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Original poster

Help me stop being unreasonable mumsnet!

90 replies

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 07:22

I have a partner that loves me so much. He's supportive, in every way, emotionally, financially, and he shows the family a lot of love.

3 months ago we had a time off little sex as our Toddler wasn't sleeping and I was so so tired and grumpy and had no sex drive while I dealt with the little sleep.

At the same time he started speaking about a girl in work in a different (excited and often) way than he does with other girl mates. He has a best girl mate outside of work that I love and he doesn't speak like this about her.

He goes away twice a month and this is when he sees her and speaks excited about her and it's clear that they're together a lot during work and chat a lot in their after work. I made a bet with myself a few weeks ago that when he facetimed me on his first night away that her name would come up in the first 30 seconds and it did. She stays at this expensive hotel and he's moaned about this in the past as the company pays and she's not quite as senior as him. (This is relevant)

I asked him about her and said what I felt and he dropped in that she's gay. Although he did say he didn't want that to be the reason I trusted him especially as both him and I believe that sexuality can be fluid for some although we understand some people are just straight or just gay. It still didn't settle it for me.

Then a few weeks ago I walked in to the bedroom and his viagra was out on the drawers. He bought these when we first met as he was nervous! I asked him about this and he said it was because our Toddler can now open the drawers and he was going to take them downstairs to the bin but forgot.

Then he told me this week he's staying at the expensive hotel (the one she always stays at) because the company put it in budget this month.

All of this together has made me so unreasonable. The no sex, the excited when talking about another woman, the viagra being out and the new hotel stay that she's at.

HELP ME SNAP OUT OF THIS! I feel awful. He's being nothing but reassuring as I've told him how I feel but it's not budging. It's awful not to trust him as he's nothing but amazing to me - but all of these together feel like really bad timing/coincidences that I can't shake off and I feel so guilty for it.

OP posts:
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Teaortea · 31/10/2024 17:08

he made a joke that she was gay too so they were chatting all things gay all night.

I work in a creative industry and so have a lot of gay friends and acquaintances of all ages, and honestly this doesn't ring true.

so I spoke to him about it and he said she's gay then and reminded me of the photo.

I don't know, she might be gay but this sounds a bit off kilter and I think that's what you're feeling.

Ie he casually highlighted that she was gay way back in January, then remembered that he'd done that and drew your attention to it as evidence of her being gay.

With a lack of actual facts all you can do is go with your intuition.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 31/10/2024 13:30

@Hoppinggreen that's the wording I've used to - I've told him I'm always loyal and respectful of our relationship so he's apologised for the lack of respect, although claims the weight I'm putting on his comments are way more from my interpretation than anything he meant.

The way I found out she was gay was that at the start of the year he just showed me a photo of him and some people he worked with. She was sat with a male colleague who is gay and he made a joke that she was gay too so they were chatting all things gay all night.

She wasn't on my radar at all at the start of the year when this comment was made... Then she got prompted to his team and he said that this "really made him smile". (I didn't even know who he was talking about as the photo he showed me months prior had about 20 people in it). So that to me was an affectionate term and then her name came up over and over along with that she's so sweet or she's really sweet, and it was clear they hang out in work. Eg I had things like 'bob' came over to ask me and 'name of woman' what we thought of the meeting... Things like that highlighted her to me a bit more so I spoke to him about it and he said she's gay then and reminded me of the photo. But still he doesn't speak like this about any other woman or man for that matter

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 31/10/2024 13:23

mrsunreasoable · 31/10/2024 13:06

@Hoppinggreen yes he said that if she knew about this conversation she'd be so confused as it's not "like that" and that she's gay. Yes all based on his words. I'll never meet this person as they only see each other twice a month when they both travel 2-3 hours away from home to their head office

So you only think shes gay because he told you?
Do you think there could be any reason at all why he might want you to think that?
Also, I would expect my H to act in a way respectful to our marriage when socialising with people who are Gay, straight, Bi or whatever.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 31/10/2024 13:06

@Hoppinggreen yes he said that if she knew about this conversation she'd be so confused as it's not "like that" and that she's gay. Yes all based on his words. I'll never meet this person as they only see each other twice a month when they both travel 2-3 hours away from home to their head office

OP posts:
stayathomer · 30/10/2024 21:40

mrsunreasoable

hugs op

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 30/10/2024 20:44

@stayathomer yep absolutely. Although he said yesterday that if the roles were reversed that he would 100% trust whatever explanation I had.

So I had to kinda spell it out a bit more...

Me at home with Toddler, very little adult only time in any way, very little time he and I to do stuff, I'm grumpy because I'm so tired as toddler is going through a few months of not sleeping, less sex is happening because I'm tired. I then feel a bit of a shit wife with no life of my own (this sounds dramatic - when I'm sleep deprived I think that's where my head goes, a bit poor me and my adult-less life 🤦‍♀️), feeling like I'm not fun or interesting or bringing anything exciting to the table.

