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Original poster

Help me stop being unreasonable mumsnet!

90 replies

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 07:22

I have a partner that loves me so much. He's supportive, in every way, emotionally, financially, and he shows the family a lot of love.

3 months ago we had a time off little sex as our Toddler wasn't sleeping and I was so so tired and grumpy and had no sex drive while I dealt with the little sleep.

At the same time he started speaking about a girl in work in a different (excited and often) way than he does with other girl mates. He has a best girl mate outside of work that I love and he doesn't speak like this about her.

He goes away twice a month and this is when he sees her and speaks excited about her and it's clear that they're together a lot during work and chat a lot in their after work. I made a bet with myself a few weeks ago that when he facetimed me on his first night away that her name would come up in the first 30 seconds and it did. She stays at this expensive hotel and he's moaned about this in the past as the company pays and she's not quite as senior as him. (This is relevant)

I asked him about her and said what I felt and he dropped in that she's gay. Although he did say he didn't want that to be the reason I trusted him especially as both him and I believe that sexuality can be fluid for some although we understand some people are just straight or just gay. It still didn't settle it for me.

Then a few weeks ago I walked in to the bedroom and his viagra was out on the drawers. He bought these when we first met as he was nervous! I asked him about this and he said it was because our Toddler can now open the drawers and he was going to take them downstairs to the bin but forgot.

Then he told me this week he's staying at the expensive hotel (the one she always stays at) because the company put it in budget this month.

All of this together has made me so unreasonable. The no sex, the excited when talking about another woman, the viagra being out and the new hotel stay that she's at.

HELP ME SNAP OUT OF THIS! I feel awful. He's being nothing but reassuring as I've told him how I feel but it's not budging. It's awful not to trust him as he's nothing but amazing to me - but all of these together feel like really bad timing/coincidences that I can't shake off and I feel so guilty for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 13:24

@MadeForThis when he showed me a group photo back in February before all of this, he did mention that one of the girls was gay. I just couldn't recall all those names and everyone's sexuality all those months ago and before the comments began (she's since been promoted to his team but before that no mention of her apart from telling me she was gay in this photo which I didn't remember). And the reason he told me she was gay them was she was next to a gay guy whose name I knew anyway but I'd never have remembered her name as the photo had 20 people in it

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 29/10/2024 13:20

Are you sure she is gay? Or has it just came from your DH?

Could you find out independently?

CheekySwan · 29/10/2024 13:09

Trust your gut

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 13:07

@LifeExperience I'm struggling with it. He keeps telling me that yeah it looks weird but to remember who he is/why don't i trust his explanation?

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 13:06

@Ohnonina it was the same viagra he bought when we first met and he's now thrown it in the bin (I'm told)

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 29/10/2024 13:05

As a wife who was cheated on, I'm seeing lots of red flags. At the very least he is emotionally involved with her, and I don't believe his viagra explanation for a minute.

Ohnonina · 29/10/2024 13:05

What happened to the Viagra after that OP? If it's still there have you checked the expiry?

allthedragons · 29/10/2024 13:05

I hope you helped with the toddler-proofing and flushed the viagra 💐

coxesorangepippin · 29/10/2024 13:04

Fuck this for a game of soldiers

He has no respect for you, and
He's sleeping with a supposed lesbian

Is he the child's father? If so, he has no shape with him at all in regards to his child

I'd be moving on, op

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:59

@Fairy0708 no she's been toddling for a while, but this was the first time she had been able to open the drawers as they're heavy.

But the drawer opening happened a few weeks before he moved the viagra 🤦‍♀️. But when he went for a shower that day he remembered and decided to move them out of the drawer to be on top of a higher cupboard she couldn't reach, but then forgot to take it downstairs to the bin 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:57

@BobbyBiscuits haha! It wouldn't bother me so much if he used it with anyone else! But this twice combined with saying "she's so sweet" more than once - he has never described anyone else like this! Not one of his friends has "made him smile" since I've known him and he's never described anyone as "so sweet" before! That's the bit that bugs me, the change of description/behaviour that's just used to describe her and not one other person in his life before.

OP posts:
Fairy0708 · 29/10/2024 12:56

How long has your toddler been toddlering? I.e. has it coincided with this new friendship or has your toddler been on the move for a while?

How do you know for certain she is gay? Does she have social media?

BobbyBiscuits · 29/10/2024 12:53

@mrsunreasoable arrggghhh! I don't know what to say. How can he not just style it out better?
I would fully support you questioning it but it seems he just drops more saccharine cliches.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:51

@BobbyBiscuits I know!! It's the second time he's used that term with her.

The first time was when she got prompted in to his team and he said "That really made me smile today". I didn't like that haha.

