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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me stop being unreasonable mumsnet!

90 replies

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 07:22

I have a partner that loves me so much. He's supportive, in every way, emotionally, financially, and he shows the family a lot of love.

3 months ago we had a time off little sex as our Toddler wasn't sleeping and I was so so tired and grumpy and had no sex drive while I dealt with the little sleep.

At the same time he started speaking about a girl in work in a different (excited and often) way than he does with other girl mates. He has a best girl mate outside of work that I love and he doesn't speak like this about her.

He goes away twice a month and this is when he sees her and speaks excited about her and it's clear that they're together a lot during work and chat a lot in their after work. I made a bet with myself a few weeks ago that when he facetimed me on his first night away that her name would come up in the first 30 seconds and it did. She stays at this expensive hotel and he's moaned about this in the past as the company pays and she's not quite as senior as him. (This is relevant)

I asked him about her and said what I felt and he dropped in that she's gay. Although he did say he didn't want that to be the reason I trusted him especially as both him and I believe that sexuality can be fluid for some although we understand some people are just straight or just gay. It still didn't settle it for me.

Then a few weeks ago I walked in to the bedroom and his viagra was out on the drawers. He bought these when we first met as he was nervous! I asked him about this and he said it was because our Toddler can now open the drawers and he was going to take them downstairs to the bin but forgot.

Then he told me this week he's staying at the expensive hotel (the one she always stays at) because the company put it in budget this month.

All of this together has made me so unreasonable. The no sex, the excited when talking about another woman, the viagra being out and the new hotel stay that she's at.

HELP ME SNAP OUT OF THIS! I feel awful. He's being nothing but reassuring as I've told him how I feel but it's not budging. It's awful not to trust him as he's nothing but amazing to me - but all of these together feel like really bad timing/coincidences that I can't shake off and I feel so guilty for it.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:00

@Ohnobackagain I believe so. I've seen him book the train on the company card and heard him on video calls at home confirming things ready to go. I've not got a reason to doubt this at all. Oh yup add that usually he facetimes every night that he's away. His routine at home is that he's in bed by 10/1030 and he facetimes me after I've finished doing stuff at home until about 1030 and then well it's bed time.

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 29/10/2024 12:00

@mrsunreasoable I don't think I would trust that there's nothing going on. Not that she's necessarily having an affair with him, but it seems clear by the way he speaks he's very interested in her and fond of her. And can't even conceal his enthusiasm.

Original poster

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 11:57

@BobbyBiscuits the only reason this would be weird would be if there's nothing going on. He's said that if this was presented to her she'd be so confused. He's quite senior in this company and if there's nothing going on I don't want to draw attention to his crazy partner

OP posts:

Ohnobackagain · 29/10/2024 11:53

@mrsunreasoable is he definitely going away with work?

BobbyBiscuits · 29/10/2024 11:53

@mrsunreasoable surely you can meet online/via phone chat. If he's not hiding anything he'd want you two to get on, you'd think?
I don't think you'll really get to the bottom of the nature of it all without speaking to her tbh.

Original poster

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 11:48

@BobbyBiscuits the problem is they see each other twice a month when they go away with work which is about 2-3 hours away from our home. She then lives another 2-3 hours from there in the other direction

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 29/10/2024 11:45

Yeah, it doesn't look great. Surely if they're that close he'd be fine with introducing you to her, invite her to your house, hope that you and her could be mates? Just like you say you really like his female close friend outside of work.
If he acts weird when you ask to meet her I think you have your answer that something's going on.
The Viagra for me is a huge red flag. You wouldn't just leave them out if your excuse for moving them was worrying the kid might get their hands on it. Makes no sense.

Ohnobackagain · 29/10/2024 11:44

@mrsunreasoable I don’t believe it’s innocent, regardless of the viagra which may be a red herring. I don’t think she’s gay and even if she is he might still fancy her. I wonder how you can find out. All this hotels budget sounds bonkers as well. Nope, I’m usually the one telling people not to jump to conclusions but this is ringing alarm bells for me

Screamingabdabz · 29/10/2024 11:24

Hotels and talking about her in an excited way? Busy no-sex young mum at home? Tale as old as time. He’s having his cake and eating it. No question.

