, Op. I hope that it is helping you.

KezzaMucklowe · 29/10/2024 17:19

What ever you do don't put up with this. You're worth so much more.

KezzaMucklowe · 29/10/2024 17:18

Could you move to your family for a while. I know they're not in the UK.
Could you go to getva break and have some time to think ?

NeckolasCage · 29/10/2024 17:08

CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 16:13

Because I’m quite isolated, I’m far away from my family, where do I go with a 15 month baby, with no job no child support whatsoever ?

Show quote history

To your family!

Pack up and go with your baby.

If you’re able to stay with them while you get on your feet and help out with childcare while you get a job that would be fab.

If the house is rented - fuck it.

If owned - file for divorce and force a sale, get your cut.

This isn’t a partner, this is a selfish lazy user. You don’t have to put up with it, you don’t have to stay with him.

Maria1979 · 29/10/2024 17:02

CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 16:07

Now he is upset because I told him I think that’s selfish of him to increase his hobby time as I thought it’s already hard for me

and on the top of this anytime I ask him something he doesn’t like he keeps insulting me like “ cow, crazy, you are lost, idiot “

This is not a healthy environment for a child to grow up in OP. And it's not healthy for you. He's abusive and it won't get any better. You would be better off alone. Talk to your GP who can guide you further. You can make it on your own OP because you are already alone. You are eligible for benefits time to find work and daycare and pass by CMS who will calculate child support for you. This is not a life.

category12 · 29/10/2024 16:51

He's emotionally abusive, OP.

You need to regain your independence.

LottieMary · 29/10/2024 16:48

Why is he communicating with you by message? As everyone else has said this isn’t acceptable - yabu for accepting it

MissyB1 · 29/10/2024 16:46

You need to get a job (easier said than done I know), and see a solicitor about divorce and what you will be entitled to. You can't carry on like this it's no life.

Horses7 · 29/10/2024 16:41

He’s getting away with murder so far put a stop to it.

OneDandyPoet · 29/10/2024 16:39

CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 16:07

Now he is upset because I told him I think that’s selfish of him to increase his hobby time as I thought it’s already hard for me

and on the top of this anytime I ask him something he doesn’t like he keeps insulting me like “ cow, crazy, you are lost, idiot “

.

happytobee · 29/10/2024 16:34

Could you not tell he was this much of a dickhead before you had a child with him?

Original poster
CalmCat345 · 29/10/2024 16:19

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 29/10/2024 16:15

Has he been a twat? What do you mean 'not allowed help'? Can you go to your family? This will only get worse.

My family lives in another country - I lost my mum, my biggest support because of cancer last year :(

he just came back from work and he is not talking to me because I was brave enough to write a message “ I think you are being selfish increasing your hobby hours “ - he has been sarcastic since then and running around the house like a lunatic

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 29/10/2024 16:19

Agree - if you can go back to your family just go