Him 3 hours away facetiming me about his day in work saying this girl is really sweet, makes him smile and the one he has the most fun with in work.

Not cool.

I did say I don't particularly want to hear "she makes me smile" about any other woman in his life at any time but the contrast is insensitive and this is when the penny dropped. I think he realised last night that shit my wife has been feeling one way and I'm telling her about a woman who is the exact opposite and I can see he's feeling awful. He's apologised a lot for being so insensitive and says that my interpretation of "she makes him smile" - he can see could be seen as an affectionate term - but that he didn't think it held that much weight but sees it could. He's meant she's a laugh in work and said he shouldn't have used more affectionate terms to describe her.

It's difficult as he's genuinely a wonderful husband and father, he's committed, dedicated to us all and just all round lovely to everyone - not in a charming creepy narc way I've been used to in the past either! Maybe I'm being blind and he's actually got a crush on this woman and meant that he does make her smile in the affectionate way i would use that term - or maybe he's used a poor choice of words and been really insensitive to my situation thinking I'd never see any other woman as a threat because we're so good. Right now I don't know and unfortunately like a pp said, only time will tell I guess

OP posts:
letmego24 · 30/10/2024 20:10

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 07:22

I have a partner that loves me so much. He's supportive, in every way, emotionally, financially, and he shows the family a lot of love.

3 months ago we had a time off little sex as our Toddler wasn't sleeping and I was so so tired and grumpy and had no sex drive while I dealt with the little sleep.

At the same time he started speaking about a girl in work in a different (excited and often) way than he does with other girl mates. He has a best girl mate outside of work that I love and he doesn't speak like this about her.

He goes away twice a month and this is when he sees her and speaks excited about her and it's clear that they're together a lot during work and chat a lot in their after work. I made a bet with myself a few weeks ago that when he facetimed me on his first night away that her name would come up in the first 30 seconds and it did. She stays at this expensive hotel and he's moaned about this in the past as the company pays and she's not quite as senior as him. (This is relevant)

I asked him about her and said what I felt and he dropped in that she's gay. Although he did say he didn't want that to be the reason I trusted him especially as both him and I believe that sexuality can be fluid for some although we understand some people are just straight or just gay. It still didn't settle it for me.

Then a few weeks ago I walked in to the bedroom and his viagra was out on the drawers. He bought these when we first met as he was nervous! I asked him about this and he said it was because our Toddler can now open the drawers and he was going to take them downstairs to the bin but forgot.

Then he told me this week he's staying at the expensive hotel (the one she always stays at) because the company put it in budget this month.

All of this together has made me so unreasonable. The no sex, the excited when talking about another woman, the viagra being out and the new hotel stay that she's at.

HELP ME SNAP OUT OF THIS! I feel awful. He's being nothing but reassuring as I've told him how I feel but it's not budging. It's awful not to trust him as he's nothing but amazing to me - but all of these together feel like really bad timing/coincidences that I can't shake off and I feel so guilty for it.

Right.
' The Viagra was out on the drawers'
Haha pull the other one don't think post this rings true.

Hoppinggreen · 30/10/2024 20:06

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 08:33

@ExtraOnions right this is the kind of talk I need haha!!! I mean i think he's handsome of course but yes she's gay!! It's ridiculous right!!

The thing that bugs me I think more than anything is how he speaks about her. I'm just being a jealous idiot that he lights up a bit speaking about her. I don't know how many times he's called her so sweet it bugs me!

How do you know she isn't sexually attracted to me?
Are you basing that purely on what your H is telling you?

stayathomer · 30/10/2024 19:57

Sometimes men don’t get it until you do the ‘how would you feel if I … (insert everything he’s done but with you and a man instead). Op it’s weird.

Luciev · 29/10/2024 18:05

If she is gay then I don’t see the problem. Maybe he has a crush on her ? It’s possible. My partner ( in AiBU) - well it’s a long story but has red flags all over it. Previously he had 2 gay female friends when we were in Germany along with other female friends he had known a long time and I had no problem with that - zero vibing going on . I do have a problem with the current shitshow however !
Do you not believe she is gay ?

Rainbowdottie · 29/10/2024 17:46

I don't think you can ever ignore " a vibe", " a feeling" "an intuitive motion "....whatever you want to call it. I'm not saying you're correct in what you suspect...but so far what you've written, doesn't lead me to think you're not correct?

At the very least I would say he has a crush on her. People get crushes all the time but I do think when they're about "real people" who are within "touching distance " then things can go down the wrong road imo.again I'm not saying that's what's happening but how do you know or not. It's a tough one, I feel for you. It must be a horrible feeling for you and with your partner being so nice about reassuring you, you must feel you're looking for things that aren't there. But is that to just throw you off? If partners are nasty about our suspicions, we kinda confirm to ourselves it's happening....if they're reassuring, we think ah that's OK then, he's telling me the truth and we're here being all adult and nice about it.

