To do our own Christmas dinner?

Oh dear, what is it with Christmas? We would really love to have our Granddaughter here for Christmas as we always spent Christmas with wider family when children were small. Daughter in law decided in 2022 (granddaughter's first) that she didn't want to travel and preferred to have Christmas at home. Was I disappointed? Yes. Did I make a fuss? No. Husband and I had Christmas at home by ourselves last year for the first time in over 40 years. BUT it was their choice and should be. I don't want them to feel pressured into travelling with a toddler.

Stay at home, we have hosted for too many years, or take a whole dinner to a relative and eat there.
Neither option we have ever wanted, but are obligated.
One day we might regret not doing it, but my goodness, it would be nice to have a break some years.

Last year my daughter and husband spent Christmas Eve and day in Williamsburg and we saw them a few days later. I was sad but kept my mouth shut. When our children become adults it isn't about us anymore.

"Tradition (dictionary definition): the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation, or the fact of being passed on in this way."

"Tradition (new definition) something I do with my children, which will be abandoned in 20 years when my children start a different tradition (new definition) with their children"

This!!

not all children are the same.

Ignore her pushiness, it’s time to make your own traditions with your children. It’s not like you haven’t offered to host or that you’re not seeing her on the day, she needs to stop telling you what to do. Is she usually this overbearing? Your poor Dh sounds fed up!

Your dcs will thank you for it later. Not necessarily, I appreciated the Christmases of my childhood, alternately at our house or my aunt's, with GP - the only times there were enough people together to play silly team games with balloons etc. Christmas at home, with our own tree and my "own little family" wouldn't have been half as much fun.

Much like adult children compromising their relationships with their parents by doing what they prefer.

If you want your DC to have a relationship with their grandparents, there may need to be compromise on both sides.

OP ask your Mum at what stage did she start doing Xmas Dinner at her house with her own children and DH?

Whatever you decide to do on Christmas Day isn't "bad". Your relatives don't own the day.
If you decided to go abroad for a holiday at Christmas that would be fine too. Thousands of people do that.
The issue is their sense of entitlement - they think you should do what they want, not what you want - and your misplaced sense of obligation.

After a particularly awful traffic on a journey one year involving the A303 past Stonehenge on the day after Boxing Day, combined with then-toddler DS having a tummy bug, DH and I decided enough was enough of being guilted into spending Christmas away from home.

YANBU. Stick to your plan. Ignore the emotional blackmail. As a PP said, tell your mum 'We are spending Christmas Day at home this year' and repeat as often as is required.

Do not go to the relatives on Boxing Day this year as this become another pattern where you have to go there on BD forever!

i can't believe your mother thinks your husband should forego seeing his children on Christmas day to please her! She is puddled ! Start as you mean to go on and stay home all day. I wouldn't visit them at all.tbh

Lunch at home , Christmas tea at relatives - last four years we have done our own thing at lunch time and all come together for Christmas tea and games and it works great

I would happily give childcare and still be more than welcoming of my adult child having their own Christmas with their own family.

No bother at all. I was told the same thing by my dad who helped with childcare (mum wad dead). He did it for the first two years of DS being born until he died. Came to us late in the day to share our buffet as we changed tradition and didn't do Christmas dinner. He was proud that I'd made my own way.

Oh dear OP, sounds like your mum is a carbon copy of mine and dh's mothers. Even before we got married the demands about Christmas began and DH and I decided that Christmas Day would be our day right from the start. We only ever changed on one occasion after we had dcs,when we thought we'd invite them to come to us. For reason won't go into (too long), it was a disaster and we reverted to our previous plans the following year and every year after. Both our mums complained, but that one year showed us we were right to focus on our dcs.
You do Christmas the way you want. Your dcs will thank you for it later. Now they are adults, mine make it very clear they appreciate the Christmases of their childhood.

No. But it means that if you're doing the grunt work of looking after small children (a lot of it is grunt work at that age), when you're old enough to be a grandmother and it isn't your job and they're your actual grandchildren, the least you could do as a grateful parent is include them in a FAMILY day, not just visit them like they're extended family or friends.

I mean, would YOU do it? When you live nearby? On Christmas day?

It's not about the grandparents being entitled to anything; it's about the parents being generous given the circumstances.

Why though?
Does providing childcare mean that you have to cater to grandparents wishes - regardless of your own family wishes

Does your mum provide regular childcare to your children?

I feel this is a crucial piece of information in your question for approbation of your decision to have them merely "visit" her on Christmas Day.

And after the falling out they cause this year, when there's sour faces when you do turn up, they'll wonder why next year you don't visit at all.

Which I bloody wouldn't with this kind of behaviour!

I’ve learned that my DC hated having people round at Christmas and felt they had to perform to keep people happy.

Of course you’ve got to suck up stuff you don’t want to do, but there’s a limit.

This year I’m letting my DC have the Christmas they want which they’ve told me involving eating all day, opening presents, watching movies and lying on the sofa.

This! A completely normal activity, do they not know any other families, neighbours, friends??

Oh FFS your family are bonkers!

It is the natural progression of a family to start having their own family Xmas Dinner in their own home. Your own Mum must have done it (unless every Xmas was spent at her Mums until she died)!

Just ignore the puerile wailing. Have a wonderful dinner at yours and start your own traditions.
If they don't want you to call round later stuff 'em.

Utterly bizarre and ridiculous.

So your parents want their DGC to spend Christmas Day without their Dad! Is this what happened when you were little OP - you and siblings went with DM to her parents and DF went to his? Somehow I doubt that.