To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

@schmeler Why? What good do they do? They do not deal with the root cause of the depression. They do not deal with anything related to the depression at all

As to whether they deal with the root cause, depends on the root cause. Sometimes the root cause is simply chemical imbalance, nothing more, and they can assist in correcting this. If there is another root cause, no they won’t fix the root cause but they can provide a level of symptom control to a) assist in functionality and b) allow people to be in more of a space to try and address the root cause.

To say antidepressants do not deal with anything related to depression is so false.

I think my response is going to come across as quite callous, however, it’s genuinely not designed to be hurtful.

I highly doubt your SILs want to see you suffer. I doubt you, your husband or children are even on their mind that much.
Why should they take on your problems, on top of their own? Why is it their responsibility to provide your family with things that you and your DH are failing to do?
10 years of barely working and depression sounds terrible - but what has he tried to do to fix this? Has he tried medication? Has he seen a therapist? Has he changed his diet/sleep/exercise/hobby or is he just wallowing and letting the world pass him by? (And I say that as someone with diagnosed major depression that is well managed)

Your SILs work more, thus have more money and can give their children more. By mentioning their financial status it seems evident that you do want them to provide for you, despite saying you don’t want handouts.

You reached out to SILs, who are not experts in mental health or your husbands treating doctor, for advice… which they gave to you. What did you actually want them to do or say?

It seems like you’re having a really hard time but it also seems like you’re becoming resentful of the wrong people - you can resent your husband for not managing his health and not contributing to the family in a way that is needed. You can resent yourself for enabling your husband and staying in this situation. There is no one else responsible or to blame for how your life has turned out.

They suggested he take prescription drugs, we apply for a council house and that I should look for things we need on freecycle. Having been in this situation for a while I didn't need advice on being resourceful, and it's not so simple to land free housing

That all sounds sensible. What did you want them to say?

If your DH is not on prescription medicine to assist his depression, why not? It would not be acceptable to not be able to consistently work for 10 years due to depression but not have tried to do anything to enable you to, and properly support your family. Why have you accepted this?

Why is getting on a council housing list a bad idea?

Struggling to see what you want your relatives to say/do when your DH seems to be doing nothing to change the situation and you seem accepting of it. They are likely flummoxed by this situation.

Why? What good do they do? They do not deal with the root cause of the depression. They do not deal with anything related to the depression at all.

You say you're from a foreign background... does it happen to be a culture where there is an expectation for family to help each other out financially? I ask because this is very much the case in my culture, and it took me some time to realise that British families have much stronger boundaries around giving/lending each other money. For example, when I first arrived I was shocked to find out that my English friend's parents were making her pay rent, but I now understand that this is perfectly normal here.

Obviously families do help each other out in the UK as well, but money is not automatically considered part of a "communal" pot in the same way it is back home.

If this applies to you, maybe understanding and accepting this difference will help you move on?

FWIW, if they refuse to just talk to him, I understand why you'd be upset. But from your post, I have the feeling there was the expectation of monetary support?

I think you are in danger of becoming a victim of a situation that you have helped to create. In the sense that you are essentially enabling your husband to continue to exist in this situation. You seem to be making all the effort and taking on all the responsibility to keep things going, but you are also paying a price and it's obviously taking it's toll. And are your children really benefitting from your sacrifice? Is your husband really benefitting? Who does keeping this situation going actually benefit in your family? At what cost and is it worth it?

Your husband is ill. It's really hard to help someone who is not ready to help themselves. Some kind of intervention is probably well overdue to try encourage your husband to seek and accept some help. That kind of thing might be something your SIL's could help support you with, but it's not your SIL's place to take the action for you.

They could support any actions you decide to implement in order to get your husband to accept some help, but let's be clear, you would need to be asking for their support for a very specific action to achieve a very defined outcome. You also in reality do need professional support to help stage any kind of successful intervention and that does come at a price - but if you talk to SIL's they might support paying for something like this? And that really would be them investing in your family and children's future. But it's still their choice and they may have many reasons for not wanting to be involved.

I think it's unfair to suggest they want to see you suffer, but I can sympathise with your frustration. But they see you sacrificing your children's happiness to allow your husband to keep living the way he does. Why should they be the ones worried your children might be missing out?

It's a tough reality to face, but in allowing your husband to keep getting by, you are not doing him any favours, and you are sacrificing your own health/happiness and potentially your children's too.