But a lot of things don't add up to me personally...

Didimum · 29/10/2024 17:40

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 17:28

@Didimum we're late 30s I've no idea how old she is! I can't figure it out. I'd say 30s somewhere!

I think all you can do is watch and wait, OP.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 17:28

@Didimum we're late 30s I've no idea how old she is! I can't figure it out. I'd say 30s somewhere!

OP posts:
Didimum · 29/10/2024 17:27

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 17:08

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo thank you! Your message got me a little emotional! I think it's because you've hit every point!! It's so confusing

If only you could find out if she is actually gay or not. Not because it stops her fancying him, but to find out if he’s told you the truth on that.

How old is she? How old is he?

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 17:08

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo thank you! Your message got me a little emotional! I think it's because you've hit every point!! It's so confusing

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/10/2024 16:58

What a bizarre situation to be in, @mrsunreasoable . DH has as good as told you that he has a crush on this woman at the same time as assuring you that she isn't interested in him. Also that it's you he loves and wants to be with. And the rest of his behaviour towards you does bear this out, so... And yet his viagra tabs are suddenly in evidence again and he suddenly has access to stay in the same hotel as She Who Makes Him Smile, so...
No wonder you are confused. I certainly am on your behalf. And I also notice that something deep down in you is saying he's not cheating, and you know him better than anyone else. Just don't blame yourself for wondering, anyone would.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 16:41

@TiredEyesSoreHeart also my ex partner was military and I was with him for years during the Afghanistan time! So this is nothing in comparison, I'm quite happy to have one night apart for my own stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 16:39

@TiredEyesSoreHeart he goes away for one night 2 days every 2 weeks as part of his role, he's quite senior so goes to head office every 2 weeks for one night. This was in place before we met, and part of his contract. I'm not bothered by this in general, I get to watch my trashy tv shows and I use this time to have a bit of a pamper at home after the kids are in bed so this really doesn't bother me pre-gay woman excitement

OP posts:
TiredEyesSoreHeart · 29/10/2024 16:27

Why does he have to 'go away' so much for work? I would not accept that with a partner. I think it's time you had a discussion about him ending these work trips or getting another job. I think you really need to have that discussion. I would not put up with a partner 'working away' that much. I would not. There should be absolutely no need for it especially in 2024 with more technology than ever before.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 15:54

@Didimum yeah he's eventually got there today. But it's taken weeks of talking about this! It's as if it takes him a while to see things from my perspective but when he does, if it's appropriate and right obviously then he does go ah ok yeah I can see how that would make you feel. Today he's said it's just been a poor choice of words and he can't offer an explanation as to why he's used these words for her and nobody else in his life.

I just have to accept that the hotel he's staying at is always on the list but usually out of budget but this time it was in budget so he's staying there? I hate this it's so annoying feeling this way.

OP posts:
Didimum · 29/10/2024 14:59

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 14:48

@Didimum I really thought I was going to come on here and people say I'm beimg really paranoid, it's just his choice of words, and that there's an explanation for it all 😩

I think what would likely help you more is if he stopped defending his position in his use of words describing her. If he's have said 'Hey, you know what, this is actually a really inappropriate way to talk about my work colleagues to anyone, let alone my wife, especially when our marriage isn't where we want it to be right now. I'm sorry my behaviour has made you feel insecure and you're my priority.'

Would that have made you feel better?

For me, complaining how he can't joke about a coffee mug for fear of making you uncomfortable is a poor thing to bring up. Why is he even thinking about it?

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 14:48

@Didimum I really thought I was going to come on here and people say I'm beimg really paranoid, it's just his choice of words, and that there's an explanation for it all 😩

OP posts:
Didimum · 29/10/2024 14:39

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 14:02

@Fairy0708 I keep thinking everything he does for us is amazing. He's so supportive, so engaging in the relationship and everything he does is to move us to our goals - my business, our dream home, what helps us both be happy - he dedicates his time making sure we're happy.

With that in mind mind, if he was telling the truth, this is what he'd say right? Why don't I trust him and his word?

Dig deep, OP. You don’t suddenly start distrusting someone who is implicitly trustworthy who you have always (presumably?) trusted without question. Your instincts are telling you his answers are not good enough.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 14:02

@Fairy0708 I keep thinking everything he does for us is amazing. He's so supportive, so engaging in the relationship and everything he does is to move us to our goals - my business, our dream home, what helps us both be happy - he dedicates his time making sure we're happy.

With that in mind mind, if he was telling the truth, this is what he'd say right? Why don't I trust him and his word?

OP posts:
Fairy0708 · 29/10/2024 13:36

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 13:07

@LifeExperience I'm struggling with it. He keeps telling me that yeah it looks weird but to remember who he is/why don't i trust his explanation?

That screams gaslighting, sorry op!