Original poster

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 11:20

@healthybychristmas if I'm honest I think I'm more annoyed by "she makes me smile" than I am about the viagra being out ha! There could be a reason for the latter but the affectionate term there's no real getting out of that. But like I said I'm asleep deprived I could be being totally unreasonable and I'll hold my hands up to that!

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 11:17

@healthybychristmas only after I asked him about the viagra. He said our Toddler was in the drawer specifically so he took it out of that drawer and put it on top of higher drawers in the bedroom out of her reach, ready to take downstairs to the bin. Then forgot to take them to the bin (he said he was upstairs getting ready for a shower so did it then, then forgot about it after the shower).

OP posts:

healthybychristmas · 29/10/2024 11:15

So he took the viagra out. Where exactly did he put it? Did he remove other items a toddler might be interested in?

Original poster

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 10:59

We've just had a conversation about it and he says nothing is going on and he feels nothing. He also said she makes him smile and I hate that term - I feel like it's an affectionate term to use!

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 09:03

@Hillrunning this is my argument, he is saying I don't know him if I think he could hurt me in any way. I've said the problem is what I do know of him doesn't include talking like this about anyone. So it's the brand new behaviour that's thrown me. He's called her sweet a few times too and would never say this about a man. He said he doesn't use that word to describe people but he definitely has so he isn't realising how he's speaking about her.

OP posts:

Hillrunning · 29/10/2024 08:48

Her being gay doesn't stop him from indulging in feeling he should be avoiding. I'd keep a level head but ask him to think about if he would be this way with a new male colleague. Really, can you think of any time he has lit up when talking about a male friend? He needs to reflect on that and reconsider how he behaves.

Maddy70 · 29/10/2024 08:39

Didimum · 29/10/2024 08:12

Who gets viagra because they’re nervous? Presumably you’re both young.

Many many men of all ages

Original poster

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 08:39

@PenguinLove1 he volunteered (although I really didn't want to - I'd rather talk it through than see his phone) that they don't talk outside of work, he searched for her name and the last message was a while ago and it was very much work related very factual. He works from home when he's not away with them all and they regularly messsge there.

He said he doesn't know how to behave with her now because they were all in a group meeting online and he saw she had this ridiculously massive mug of coffee and said normally he would private message her to joke to her about it and go what on earth is that but he stopped himself as he feels uncomfortable now. This is what I feel guilty for he should be able to joke around with his colleagues and now his sleep deprived sexless other half doesn't like the way he speaks about the gay woman in his work he's got to stop? I feel so guilty

OP posts:

Didimum · 29/10/2024 08:38

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 08:31

@Didimum can it make you a bit more paranoid though? Can you tell me what his red flags are - the no sleep has made me not know who I am right now! I don't know what I should be doing in this situation, I thought I was just being a paranoid sleep deprived jealous partner!

Talking about her frequently 🚩
’Lighting up’ when he talks about her 🚩
Moving to her hotel 🚩
Viagra suddenly coming out the draw 🚩

Has he made an effort to clear out any other drawers, cabinets or parts of the house where your toddler can get hold of inappropriate things, or was it just the viagra? (genuine question, not sarcastic)

OrsolaRosso · 29/10/2024 08:38

It's quite clear that he has a crush on her, regardless of whether she feels the same or not.

notatinydancer · 29/10/2024 08:37

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 08:31

Red flags
Mentions her all the time
Stays in same hotel
Claims she's gay ( true?)
Viagra

Original poster

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 08:33

@ExtraOnions right this is the kind of talk I need haha!!! I mean i think he's handsome of course but yes she's gay!! It's ridiculous right!!

The thing that bugs me I think more than anything is how he speaks about her. I'm just being a jealous idiot that he lights up a bit speaking about her. I don't know how many times he's called her so sweet it bugs me!

OP posts:

PenguinLove1 · 29/10/2024 08:33

Sp has everything else been cleared out of drawers out the reach of your toddler, or just the viagra?

Everything else wouldn't bother me as much as this as it seems like a very flimsy excuse for them being out

If he has nothing to hide would he share some of their messages etc with you so you can see its platonic?

ExtraOnions · 29/10/2024 08:32

Husband so devastatingly attractive, that he can turn gay women straight.

Original poster

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 08:31

OP posts:

UsernameNameUser · 29/10/2024 08:29

YANBU. It’s either all a really weirdly timed coincidence or something is going on

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