It's time to change the outlook at least for yourself and your children, and if with support your husband chooses to be part of that change then that's great, but if not you need to accept you have done all you can and make the best decisions for you and your children.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

Im struggling to see what you want from your SILs here, if it’s not (as you say) a handout.

How are you expecting them to spend Christmas with you if you can’t afford to contribute anything? Are you expecting them to pay for it all?

And what does a “desire” that your children don’t “go without” look like realistically if it’s not, again, them buying stuff for your children?

Why shouldn’t they be allowed to talk about topics like home renovations if that’s what’s on their mind? Or do you just expect them to dole out sympathy about your finances the whole time?

Im sorry but it sounds like they’re fed up with your negativity and exepectations.

The relationships between siblings are sometimes wonderful, and they are often frayed too, with an expectation of "family values" put on upon them, despite some difficult relationships. Parents will often still answer the call, and will help and plead for everyone to be kind, charitable and so on, But In reality, how can you expect sisters that have their own lives to lead, families to support, and have forged their own path in life to support a sibling who has (in their eyes) done nothing to help themselves. When you have a child, you have to be able to support that child through life, even if it is sometimes a difficult and at times, feels like an unfair jig. What aunties should not be "expected to do" is support someone else's child beyond the normal "auntie" stuff. They have offered advice when you have reached out to them, and I bet too that they worry and care, but it is not on them if your child is missing out, it is on you and their dad. I am sorry for the race thing though, that's not great, and should not be a factor if it is one. Hoping for the best for you and that you can pull everything back together xx

What exactly do you want them to do? You say you wanted them to talk to him and it sounds like they did. They offered practical advice, but you said you already know all that. Then you mention your children going without so is it you want your SILs to help financially?

OP unfortunately I am also in a similar position to your SIL.

Whilst family often say they come to us for ‘advice’ or just to chat about their problems it really does feel like they are not actually looking for solutions but rather for us to provide resources. And it’s very hard for us to watch people we care about do nothing to help themselves.

This has bred resentment on both sides and created a massive divide in our family.

They are pretty wealthy. I don't want what they have or a handout, but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without ?

With respect OP, the children in question are yours and your husbands. It isn't on anyone else to provide for them.

I imagine your situation is draining and they have distanced themselves from it because they cannot help. I hardly think (as per your title) that they want to see you suffer, but they have their own families and dc to think about.

agreed. Your DH sounds like he has done very little take any sort of responsibility for how own life. That is not his sister's responsibility.

I agree very nicely said!

This . It's incredibly selfish this has gone on this long without him getting serious help. Your children are paying the price.

My mum had a brother who could just not help himself and his family. He then lost his son in a car accident. All of his siblings supported him emotionally and his parents supported him financially during this time. He still chose not seek professional help even after a year later when his young teenage daughter ran away from home and became pregnant to a person out on day release from prison.

About 10 years later he summond the family and told them they were responsible for the problems that his daughter encountered becaasue they didn't support her and they needed to step up now. This is despite the fact in over that time both of his other brothers had traumatic marriage breakdowns, and my family had a severly disabled child to look after. He was so wrapped up in his own awful situation that he couldn't see that everyone else had severely struggled over that time period too. And no he offered no support to any of his siblings when they had problems and none of them speak to him now.

My point is that its really hard to help people who chose not to help themselves. I have had depression and it gives you this air of narcissm that you are the only person who sees the world for all it is. You think you know better than everyone, but actually you thoughts are just incredibly dysfucntional and when it starts effecting other people you need to face them and get some help.

I have depression amongst other issues.

If he hasn't seen a GP and tried prescription medication it's an obvious first step.

It helped me massively.

"been over consumed with having kids amongst other things"

Ok. So if I was your SIL I'd be asking why you both as a couple have not prioritised his mental health and financial security before having (presumably) multiple children.

What is it that you are expecting from her?

Why are you posting about her rather than his inability to seek help to improve his mental health? All the suggestions made sound utterly reasonable.

They are likely keeping you at arms length because they know they cannot fix your husband's problems if after 10 years he won't try for himself or his family.

It's not about jolly conversations. It's about not getting sucked both emotionally and financially into a situation beyond your control that has the power to bugger up the lives of two families and not just one.

Maybe you'd be better off thinking about if staying with a man who won't help himself is the right approach for you and your children?

