Friend hasn’t brought up my pregnancy once

Wow!

Threw it in their face??

It's perfectly normal to share news of a pregnancy with a friend - and to expect some interest

Definitely not normal to not acknowledge but i’d think there would be a reason for it

OP what do you tend to talk about with this friend usually?

People are making lots of assumptions on this thread. The friend could be going through something related to infertility or struggling to decide whether to have children. Equally she could just be very self absorbed and not interested in any aspect of your life. Or she could just not be interested in children at all. Which is fine but depending on how strong the friendship is you might drift apart.

I think it's interesting that people are piling on the OP when the friends reaction to her miscarriage was 'children aren't the be all and end all'. Which doesn't sound very supportive really.

I would expect my friends to be mildly interested in my pregnancy. If I knew it was triggering for them I wouldn't go on about it. But if we met up for a mutually agreed coffee and I wasn't aware of any issue I'd expect 5 mins of chit chat on it yes! I think most people in the real world would.

Erm, I don't think you can compare a woman being told that she can't have children ever, or unable to have them without a lot of medical intervention and even then not guaranteed, with not being able to buy a house or have a partner.

The latter two are annoying and frustrating, but facing a life without being able to have the family you longed for is a form of bereavement that takes many years to come to terms with.

Now I get that, as a woman who doesn't have, never wanted and am totally bored with all things baby and pregnancy.....but the fact that you don't get it says all we need to know about you.

The response on here is very odd as most people would enquire how the pregnancy was going/how was the OP feeling, out of politeness if nothing else.

I would ask pregnant colleagues how everything was going, even if we weren't close friends. It's just normal human interaction.

But there is to talk about without talking about your body?

Ie how will you manage work /maternity leave?

Or -how you going to rejig your house?

Or -sny last minute holiday plans to squeeze in now?

If I wanted to avoid a pregnant woman I would not go out for a coffee with them-I'd just avoid them.

That's actually really nice to read. I hated all the attention when pregnant, especially people commenting on my body. It really is like you just become public property and it's all people see.

It is very unusual for a friend to not mention it so she is clearly struggling with something related to your pregnancy. I would leave it and accept this. Tell others about pregnancy related stuff and talk about other stuff with this person.

I wouldn't talk about someone's pregnancy unless they brought it up each time.

I'm not interested in babies but I know enough to know that things can go wrong and I don't want to be the person who gushes over how excited someone must be when the woman has had some really awful news she hasn't processed yet.

If you start talking about your baby, I will respond appropriately, but I'm not going to initiate that conversation. I'm happy for you, but you need to prompt me when to make happy noises.

I'm also aware that lots of people will only be talking to you about your baby, and while you're excited, you're more than just a mother-to-be.

Me not constantly bringing up someone's pregnancy is actually me trying to show them space and respect, so they can talk about the pregnancy if they want or not if they need a break. I'm not jealous. I'm not upset. I'm just trying to play to my strengths (someone who isn't that into babies) and offer you some time which can be more about the rest of your life if you want it to be.

But you make an effort even a 2 min chat about it for people you love and care about.

I’ve been on both sides OP. Your friends feelings are valid, so are yours.

Having a baby is a huge life event for you and it’s understandable to expect friends to speak about it or check in every so often. If you are getting married, new job, divorced, moving house etc you’re not expecting too much from a best friend to talk about it a little bit.

I have to admit I was also the friend who went quiet during a friend’s pregnancy. Friends were also quiet with me when I was pregnant too. Infertility, loss, unsure about having kids or not, not having a partner and worrying it won’t happen. Pregnancy is definitely a big trigger.

The fact she’s gone quiet or doesn’t discuss it when you bring up I assume somethings going on rather than that she doesn’t care.

I personally would reach out and check in. Just say she’s been quiet and notice baby talk she goes quiet. Say you’re there for her no matter what.

Because it's boring and nobody really cares apart from you, it's just a normal thing.. nothing interesting.

So what if she is having her own problems, it still makes her a bad friend. After miscarriages and during a difficult IVF journey, I always always made a fuss of pregnant friends and visited new borns laden with gifts. Most were sensitive enough about my situation and didn't go on and on but it was utterly heartbreaking sometimes and i often would come home feeling devastated but i put on a brave face. No matter what is going on i absolutely would never meet a pregnant friend for coffee and not mention they were pregnant!! She is well out of order here. ----

When I was struggling with infertility I would always say "never say never" then change the subject when anyone asked about me having kids.

When friends announced their pregnancy I could always hold it together long enough to say congratulations and ask how they were keeping then depending where I was in my treatment (failed IVF round, just had a miscarriage or about to start the process again) I may just distance my self for a while if I wasn't feeling in the right frame of mind.

I am sure your friend is happy for you and wishes you well but my be struggling with something in her private life.

To respect someone is 'to have due regard for their feelings'. That's not an unusual concept to expect of a friend.

'Enquire after' does not require hours of details, pregnancy is very commonplace after all.

I asked for clarificarion on the use of 'respecting, not commenting on whether or not friends enquire about pregnancy progress

Just so you know, I used to pretend I didn't know if I wanted children when I was having fertility issues.

This was because, if I said "yes I want children" I'd be opening myself up to ppl asking me when I was going to start trying. I didn't want to talk about my issues for a whole raft of reasons I won't go into her.

But people would ask me if I wanted children all the time and I would always lie and say "not yet" or "not sure".

I was the first of our circle to be pregnant, once we'd told people and they'd congratulated us there would be the 'How are you' when we met up and that was it! Pregnancy is a boring subject, even my own, and we tended to have more interesting things to talk about, this was 40+ years ago when being pregnant wasn't considered to be a unique event as it seems to be today. Once she was born they came and cooed, brought cards and gifts and that was enough from them!

“ This. A good friend of mine who is genuinely the nicest person ever really really struggled with having children. Whenever someone was pregnant she would smile and that was all she could muster and then go to a private place and cry.”

This is so true. My daughter and her husband are going through fertility issues at the moment, it is all consuming and pretty much all they can think about. Several of her work colleagues and friends are pregnant at the moment, some days it’s as much as she can do not to burst into tears at work.
Took me a year to get pregnant first time, then i lost it so I know quite well how she feels.

Enquiring and respecting are two different things

I would expect friends to pay attention and behave interested in your life altering news beyond a text message. Friendship involves back and forth and interest and concern in each other's lives.

MN is so weird, even at the best of times