Then he's said it again today!! He said he panicked under the pressure of this conversation when I was asking him why he speaks differently about her - so he said she's just a person in work that makes me smile! Arrghhh!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:49

@TorroFerney because that was in response to the previous poster who asked me what if it was the other way around. I asked him that and he told me he trusts me 100% and whatever explanation I'd give him he'd accept because of what we have together etc.

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BobbyBiscuits · 29/10/2024 12:49

@mrsunreasoable 'she makes me smile' crikey. It sounds like a hallmark greeting card interior.
Why say that about a female colleague to your fucking Mrs? It seems like he's trying to almost do his crush on her in plain sight?

TorroFerney · 29/10/2024 12:48

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:34

@Marine30 how funny after your post I tried again and I've found her. No indication of being gay or straight not that this should matter where my husbands interaction is concerned.

He's said to me this could be the other way around and a 100 times worse and if I said there was nothing there, because he trusts me 100% he would accept my answer if I said there was nothing in it.

But we'll never really know that! Although I do like how reassuring he's being and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and trusts me, knows what we're working hard for and knows neither one of us would jeopardise that. Usually cheating guys get a lot more defensive?

Why is he saying he trusts you and that you wouldn't do anything - this isn't a we it's a him. Hmm that's not sitting comfortably, it slightly smacks of DARVO.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:34

@Marine30 how funny after your post I tried again and I've found her. No indication of being gay or straight not that this should matter where my husbands interaction is concerned.

He's said to me this could be the other way around and a 100 times worse and if I said there was nothing there, because he trusts me 100% he would accept my answer if I said there was nothing in it.

But we'll never really know that! Although I do like how reassuring he's being and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and trusts me, knows what we're working hard for and knows neither one of us would jeopardise that. Usually cheating guys get a lot more defensive?

OP posts:
Marine30 · 29/10/2024 12:26

How frustrating! I dunno why but even just to see her might have made you feel better somehow. Strange that she’s completely awol on LI if she’s career minded.
Perhaps she’s gay and your husband just has a bit of a crush. Still not great though. I would ask him how he would feel if you started raving about someone you knew and how he made you smile etc. Would he like it? Seems like DH needs to stop talking her up and realise it’s not what you (or any partner) would want to hear.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:09

@Marine30 this is one thing that's bugged me! Because I've tried LI even and I'd have thought that given her role she would be all over that. My hubby and I are connected via linkedin and she's nowhere to be found! My worry was that she had blocked me already but some people can't be found on there I guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:08

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo yes he's said that to me today. That he thought I knew she was gay to begin with. He showed me a group photo of 20 people back in February and I do remember him saying one of the girls was gay but I wouldn't have remembered her name and she wasn't on my radar/being mentioned. I didn't remember any of the people's names in that group but he thought I knew!

So he's said today because he thought I knew from this group photo months ago that she was gay, that he felt safe to say what he likes about her. And whereas I accept that, it's still made me uncomfortable that he's spoken more affectionately about this woman than any other woman in his life eg friends he's close to. He didn't even think this may come across a bit strange - hey I know I'm 3 hours away but I'm striking up a good work friendship with this woman, she's really sweet and really makes me smile.

Come on have a bit of awareness about your delivery!!

OP posts:
Onestepfromendingitall · 29/10/2024 12:06

LTB he's cheating

Marine30 · 29/10/2024 12:04

Is there no way you can do some discreet online checking of the girl? Facebook, Linked in etc.
Unlikely to make you any wiser re her sexuality but it could help if you saw her somehow.
His reassurances haven’t helped you and sounds like something could be off if you still feel unsettled. I would try that in your position. Like you say, does seem like a series of coincidences.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:04

@BobbyBiscuits yes it's the not being able to conceal his enthusiasm that's worrying. I don't know if anything is actually going on but maybe I feel he's edging towards dangerous territory in terms of his feelings (highly unlikely to be reciprocated due to her being gay and all!). His best girl mate never gets spoken about like this. I said today that when we got married abroad we didn't have many people there but when we found out she was coming I was more excited than him! I was just really pleased for him to have her there so I said how great it was and he did too. But he has never called her sweet or said that she makes him smile. This kind of wording has only ever been used for the female work colleague.

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/10/2024 12:03

I'm not sure that 'snapping out of' your jealous thoughts is what is needed. He's been going on and on about another woman, and lights up when she's mentioned; how are you supposed to feel?
It's good that he's reduced the amount of outside-work chat with her. I wouldn't feel too sorry for him for not being able to make a joke about her coffee mug during a work Zoom.
Very likely nothing has happened between them physically, but he sounds as if he has a bit of crush, albeit one that he's not planning to act on. Maybe the fact that she's a lesbian makes her feel safer for him. It's upsetting for you but your response is nothing to beat yourself up about.

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