My brother's had mental health struggles since he was in high school on and off over 2 decades. I dont engage anymore, he wouldn't see a doctor, he wouldn't help himself, he wouldn't go on medication, he self treated with alcohol and illegal drugs. I did a lot for many years, I don't engage anymore because you can't save other people and all I achieved was to harm myself. He actually finally said he was depressed after over 2 decades and is doing something about it off his own bat. I have my own mental health issues, but I got treatment because my kids needed me. People get burnt out on the mental health issues of loved ones. I can see if he hasn't tried several medications why people feel that should be what he's doing and why that's their advice. You can't help someone who doesn't want help.

Eta: Your title is an unusual take on the situation. I might interpret it as them not really caring, or them being burnt out or not understanding, but I don't see why your interpretation is they want to see you suffer?

If your DH is depressed then he needs to see his GP. It's not something his family can solve for him. Ultimately giving you money is not going to solve the problem as you need your own income as a family.

I'm sure they care about your children but presumably they have their own children and yours are well looked after by you, so what do you want them to do?

Advice can be annoying but the suggestion that your DH seeks help for his depression is fair and a GP will do far more good in this situation than any expressions of concern from family.

A thoughtful, well-considered post. Thank you. 😊

OP, I've been in your position. I've been married to the man that people distance themselves from because his mental health is poor, and he makes poor decisions (I once thought he was just the unluckiest man I'd ever met)
But we'll adjusted people don't get closer to the car crash to put themselves in the position where they need to help, or feel bad about seeing the situation up close.

It leaves a really sour taste to be up close, and see that children are going without, because Dad hasn't done all he could. It's hard to see a woman lose her sparkle, because it's being dulled by life.

But the only real way they can help? Is help, then when the next situation comes up, help again, and again, and again and again.

Then yes, they've helped, but resentment creeps in, and relationships are damaged, both sides in fact.

They want to keep your family, and the problems of your family firmly away so it doesn't seep into their lives, and that isn't really wrong.

Your DH does need professional help, counselling and finding the right medication is a great start.
Taking some financial responsibility is the next step.

I have a myriad of both mental and physical conditions, I find it hard to work full time long term. So what I do, and have always done, is worked whilst I could and saved. Luckily I am able to earn a lot, so I work freelance, and that means there's always money for stuff that's needed whilst I gain the strength to go back and work some more... maybe this needs to be the way your DH at least starts to take some financial responsibility.

I really don’t want to be harsh but I am the SIL in a similar scenario so I could tell you how things might look from her point of view.
You say that your husband has not worked much because he has been depressed for 10 years…During all this time he didn’t want to try medication in order to improve his health and financial situation for the benefit of his children??

You say that you don’t want anything from your SIL ‘’but can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without?’’ But why should they? Your children are not their children and your SIL is (I assume) not responsible for her brother’s depression or his ‘bad luck’ with keeping or finding work.
I, too, keep my brothers’ families at arms length. This is, amongst other things, because it hurts me immensely to see how they didn’t take advantage of work opportunities and their children are suffering as a result of the lack of money and their parents’ chosen lifestyle, it hurts me to see how they chose to have several children without asking themselves if they could afford them, and it’s pretty upsetting to hear their sarcastic arguments about how I don’t understand how hard life is for them and oh, how I’ve forgotten where I come from.
I am not saying that this is similar to your situation and do forgive me if my message upsets you, but perhaps your SIL isn’t that evil, perhaps she just feels powerless to help you and show you that there is a way to get out of your current situation.

If your dh is so depressed that he can't work then he needs to be on medication. I have major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and I've been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds since 2008. They're not the end of the world, and can be an absolute miracle. They have been for me. I sought help for my issues because even in the depths of my despondency I knew that I owed it to my dh and dc to try to get well. Your dh owes the same to you and your children, and if he isn't willing to get help, then you have a dh problem, not a sil one.

It sounds to me like your sils are offering practical, concrete suggestions for ways to help him and make your lives easier. And although you say you don't want a handout "can't they express some desire or worry that my children shouldn't go without" certainly sounds like a handout is exactly what you're looking for.

It is not you dh's sisters' responsibility to take care of your children--it is your dh's and yours.

How many children do you have?

What do you think is causing his depression?

Unresolved childhood trauma, addiction or undiagnosed ND etc?

How was/is your DH's relationship with his sisters growing up and now?